Fed up of women having to do it all

Yes exactly!
I was just going to post that, as a single parent, I really do have to do it all, including earning all the money.
Not that this makes it any better for women in marriages where husbands do sweet FA, but that problem is better resolved by the husband stepping up, not him swanning off to live his best life whilst you really do do everything.

This is a DH problem, not a women doing everything problem. My DH is wonderful - has a very physical job, still comes home and does almost all of the cooking (I probably cook about 3x a fortnight), does masses of cleaning, takes the bins out, does all DIY. I do the washing, the ironing, the vacuuming (and anything involving the computer because he’s a Luddite). Works well for us

Not stupid, just surrounded by gender expectations and pressure.

There are so many threads on here written by younger women who think that they are equal partners, but still seem to do more of the housework.

It can be tricky to see that a man isn't pulling his weight when there's fuck all housework and everyone is getting enough sleep.

In the 1970s, most children made their way to school and took care of their after-school activities, such as playing with friends and participating in clubs wasn't a thing.
From my experience, parents working and the mother's income contributing to the household finances was common, but it wasn't considered a career.
It's important to be cautious of those who recommend the single-parent life as they do have to manage everything on their own.

Women only do it all if they allow it. Get yourself a partner and to the trash with this one if he doesn’t step up. He is a man child, no woman needs one of those.

You both work so it should absolutely be 50/50.
Like you alternate days where someone cooks and household chores are split like he does the washing You do the cleaning.
How long has he got away with it do for? Think this should have been nipped in the bud a long time ago.

Someone on another thread it's hard when you realise you have become their housekeeper and their mother. That sort of sums it up really.

Short answer: yes. Is that so hard to believe, or do you prefer to assume that the women who find themselves in these situations are just stupid? It’s easy to be an equal partner when there’s fuck all housework and everyone’s getting enough sleep.

ETA: meant to quote @Baddaybigcloud !

Amen. I am so tired of posters gleefully deriding other women because their husbands have gradually, boiling-frog-style, transformed from devoted equal partners (pre-kids) to into lazy entitled selfish turds (post-kids) - and they don’t have the financial means to just LTB at the drop of a hat.

You married an amazing bloke who does everything with a smile? Go off and enjoy him then, and stop shitting all over women who are already having a hard enough time.

Did these men really look that great before kids were in the mix though? Really?

I just don't believe that the country is teeming with men who were kind, loving, respectful egalitarians pre children who then just stopped the minute a baby was born.

And if you are completely blind sided by his behaviour because he is one of the ones who was genuinely ok before children, then stop at one. Don't keep having babies and trapping yourself further.

Well said!

Raise the bar, women!

That's the thing. So many women are willing to settle.

Men don't change THAT much. But women get so desperate that they accept anything and then complain about the predictable outcomes.

Better to stay single and childfree forever than resign oneself to these useless "men." Have some standards or suffer the inevitable consequences.

Your husband sounds great btw!

So when he gets home, he starts with whatever is left to do. Or, you stop trying to do too much and leave things for him to take care of after work as well. You both work together until everything that needs to be done that evening is done.
You both work hard. His work doesn't trump yours because he has a commute. Is his drive home harder than doing the school run, dinner, homework etc all by yourself?
You have to keep going straight after work. He can too.

Write it down in a spreadsheet. Everything. Then take it to him and say which things are you going to take responsibility for?

Not 'help with'. Do not say 'help with'

Me too. "Having it all" doesn't have to mean doing it all.

Based on the threads here, a very large proportion (NOT ALL) of men do show who they are before kids come along. A lot of women just do the work because it's doable before kids.

I also think that it's useful to show that there are men who do pick up the slack, especially for women who don't have kids yet but might want them.

These posts always piss me off. It's great for those of us who's men are joy this way but for many of us these men don't show they are this way until AFTER you have a child. Then what do you do? Split up and still do it all hit get the social judgment of being a single mum or put up with it? And half the time the splitting up option means you knowing have to send your child to a lazy parent when you know if you stay together at least you can do it all and they do t suffer from his laziness.

It's fine to say have that frank conversation of what you expect. From the very start insist they do half etc. But what if they don't? Do you tell your kids they can't do the club because daddy won't pull his weight? Do you forgoe holidays and luxuries because you can't face working full time and all parenting so you quit your job?

Yes there are great men out there but there are many many who are not and who looked great until kids were in the mix. That's not the woman's fault. Sometimes we need to vent, get ideas from others who understand how we can improve the situation before we throw the towel in and leave thus sentence our kids to a life of financial hardship and still having to do it all ourselves anyway. Telling women in this situation that she made a bad choice and how amazing your partner is does not help anyone it just kicks her while she is down.

Op my advice is stop doing his washing and food. Batch cook on the weekend so you can just heat up the evening meals. Make mum friends to share club drop offs with. Have a serious think about if you can or want to do this alone- will he have kids 50/50 thus you get all the help you wanted and time off to boot. Or will he continue to do nothing so now you are in the same situation just poorer. Or will you be poorer if he's paying you maintenance and covering half the childcare? Once you know what you are prepared to do then give the ultimatum if you plan to follow that through. If you don't plan to follow it through then find other ways to change things. Treat him like a puppy and train him- reward the behaviours you want etc. Tell him a clean house is part of foreplay and so sexy, maybe some help with it all would give you the energy and enthusiasm for sexy time. Or whatever works for you.

Just remember this is him at fault not you for choosing him. How were you to know what he would be like as a father pre kids if he acted and told you different to how he actually is

That’s really terrific that you have that capability and resilience but I think you are in a minority.

I certainly did not ever manage to achieve all you have without feeling that at least one or two big ticket items on that list was slipping.

For most people, I think it’s more realistic to say that and your other half can have it all, but not necessarily at the same time.

Me too!

I have everything I want. ‘All’ means different things to different people. I believe I have it all. Loving husband, children, job I have worked hard for, respect at work and at home, great balance of work/home/social life. I’m not stressed, I enjoy the time I have with the people I love.

I hate to say it but women don't have to do it all - if that's the way you feel then you probably will end up doing it all.

I have an amazing partner who does a very manual job but still insists on sharing the load despite me offering to do more as I'm really conscious that his job is more tiring than mine.

Tonight he's come in from a twelve hour shift and told me to sit down while he cooks tea as he could see I was tired. I offered to cook as I knew he must be exhausted himself but he sent me to watch tv with a Pepsi max and a biscuit.

I know I'm lucky but I also know I wouldn't stand for anything other than a partnership.

You can do better op.

Some men definitely do want a servant, not a wife.

Im just divorcing one of these. Id rather be on my own with kids and do everything vs him not pulling his weight

I don't blame women for lazy men.

If I go somewhere with a female friend she thinks for herself and does stuff without being asked.

Women don't need to do it all, they take the load on. How many women have sat down with the man in their life before getting married or moving in together and had a frank conversation, pointing out that they are not his mummy or his housekeeper, how many have pointed out they will only live in a 50/50 household How many talk about how money and chores will work during (and only during maternity leave) How many have said you will not shop for his family's cards and presents and that you will only carry half the mental load ? Very few will have had that conversation and if you haven't you only have yourself to blame.