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AIBU?

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Original poster

To hate how I am with DS?

64 replies

lookinthere · 17/10/2024 17:11

DS is nearly 4. I find him so difficult; always have to be honest. He isn’t a bad child but he pushes my buttons.

He is so unbelievably boisterous to the point where even hugging me feels aggressive - flings himself at me, gets right in my face, if he cuddles up to me he’s constantly kicking as well.
tell him not to I hear you say … well I do. Over and over. Listening skills are dire, he just doesn’t listen to a fucking word I say and I do find that so frustrating. On holiday he walked right to the edge of some stairs with no bannister or safety railing and ignored me yelling at him to move (was carrying younger child so couldn’t physically intervene) it was really stressful as I had a load of people at the top shouting down at me to get him to move and had to admit he doesn’t listen to me.

The not listening is probably at the root of our problems as I just feel like I talk to him and he doesn’t hear me although I’m fairly sure that he does. It means to get through to him I have to be snappy, horrible really and it’s awful.

OP posts:
itsmylife7 · 17/10/2024 20:12

Are you the only person he ignores OP

What's he like with other adults.

What's his behaviour like on days out or shops ?

LeopardLoop · 17/10/2024 20:11

lookinthere · 17/10/2024 18:47

Thanks. Impossible to say if it’s just being 3/4 or whether it’s something else. I find a lot of the time if I say not to do something or to leave something alone he just completely ignores me so then you end up raising your voice … not a pleasant atmosphere. He’s better out of the house but that’s not always possible.

I do need to spend more time connecting with him, just so bloody tired and drained at the moment.

I thought exactly the same at that age. Subsequently got autism diagnosis and 4 or 5 years later moved to special school. Preschool did not pick up on it. I thought I was a terrible mum (still do at times). To many, many people he would not appear autistic yet he needs to be in a special school and he makes me feel exceptionally incompetent as a parent.

Original poster
lookinthere · 17/10/2024 20:10

If you mention something like that he just whines on endlessly about it @SussexLass87 . I’m not sure he understands tbh.

OP posts:
Original poster
lookinthere · 17/10/2024 20:08

He does have consequences but they aren’t effective in changing his behaviour.

So we have something like

‘DS, don’t stand in front of the TV’
’DS, can you move over please, no one can see the TV’
’DS, the TV is going off unless you move!’

He moves but gets angry with you. It would be rather nice if he could just cooperate without threats and getting cross. But maybe that’s just not realistic.

OP posts:
SussexLass87 · 17/10/2024 20:08

Could you flip it the other way so that he earns something?

5 marbles in a jar = 5 more minutes tv time? (Or anything else that he really likes? Extra time at the park maybe?)

I know it's hard when you feel you're in a parenting rut (have been there!!) But you and your partner could agree to shower him with praise for every single little thing he does well?

You did so well at looking after your sister! You shared so well! I liked the way you smiled just then. You tried so hard at xyz today.

Even if he's sat doing absolutely nothing at all "You're being so calm and playing so nicely"

Almost think of it as forming a new habit.

(Also...I have had 2 x almost 4 year olds, plus I used to be a Reception teacher...it's a hard age...for them and us...I think they're growing up, getting new siblings, school is on the horizon and they're finding their independence and personalities more. It's a lot!)

Dramatic · 17/10/2024 20:02

lookinthere · 17/10/2024 18:01

no toys taking every single toy away isn’t really possible or practical. And he’d just take his sisters, he isn’t all that into toys

no sweets at the risk of sounding pompous he doesn’t have sweets, he isn’t massively motivated by food anyway

no trips to the park I personally don’t think this is a great sanction for not listening but unlikely to be effective. More a punishment for me.

You need to try it though because if there's absolutely no consequences then why would he bother to listen?

Languishinglayabout · 17/10/2024 20:01

Could you get a speech and language assessment? That would show what his level of understanding is.

Original poster
lookinthere · 17/10/2024 19:54

He has sensory input but the main issues are ignoring what you say or not responding. I often feel there’s a wall there, like I can’t reach him properly.

OP posts:
Meltdownoclock · 17/10/2024 18:58

My son will often become dysregulated to the point of dangerous sensory seeking behaviour when he is anxious.

