Page 5 | Found out I was left out of secret family inheritance

Teaortea · 2024-10-17T16:50:37+00:00

I am married with two children. I live in the UK but grew up in a different country where my DM and DB still live. A few years ago my aunt in my home country (DMs brother's wife) passed away. They had no children. I found out 6 months ago that at the time my DM and DB (single, no kids) inherited £10,000 each and agreed between them not to tell me. One one knows why my aunt left me out, possibly dementia? Or not being in the same country? I felt sick when I found out, both at the fact that they'd conspired together to not tell me and that they didn't share any of the money, especially my DM didn't even send my DCs a little bonus or anything. I'm not saying I am entitled to any of the money but I am feeling left out of the family and protective of my kids who seem to mean nothing to rhem. There is a history of my DM treating me badly bordeinf on neglect and abuse when I was younger, favouring my DB but this seems so unbelievable, even for them! My DH says it's unforgivable the way they've left me out, lied by omission and not even wanted to gift the kids. Aibu to still feel upset and that they were the unreasonable ones? I have been LC since finding out.

Attelina · 17/10/2024 22:26

I'm embarrassed for you.

What an awful way to think.

They inherited money and it's their business who they tell or not tell.

Seeing as how grasping and entitled you are it's no wonder they didn't tell you/

Why should they give anything to your children?

What a nasty post.

user1473878824 · 17/10/2024 22:25

Why can no one read I'm not saying I am entitled to any of the money before lecturing OP

bluegreygreen · 17/10/2024 22:23

So

Your uncle's wife died and left some money to her sister-in-law (your mother) and nephew (your brother) in her will. Your mother and brother lived relatively close by and remained in friendly touch with her over the years (though not physically caring for her when ill). You visited her as part of the family when in that country but were last in touch with her by letter several years ago before your first child was born.

Your mother and brother have been left some money and you are upset that you were not left any money, annoyed that you were not told about the money, and also annoyed that the money was not shared with you or your children.

I can see why your aunt left her money as she did, to the relatives in her own country with whom she has been in contact. I can also see, given previous communication issues in the family, why you might not have been told (not the easiest conversation to have even in an open family).

I can also see why the money might not have been shared. Even without the previous history, many people feel that changing any allocation of money left in a will is disrespectful to the person who has made their wishes clear. I'm sorry that the previous history makes things hurtful for you.

ComtesseDeSpair · 17/10/2024 22:05

Teaortea · 17/10/2024 20:57

I wasn't proposing a three way split but throwing my kids a couple of hundred pounds each might have gone a long way.

Despite what people think I'm not grabby,vi don't want their money, I'm sad for my kids that their GM didn't show them any thought when she had the chance.

As I've said I've paid for her to travel to the UK to see the kids, paid to travel to visit her, paid for all meals and trips etc

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Your children are adults - yet you’ve said your DM was complaining she hasn’t seen them in a long time, so it doesn’t sound as though they call, visit, generally put much effort into a relationship with their grandmother or uncle. They can’t have it both ways, expecting gifts from people they don’t see.

Do you think part of why you’re upset because not being told about the inheritance has highlighted that you’re just not a close family at all, any of you, and that hurts?

Bigcat25 · 17/10/2024 21:54

Lyannaa · 17/10/2024 18:06

Would you treat your sister the way the OP was treated?

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No point blaming the brother, they were following the wishes of the will. It's not enough money to fight over.

2021x · 17/10/2024 21:52

Yikes… it’s definitely reasonable to be upset, but I guess now you know you and your family see money differently.

So no more lending to them ever.

GivingitToGod · 17/10/2024 21:49

Wherehasallthetimegone · 17/10/2024 18:04

I totally sympathise OP.

Yiur aunt was perfectly entitled to leave her money to whom she wished and even if it does seem hurtful to leave you out there are possible valid explanations.

But it's the deliberate secrecy of your DM and DB I would find difficult to get past. I had this in my own family: I was deliberately left out of things that the rest of the family knew about. I was made to feel like an outsider. So I totally get why you feel so upset by this.

This, entirely
Take care OP

2Sensitive · 17/10/2024 21:45

I understand OP, is the fact they agreed not to tell you. . . Simply so they didn't feel guilty about not giving you any. Not that they had to but they knew morally it would have been a nice thing to do and is more than likely what you or I would have done, whether we had to or not.

