Found out I was left out of secret family inheritance

@Teaortea I can totally understand you feeling hurt by their keeping secrets, though, to be fair, it isn't something most people would bring up in normal conversations.

I do feel that you should stop paying for everything for your Mom to visit. She had money that she could have saved for a trip to see you all, but it all got spent. That doesn't mean that you should have to foot her bills to visit, though.
I would just tell your Mom that you cannot finance her trips to you, nor pay for meals out etc. I wouldn't even tell her you know about "the secret" and go as LC as you need to go to be happy within your own little family unit.

Your point is moot based on ltd. posted info. I didn’t think it would cause problems because she didn’t know. Why is someone following the property register to check this & who told her. Husband’s mucky finger prints all over that. Control freak had to be made, in solicitors office, to cancel my bank ap on his phone as he monitored what I was spending after divorce. Money won’t go as fees as my son is my carer saved my life once & my health probs mean I will drop dead! She now says I don’t love her after a lifetime of skirting her priapic alcoholic father trying to make a happy childhood. Didn’t invite me to her wedding, wasn’t told when she nearly died, given an appointment time when I was allowed to see g-son after everyone else. I’ve still given her money but that seems to be her contact motivator. Can I lend her 284K sulked (entitled or what?)when I explained Xhusband has money. She’s not hurt or upset she’s stymied -tried to get me to sign new will & poa in her favour when I was in HDU on morphine. No contact, her choice but I won’t allow her to take up kicking me around where her father left off.

Why would they tell you? The aunt wanted to leave them money and not you no need to discuss it or tell you. It's not your business!

Of course it's your money, but like it or not it's hurtful when one child is given preferential treatment. Giving one child a house is extreme preferential treatment. It's up to you what you do with your money, but how she feels about that is up to her too. It was always going to cause drama and I'm sure you knew that. The rest of your money might all go on care fees anyway. That's often what happens when people make a big song and dance of who they are leaving their money to and cause upset about it when they are still alive. My grandparents quietly went to the solicitor and divided their will equally without a word. That's what i intend to do rather favouring one of my kids.

My daughter barely contacts me says I don’t love her since she found out I gave(IHT) one of my houses to her brother. How? X husband dripping poison into the well? I gave her 1K Xmas but she ‘had to lie for me’ as I don’t send cards. What did she lie about? She’s going the right way for me to change will further - it’s my hard earned. The person who suffers most is my grandson; haven’t seen since March -she has no idea what I have done with the rest of my estate.

Totally agree but I don't understand why people are being judgemental in this post .
its horrible because we don't know the whole story
we have just been told a snippet yet people conclude OP is being grabby etc .
sometimes sharing stories need a full understanding but how in a post that needs summaries .
anyway from my experience these sort of issues can be upsetting but I for one won't be surprised at humans anymore not even from parents to be honest .

💯

How do you know your aunt didn’t leave you anything? Is it possible that she did & your DM didn’t pass it on?

I think people are confusing something being kept a secret to just not being told something.

They didn’t tell you because they knew you would react like this. It is actually none of your business what your aunt left them. Stop being so entitled.

Yes it is a pattern of treating you badly and as somehow inferior, which started in your childhood and continues today. Your DM does not see you as family.
I think your best bet is to accept that is how it is, reasons unknown, stay LC and never expect anything but coldness from her. Manage your expectations. She will always be like that with you. You need to adjust your assumptions.
I'm very sorry.

Not once have you mentioned any grief or upset about your aunt’s death OP. For you it is all about money and about the unjustified feeling of betrayal you have concocted. You’ve not mentioned you mum’s grief at losing her sister not expressed any warm
emotion at all towards you aunt, just annoyance that she hasn’t left you money. I suggest this explains both why she left you nothing but also why your mum and brother didn’t share the news with you…. you didn’t care about her in life, why should she or they show you consideration when she has died?

Why would you buy gifts with the money? I would put it in savings or pay bills.

Maybe she thinks you're rich as you live in the uk?

It's hard to know. YABU to expect anything... if they told you at the time would that make it better? Maybe you are just a bit out of all their lives being abroad.

Hopefully your children will be remembered when your DPs die; maybe that was their idea.

I'm sorry about your childhood though - that's shitty.

