Found out I was left out of secret family inheritance

I understand your feelings. My DH was left out of his aunt’s will while other cousins benefited because he was adopted and ‘not part of this family’. He was told he was supposed to inherit an ornament he always liked as a child from one aunt, which was not forthcoming from the will reading. So something changed along the way…

.. in their case they were advised to leave everything to a family trust, so the elderly aunts did that and a cousin ensured their home was emptied of furniture long before death (they went into care).

without getting into the nitty gritty of it, other people didn’t inherit what was rightfully theirs took it to court with the trust having to pay them out, however my point is that it all came down to a beneficiary of the trust organising the solicitors and aunts to filter their personal wealth for ultimately his benefit into the trust set up.

in your case I wouldn’t mind betting between your brother and mother they knew they would inherit less if you were included, so probably dropped incorrect advice to your aunt who probably felt you were ok and well taken care of where you are.

good on the neighbour for letting you know. She must have concerns for you.

My aunt took my brother out of the will along with one of my cousins. I debated for a long time whether I should tell him, asked my parents etc, and decided in the end not to tell him. I did give him a small share of my money , but as he lives abroad was able to position it that it was easier to do it that way.

it was a really difficult decision to make, but ultimately he was taken out for a reason and I needed the money.

Very typical when relatives live abroad. Happened to me, will happen to someone else, a colleague shared something about her life, etc

I 100% know I was in my Uncle's will..but his kids never passed it on. I should have challenged it but I'm not so much of a &%£%<#@ as they all are! Lol. Your family is worth much more than 10K. Have satisfaction in that.

Have you seen a copy of the will? Do you know who was the executer, if there is one?

There is a history of my DM treating me badly bordeinf on neglect and abuse when I was younger, favouring my DB
Is it possible your mum has bad mouthed you a lot to the Aunt? People who scapegoat a particular child and have a golden child often do this and can be very convincing about how saintly one child is and how terrible the other is. Parents like that often use wills to further scapegoat and she may have persuaded the Aunt to leave you out.

Could it be that your aunt thought you were doing very well in this country and didn't need the money as much as your DM and DB. Maybe they have told her how well you are doing? Whatever the reason you can't change what your aunt did, although it is probably hurtful.

I’m not a very trusting soul when it comes to wills as so many people behave so badly. Have you seen the will?

The secrecy is disgraceful.

I mean you still say it’s not about the money but then still go on to say about giving the adult grandchildren a couple £100 each…

OP, yanbu at all.
Think long and hard if you want her visiting you?
I wouldn't bother if I were you.

To be honest the history is somewhat irrelevant to this situation

If you had started a discussion about how your treatment as a child, seemingly being scapegoated and left out has left you feeling all your life, absolutely legitimate, not an issue, something you'll continue working at all your life

But peoples financial affairs are not your business, there is no 'secret', you are muddling up what your grievances are as a child, to adult matters and behaviour.

I dont tell my sister about my financial affairs and neither does she, its not of our concern. My parents may lend me and my sister money for this and that, individually, I dont need to know if they're doing that for her and she doesnt need to know if they're doing it for me. its their decision what they do.

Its not unusual in my view that aunt left the money this way, you also say you have no grievance with this

I think get some support for the life long impact of your childhood but dont muddle up peoples personal information and financial affairs as 'secrecy'

Your mums neighbour (over invested it seems) is fanning flames and whethe ryour mum had some money or not is irrelevant. Either you would have lent her the money or not, that is also your choice.

I may converse in depth with my kids about something that I ask them not to repeat to their siblings. The withheld information ranges from trivial ("I caught a shundo!", which is not trivial to the kid not being told but anyway....) to the major "I really wish your adult brother didn't ...."

It's normal in families not to tell each other everything.
"Lies" happen to protect relationships.
I can't call if this "deception" was undertaken to perpetuate an unhealthy relationship. But it's plausible that it was not.

If you've been paying for your DM's travel then I presume she has been skint, whether you should financially support her is just one of many aspects of a complicated situation. I hope you work through all this to get to a better place.

Do you think your DM could be secretly annoyed at you for moving away from her and "taking her DGCs away"? As I've seen this a few times.

Your's is the nasty post, not the OPs.

Honestly op
I think it would be helpful for you if your acknowledged to yourself that you are a bit jealous of their inheritance and put out that your mom didn't share it with you.
It helps you work through things in your head.
The reality is that an aunt you never saw and weren't close to left your brother and mother a relatively small some of money . They didn't tell you because a) they thought you'd.be upset or b you'd think they were bragging or c you would expect your mother to share with your children .

On its own this is not a valid reason to go nc with someone . Surely with hindsight you can see that.

Because it’s obvious that she feels otherwise…

Thinking that I should inherit anything from my Mum's Sister-in-law is just weird. Unless we were super close ( I havent seen mine in probably ten years- lovely woman but she lives at the other end of the country, it's Christmas and birthday card contact only now)

I do understand why you are upset over the secrecy. Presumably the SIL also had other extended family with whom money was also split and the line had to be drawn somewhere. It does seem a bit like Out Of Sight, Out Of Mind. Sorry OP.

My aunt has no children and my cousin and I are the main beneficiary on her will (unless she changes her mind!). This is because we are the only family members to have made an effort with her over many years. If she passes and leaves me an inheritance, I don't plan on telling my db. He won't like it but I don't feel the need to justify what someone legally chose to do with their own money. Maybe that's how your dm and db feel.

Its their money, not your children's. Just as your money is yours - not theirs. They didn't want to treat your children, that's their choice. My MIL inherited £50,000 when her sister died and we didn't see a penny, despite being where they all spent Christmas every year, a weekly part of her sisters life and helping MIL organise the funeral. We actually paid for MIL to come on holiday with us (as we do every year) that year and the year after and she did not "treat" us or the children. Its not our money. I did not care or once think she should give my children anything. Maybe your grabby reaction is why they didn't tell you.

So OP hasn't been in touch for 26 years? If so it's hardly surprising aunt didn't leave her anything.
She keeps saying it's not the money but the lack of openness that matters, but has not acknowledged that mother and brother may have felt it was kinder not to tell her. Clearly it would have been difficult to tell her without upsetting her.

Honestly, I think this is all bonkers. Families are all different. I can’t imagine ever expecting a handout for me/my children from something my mother or brother inherited. Why would I? Frankly, the OP seems quick to take offence when there’s no evidence that any was intended. Perhaps that’s because of ways she has been left out in the past, or perhaps she perceives that to be the case because she’s always had the same attitude. Without hearing from the rest of the family, none of us can judge.

They’ve likely read this I felt sick when I found out, both at the fact that they'd conspired together to not tell me and that they didn't share any of the money, especially my DM didn't even send my DCs a little bonus or anything from the first post which contradicts what the op later claimed, once she was told she had no entitlement to the money

Teaortea

A few years ago my aunt in my home country (DMs brother's wife) passed away. They had no children.
----------

I don't know if it matters to others, but it seems important to note (a few of the people that responded got it wrong), but this isn't Teaortea's mothers sister. This is her mothers brothers wife.

Just throwing that out there.

You visited her as part of the family when in that country but were last in touch with her by letter several years ago before your first child was born.

From another thread, OP’s oldest child is 26