It's a dick move

PorridgeEater · 17/10/2024 21:38

Pudmyboy · 17/10/2024 21:31

OP you say it's not about the money, it's about not being told about it, yet then you go on to talk at some length about how you would share, and others have shared in the past, so, with respect, I do feel that part of you does mind that it was not shared.

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Agree.

PorridgeEater · 17/10/2024 21:38

ahemfem · 17/10/2024 21:24

Is this eldest DB and she didn't change will when you were born perhaps?
Or as he is single and has no kids maybe she thought he'd need it more as no one will look after him if he needs it

This may be a helpful way to look at it.

Pudmyboy · 17/10/2024 21:31

Teaortea · 17/10/2024 20:28

Its a fair point but I can assure you it isn't about the money..I wish I could edit my op to make that more clear.
I feel betrayed by the deliberate secrecy of my DM and DB who have intentionally and cynically kept their good fortune a secret.

We are not rich but we don't need their money, it's not about the money as I keep saying.

I would have shared with my sibling and DM in the same situation.

I have shared with my DM, paid for her to visit me and my family in the UK.

I have always shared my belongings home, money, time and kindness.

My MIL shared a small windfall with all her childrem, in-laws and grandchildren.

Families share and show openness and generosity.

This isn't about my aunt's decision, it was a shock initially because she had always shown us all affection equally, and to my knowledge my DM and DB were not involved in her care.

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OP you say it's not about the money, it's about not being told about it, yet then you go on to talk at some length about how you would share, and others have shared in the past, so, with respect, I do feel that part of you does mind that it was not shared.

ahemfem · 17/10/2024 21:24

Is this eldest DB and she didn't change will when you were born perhaps?
Or as he is single and has no kids maybe she thought he'd need it more as no one will look after him if he needs it

Gymcardgatheringdust · 17/10/2024 21:21

Stay (very) low contact from both your mum and brother, it isn't your brother's fault he is your mum's favourite and he couldn't change it as a child but him and your mum not even telling you or treating you a little bit when they got £20,000 between them? In time you will be able let go of the hope of feeling equally loved by your mum

Original poster

Teaortea · 17/10/2024 21:14

Thank you everyone for your replies.

I didn't realise I needed to add in so much history and context but I can see in hindsight that would have been helpful.

OP posts:

ForGreyKoala · 17/10/2024 21:14

savethatkitty · 17/10/2024 18:07

I don't think it's the money itself OP is hurt by, I think its the lies/deception from her own family to deliberately keep her in the dark about it. I'd be upset too.

Given her reaction I can see why they didn't tell her.

Original poster

Teaortea · 17/10/2024 21:14

Genevieva · 17/10/2024 21:01

If I was in your mother’s shoes then I would have given you the share left to me. But then, that’s what I do anyway - I get more joy out of giving to my children than spending on myself. Unfortunately, you can’t change your mother’s attitude towards you. But you can control how you manage it. It sounds like the geographical distance is valuable in this regard. Cherish your children and the relationship you have with them and forget about the inheritance.

Thank you. Yes that's how I think so I guess that's why it felt like a kick in the stomach.

OP posts:

Original poster

Teaortea · 17/10/2024 21:10

wp65 · 17/10/2024 19:23

I think there are some strange responses on this thread.

I would never do to my child or my sibling what the OP's family has done to her. Any money I inherited from a family member would be shared with them. (And I do not say this as a particularly 'good person' - I'm not especially generous, I just come from a normal family where we are kind to each other and share stuff!)

OP, your family sounds toxic. I'm going to hazard a guess this isn't the first time any dysfunction has become apparent?

Yes this, thank you.
Definitely not the first time.

The actual first time I became aware I was being left out of my DM and DBs secrets was when I was about 9, and overheard my DM telling my DB she will take him to the cinema but don't tell Teaortea.

But my DM favoured my DB from when he was born.
When he was a toddler he took a liking to my first baby doll and DM let him have it. He ruined it, matted her hair and dragged it around. Who takes a doll off one child to give to the other? I was 3, a quiet shy child, no trouble at all. My grandparents often took me to theirs and looked after me because they know what their own daughter was like looking after me.

