Selfish or not? Didn't help his ex out

Of course you weren’t being unreasonable. If it was important to him then one of his parents should have inconvenienced themselves to make it work, but neither of them did. Therefore it becomes much easier for them not to think of themselves as selfish and put the blame on step mom. There’s so many of these sort of posts …

Poor child.
Mum is unreasonable because she should have made him the priority over work - if she was expecting to be able to take him- she should have said she wasn't able to stay late as she had family commitments.

If I was you, I'd definitely have taken him. 3 nights a week of "me time" is a whole lot, I don't personally know of any parents who get that amount of me time and I'd absolutely have given up going to the gym for a child's event. Not to benefit the mother, but for the child because the alternative was that he was the one who missed out.

The child's parents owe him care and responsibility. And they failed him.

OPs entitlement to go to her class does take precedence over her DH and his exW's last minute demands. They should have planned to be there for their son. Where was their duty to nurture their own child?

FWIW, my DSCs are not my children. And their mum would go ballistic if I dared claim them as my own children!

Why does any parent or step-parent need to put the child first at all times? The boy missed out. Big deal. It’s football. He’s 9. There will be other occasions. The time and people to have put him first was when his parents were going through problems.

Why is the step dad more responsible than the step mum!

Stuck at work? I thought you were going to say she's a brain surgeon or something.

Step mother isn't a legal relationship. It doesn't confer rights or responsibilities.

Maybe it’s something she should also consider too. Depending on how she wants her relationship with her step-son to pan out.

This is only the “real point” because the OP doesn’t regard the child as equal to her own. If she did then the/ another parent being unexpectedly stuck at work requiring the sacrifice of a single gym session to take a child to a sports event would just be part of normal family life. But we’re never going to convince each other because our starting assumptions about stepchildren are poles apart. Night.

No, that’s not how that works. Being married to the child’s father means she has a legal relationship with the father, it doesn’t endow her with any parental responsibility for the child. That remains entirely with the parents.

The real point is that the two parents are too selfish to communicate with each other effectively, to both know what is going on in their child’s life and prioritise it.

Neither the op nor the step dad having alternative plans are the root issue here.

Is she really in a legal relationship with the child? (I'm asking - I genuinely don't know.) I thought that it was only a legal relationship if she adopted the child: or do you mean because of custody arrangements?

I was my husband's second wife, but his children were adults when he and his first wife broke up, so have never had to deal with this aspect.

If she is married to the boy's father then she is in a legal relationship with the child. The child suffered because the three adults in his life couldn't/wouldn't sort their schedules out when it was an important event for him. They are all selfish.

This clinches it for me. YNBU.

My late husband's ex would phone him for help if she was stuck with something, in spite of the fact that she had a partner (her Affair Partner). That only stopped when my husband had his stroke.

At one point, the ex was supposedly on her own, after her AP and then her next partner died. I felt sorry for her - the adult kids lived miles away and - even though one of them had been able to retire early - there was no offer of help when she needed someone to volunteer to take her to hospital for a procedure.

Like a fool, I volunteered. I also told the kids not to worry - I'd not see their mother stuck if she needed help.

There was supposedly gratitude, but we found that DH and I were missed out of important family events. (Partly, I think that it was because they'd have to allow for my DH's disabilities.)

I finally cracked about a month after DH's funeral. They're no longer in contact with me. My one regret is that I didn't blow up sooner.

I feel a bit sorry for the DS, OP, but if you'd given in this time, they'd just expect you to keep putting yourself last.

FFS, it’s the specific point of this thread. He was and still is a dad to me in every possible way other than DNA.

If she keeps springing things then they need a shared calendar.

“giving lifts” is not the broader heavy lifting I was referring to.

I feel really sorry for your SS that not a single adult in his life could prioritise him. His pare ts though should have sorted it out between themselves. Tbh I would have dropped PT for it but his parents are more at fault.

I’ll be honest, I’d be wondering if Dh would bother for our own kids, if he said no to that it would make me see him quite dimly.

Not at all. When we were young, my mum didn’t drive. He ferried us all around when needed and the idea that he would have allowed me to miss something so that he could go to the gym, but would have rearranged his plans for my siblings, is so laughable it doesn’t even bear discussion.

P.S. "She then asked him to ask me". I find this cheeky. It's one thing if it's a planned "wondering if you might be able to help out on the 15th February because we both have a thing on". But this "can you please drop everything because neither parent is willing to drop anything?" It would be a firm nope from me. Plan better, parents. You didn't find out about the presentation same day.

Me time 3 nights a week with a full time job, toddler and step son? Something has to give and for me it would be the gym - you can surely miss it occasionally when family life requires?!

This is my feeling. Someone should have stepped up and taken him

Perhaps that something the parents should consider, being the ones actually responsible and all.

What your stepdad chose to do doesn’t dictate what others stepparents must do.

No. She didn’t have to, of course. Just depends on what sort of relationship she wants to have with the step-son moving forward.