Found out I was left out of secret family inheritance

It sounds as though you were the scapegoat and your DB was the golden child when you were growing up and that dynamic has continued into adulthood.

You have shared with your DM and paid for her to visit you in the UK, but this hasn't been reciprocated by her. I would take a step back and concentrate on your family. Your in-laws sound much nicer than your mum so concentrate on those relationships.

They probably didn’t want you to feel hurt that she didn’t want you to have anything, so they didn’t tell you.

Damned if they do; damned if they don’t.

Your aunty can leave her money to whoever she likes and beneficiaries can do what they like with it. It's upsetting to feel excluded and I understand why you are upset. Perhaps they thought you would be upset so they kept quiet so they didn't have to get into it with you. Admittedly that's being charitable.

We are not rich but we don't need their money, it's not about the money as I keep saying. I would have shared with my sibling and DM in the same situation.

Do you mean you would have shared the INFORMATION or you would have shared the MONEY ?

So if they had told you you would have expected them to share as that's what you would have done.

And when it became obvious that they weren't going to share?

What then?

Are you sure your aunt left 10k to your DM and DB. and not you and DB. It seems very odd to exclude you.

This is needlessly spiteful. OP is upset about being excluded, clearly not for the first time, by her family. Very often when families fall out over inheritance, it's not about avarice but about the family relationships and people feeling slighted, forgotten or unloved. The will becomes a battleground for all those deep-seated feelings and dynamics.

But if you were the sort of person who was capable of understanding that, you wouldn't have felt the need to twist the knife by calling OP "grabby".

I would have shared with my sibling and DM in the same situation.
I have shared with my DM, paid for her to visit me and my family in the UK.

The latter is not even remotely similar. She came to visit you and wouldn't have had to pay to come to the UK if you hadn't moved here. Presumably you paid at least partly because you wanted her to come. You can't say what you'd do in the same situation, but it's always people's inclinations to think they'd be selfless, kind and generous when they don't have to actually be the one to do it.

I'm also sceptical about the "secret". Just because someone doesn't tell you something that's happened in their life that doesn't mean their keeping it secret. Things happen in my life all the time that I don't happen to tell my DB, and we live in the same city.

If they went on a big holiday/repaired their roof/bought a car and were very cagey about the source of funds then that edges into "keeping secrets" territories.

I don’t think there has been any deceit, lies or secrecy. The op was not a beneficiary of the estate therefore had no right to know the details of it. People are entitled to privacy in their financial affairs, there was no obligation on her mother or brother to inform her and judging by her reaction, I can see why they didn’t.

Also, she says in her op that one of the reasons why she ‘feels sick’ is that they didn't share the money, and goes on to mention a little bonus for her dc, indicating that actually, it is about the money.

How would you really expect the conversation to go?
"DD/DS we were left an inheritance from DS/aunty. You werent though so you get nothing and we get 10k each. Have a nice day". Given that you have gine low contact over this i xab completely understand why they wouldn't tell you. Ive also noticed you are refusing to answer how much of an effort you actually made with your aunty which makes me think you made no effort

And that would be fine its not a secret but also he doesn't have a god given right to know just because we are related which is the point I am trying to make to OP. Just encase someone is relayed to you does not mean they have to share all their financial information.

Im not sure deliberate secrecy is the right phrase there?

Someones financial affairs are their own arent they? Would someone 'declare' they had been left an inheritence? Is there a need. Particularly if they felt that OP would feel like she is feeling, particularly around the 'not even a little bonus for my children'. Perhaps they didnt want any comments or guilt trips or pressure

@Teaortea but you could also interpret this as your mum protecting your feelings? If the aunt left money to your DB and not you, why upset you with it?

Also, is your home country much poorer than the UK? I'm from a much poorer EU country and I have refused an inheritance so far because the people at home need it more. Even in a bog standard job in the UK, I will earn 4-5x money they can. 6- 7k in England (which is what 20k divided by 3 is) is not exactly life changing.

As long as you paid the money back to the estate before it's distributed then there would be no need for your brother to know. But obviously if he was an executor he'd need to know in order to collect all the estate's assets together: it's a key part of the executor's job.

TBH even if you or an independent solicitor were acting as executors any residuary beneficiary would have a right to see the accounts if they asked, which would include your repayment.

OP asked AIBU so I am trying to understand why she takes this so personally. She's Been low contact after she found out... how much contact did she have before?

it's not a life changing amount of money. If it had been £100 would she expect to be told? £1? £10? £1000? What is the threshold where one should get the info about their inheritance? If the amount matters wrt why OP expects them to tell her and it's a slight not to be told, why does the amount matter? If amount doesn't matter, then why is it disrespectful to OP not to be told?

Well, I think it might be. If the will stipulates 50-50 to each child and you've already had some of it, then that's not fair, is it?

If she was a beneficiary the solicitor would have contacter her surely?

Nope still not his business.