OP posts:

saltinesandcoffeecups · 17/10/2024 21:08

DinosaurMunch · 17/10/2024 21:03

When people leave unfair inheritances like this, do they realise that they are driving a wedge between their surviving family members?
I just don't understand why someone would do this as the current situation presumably isn't good for any of them. A mother no longer in contact with her daughter over 10k seems a real shame

Because people own their own reactions to situations like this. Some people (myself included) would recognize the situation for what it is. Brother and mum were closer both in proximity and contact with Aunt. It makes sense that she didn’t leave anything to the OP… even the OP gets it and has said that’s not what she’s upset with.

I think the OP is really upset at her mum over other stuff but this situation is a tipping point.

waitingforthebus · 17/10/2024 21:07

They probably didn't tell you because they knew you'd act like this and say your children are entitled to some of it.

DinosaurMunch · 17/10/2024 21:03

When people leave unfair inheritances like this, do they realise that they are driving a wedge between their surviving family members?
I just don't understand why someone would do this as the current situation presumably isn't good for any of them. A mother no longer in contact with her daughter over 10k seems a real shame

Genevieva · 17/10/2024 21:01

If I was in your mother’s shoes then I would have given you the share left to me. But then, that’s what I do anyway - I get more joy out of giving to my children than spending on myself. Unfortunately, you can’t change your mother’s attitude towards you. But you can control how you manage it. It sounds like the geographical distance is valuable in this regard. Cherish your children and the relationship you have with them and forget about the inheritance.

Toomanyemails · 17/10/2024 20:59

I understand why you're sad if it's part of a pattern, hard for anyone here to say without context. Of course £10k is big as a lump sum, but it's not life-changing and I think there are valid reasons not to either tell you or share the cash, particularly if they used it for urgent or practical expenses or if they felt they were significantly closed to the aunt, justifying you not being included but they knew you'd be upset. It would be a bit weird for them to tell you of the inheritance and not share the cash?
Are the 3 of you open about your salaries and finances - would you expect them to tell you and buy gifts for your kids if they got a £10k pay rise or bonus? What about if they got a £10k scratch card win or inheritance from someone you didn't know?

Original poster

Teaortea · 17/10/2024 20:57

filka · 17/10/2024 20:53

£20,000 split 3 ways is about £6,500 - it isn't a life-changing amount of money even for a poor person, so it isn't a really "huge" secret. It's a bit disappointing that they didn't say, but it's no more an issue than forgetting to tell you they bought a new car (unlikely for £10,000...).

Out of the £10k each they received, how much would you think is "reasonable" them to gift to your kids? And what would they have done with it?

So...I call YABU

I wouldn't do any thing rash like going NC, you get another crack of the whip when DM dies, or DB dies childless.

I wasn't proposing a three way split but throwing my kids a couple of hundred pounds each might have gone a long way.

Despite what people think I'm not grabby,vi don't want their money, I'm sad for my kids that their GM didn't show them any thought when she had the chance.

As I've said I've paid for her to travel to the UK to see the kids, paid to travel to visit her, paid for all meals and trips etc

OP posts:

Original poster

Teaortea · 17/10/2024 20:54

thepariscrimefiles · 17/10/2024 20:48

It sounds as though you were the scapegoat and your DB was the golden child when you were growing up and that dynamic has continued into adulthood.

You have shared with your DM and paid for her to visit you in the UK, but this hasn't been reciprocated by her. I would take a step back and concentrate on your family. Your in-laws sound much nicer than your mum so concentrate on those relationships.

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Yes that's it exactly. Thank you for being understanding. First time posting in AIBU and feeling a bit misunderstood!

OP posts:

filka · 17/10/2024 20:53

£20,000 split 3 ways is about £6,500 - it isn't a life-changing amount of money even for a poor person, so it isn't a really "huge" secret. It's a bit disappointing that they didn't say, but it's no more an issue than forgetting to tell you they bought a new car (unlikely for £10,000...).

Out of the £10k each they received, how much would you think is "reasonable" them to gift to your kids? And what would they have done with it?

So...I call YABU

I wouldn't do any thing rash like going NC, you get another crack of the whip when DM dies, or DB dies childless.