Meltdownoclock · 17/10/2024 18:55

This sounds a lot like sensory seeking behaviour and impulsivity both signs of neurodivergence. He needs more sensory input? He needs sensory input to calm down.

Original poster
lookinthere · 17/10/2024 18:47

Thanks. Impossible to say if it’s just being 3/4 or whether it’s something else. I find a lot of the time if I say not to do something or to leave something alone he just completely ignores me so then you end up raising your voice … not a pleasant atmosphere. He’s better out of the house but that’s not always possible.

I do need to spend more time connecting with him, just so bloody tired and drained at the moment.

OP posts:
finallyfoundmyself · 17/10/2024 18:43

This sounds like my daughter at 4 when she was in full time school they started noticing issues and by age 6 was diagnosed with ADHD and ODD. She's 7 now and medicated and the change has been incredible. I felt at times that I struggled to have a bond because of behaviours but she would be very physically aggressive with me. Look up ODD. I'm not saying any of these things he has but may be worth looking into as he sounds like my daughter

RomeoRivers · 17/10/2024 18:38

My nearly 4 yo is also going through a not listening stage. She definitely hears me; she’s just being stubborn. When all other sanctions don’t work I send her up to her room for time out because I think it’s about attention. I’ve been laying on the positive recognition really thick and it does seem to be improving things.

Original poster
lookinthere · 17/10/2024 18:37

Pretty good, no delays or impediments. Does have a tendency to ramble on and frequently changes the topic, doesn’t always give very clear answers.

OP posts:
Ellie56 · 17/10/2024 18:34

What's his spoken language like?

Original poster
lookinthere · 17/10/2024 18:30

I have done … I’ve been worried about him for ages but in many ways he doesn’t seem to be different to any other three year old. It’s so hard to say. And in fairness even if there is a condition or reason it doesn’t make the communication between us any easier.

OP posts:
BarkLife · 17/10/2024 18:25

Have a chat with nursery and ask them if they're concerned that there's anything underlying his sensory seeking and lack of two way communication. They might have suspicions but not know how to address them with you.

Original poster
lookinthere · 17/10/2024 18:22

I’m pretty sure he does. He’s very nearly four. But yes I do wonder. I wonder about a lot!

OP posts:
Ellie56 · 17/10/2024 18:19

lookinthere · 17/10/2024 17:27

He 100% hears me. Just ignores me Sad

He might hear you but does he understand you?

Original poster
lookinthere · 17/10/2024 18:01

no toys taking every single toy away isn’t really possible or practical. And he’d just take his sisters, he isn’t all that into toys

no sweets at the risk of sounding pompous he doesn’t have sweets, he isn’t massively motivated by food anyway

no trips to the park I personally don’t think this is a great sanction for not listening but unlikely to be effective. More a punishment for me.

OP posts:
BalletCat · 17/10/2024 17:59

There has to be something he loves, find it and use it. No child in the world is happy with no toys, no sweets, no playing at the park, just keep going until he releases life is nicer if he listens.

At 4 he is old enough to understand that he cannot kick you while cuddling. If he keeps kicking you out him down, he can choose what he wants to do more, cuddle or kick, he can choose kick if he wants to but that neans no cuddles. There has to come a point where he realises that he can do what he wants or have a nice time and he will start to want the nice time.

Original poster
lookinthere · 17/10/2024 17:53

He doesn’t give a shit, honestly. It’s really hard to sanction because there’s nothing he’s really bothered about.

OP posts:
BalletCat · 17/10/2024 17:52

I would personally say if he doesn't listen I less you shout at him start telling him you will no longer shout, he will listen or there will be consequences, then follow through on them. Every. Single. Time.

He'll listen when he learns you ask once then he loses a toy and that's it. Or you ask once and then there's no ice cream and that's it.

Original poster
lookinthere · 17/10/2024 17:43

I’ve heard good things about that, I’ll order a copy.

OP posts:
Dontlletmedownbruce · 17/10/2024 17:41

123 magic by Thomas Phelan is a very good book for kids who don't listen. It's a simple system involving hand gestures and immediate consequences to avoid wordy instructions that get ignored.