Unless your family have form for scapegoating you and leaving you out in other situations I would think the most likely explanation for them trying to keep it quiet was because they thought you’d be hurt that your aunt didn’t leave you anything.

Your aunt leaving you out of her will isn’t their fault. It isn’t even your aunt’s “fault”, it was her decision. I left my home country and I think it often means you are less close to family you’ve left behind. Especially ones who aren’t part of your immediate family. Being less likely to be provided for in a will on an equal footing with those who are physically closer and likely more in touch seems like a natural part of that.

This is all based on assumption given what’s happened. It may not apply. You may have stayed closely in touch with your aunt. Your DM and DB may have kept quiet because they don’t like you and wanted to have a secret to laugh about. There isn’t much detail about your relationships in your posts. But in general, having moved away from your family and made your home in another country I think the above is a more likely scenario.

Another possibility - Your expectation that they would give you or your DC some of the money comes across as somewhat grabby. Maybe it’s an attitude they’ve felt from you before. Is it possible that since you’ve moved away and set up home in another country, your interactions are such that they feel you are only interested in them peripherally and in what you can get from them? Because that might also explain why they’d keep quiet.

No wonder they didn’t tell you! You seem beyond upset and maybe they decided they didn’t want to upset you or to share their inheritance with you.

How did you find out? From your mum or brother? If so why did they tell you now? If from another source…are they stirring the pot? It seems to me ‘out of sight out of mind’ is the name of the game here. Particularly hard to bear from a mother/grandmother. Families can be toxic. Hold your own kids close and never be the reason they feel isolated and upset by you. I would feel upset about this too btw…though I suspect there’s not much love lost between you all anyway, as you are now in a different country, with bitter childhood memories of your mother. I believe you’re more upset on behalf of your kids…compounded by your husband telling you it’s not on. Hug your children, and try to get over it if you can 🥺

Sorry you have been put through this OP. I had similar in my family, except it was worse and potentially fraud, but won't go in to details. For me, it's about trust and honesty, or lack of, I would cut them off - they'd be dead to me if they could not explain a very good reason for their lack of honesty and transparency, and were not willing to apologise and make amends.

I'd ask to speak to them, and tell them how hurt you are. How they respond and what they do after, tells you everything you need to know...If you feel they don't care, it sounds like you have reason to feel that way, and sometimes you are best off just cutting toxic people out. Listen to your feelings, they are telling you something important. Concentrate on the good people that deserve a place in your life, sometimes friends are better than family.

It's not a big secret. It's £10k not a life changing amount of money. It is no wonder they didn't tell you reading your posts.

It’s not their fault your auntie didn’t leave you anything. They probably didn’t tell you to save your feelings. How do you know they didn’t really need that £10,000 and couldn’t afford to share it with you?

So essentially they told at least one other person that isn’t even family, or at least your ‘DM’ did, but decided not to tell you. The issue isn’t wether they had to or not, it’s wether the way they’ve gone about it is
acceptable. I’m always intrigued when people say they don’t have to tell you or share, as I wonder if that’s how they’d feel if their parent/s and sibling/s inherited a decent sum and kept them out of the picture. Not likely is it.

I’m erring on the side of they didn’t want to have to share at all and that’s why they didn’t tell you in that case. Either way, they could have said a small amount was left to your DM and she would give a small gift to your DC. imagine complaining you haven’t seen them after spending all the money and not once having the notion to pay for flights to come and see them. Seems the neighbour had far more decency than your own family.

I agree with most that your Aunt had no obligation to share her money with you.

it is the secrecy of your mum and brother that is wrong here. They knew it would upset you hence why they have kept it a secret from you. They should’ve been open and clear cut from the beginning.

Gosh I don’t know why so many people are being mean about this. It’s quite clear why you’re upset.
I too would have been upset, it’s difficult to know how to address it with your mum and brother but I would feel betrayed and let down. Like you say money aside they’ve gone behind your back and it seems deceitful. I also agree with a large sum like that their grandma surely could have treated them to £100 each for their saving accounts.

Well I think you are right to be upset plus it depends how close you were to your aunt . It's your aunt remember so she has every right to choose who she wants to give anything
having said that if I were in your position I would be upset to especially if when she was alive you thought you were close .
nothing will surprise me these days even if I got left out of any thing .
people can choose to do what they want .