To wonder if it’s bad that people tell me I’m a ‘closed book’ because I don’t like talking about personal or family matters?

I’m VERY private about my life but you’d never know it at work because I’m very sociable and I happily share stuff of no consequence. There is a difference between being buttoned up/ aloof/ hard work and just friendly and generally easy going.

It's perfectly in your right to not share a single thing but people who don’t share anything at all come across as quite weird and unsettling in a group situation. They are also takers (like the pp above who happily listen and capitalise on being privy to the office gossip) which is another layer of reason to distrust them.

Funny thing is, when people eventually do open up about anything they’ve guarded carefully it usually turns out to be the most boring regular shit that you wondered why they wasted all that energy being so mysterious!

I am the same.

However we live in an extroverts world and to be reserved is a trait that is seemingly disliked.

Some people eople are too keen to overshare in my opinion. On my next job I am going to be a bit more reticent

@TheCoralTurtle

I completely get you. I used to be in a job some 15 plus years ago - where there was an office manager (male) about five years older than me, who was always trying to poke his nose into my private affairs, and my marriage. Trying to find out why me and DH were selling a car and buying one 4 years older. 'Do you need the money? Are you broke?' Tried to find out why we were having another baby so soon after the last. 'Was it an accident?' 'Was it planned?!'

And when DH walked off 10 feet in front of me when he picked me up from work one day - the next day he asked what's wrong in our marriage! Nothing. DH was just going ahead to unlock the car and move the shopping off the passenger seat so I could get in. So fucking unbelievably nosey!

And I've met more people like that in the workplace and also in my neighbourhood. About a decade ago, this one particular woman moved into my village and I met her at a village hobby group.. She wanted to know every aspect of my private life. 'Why do you work part time?' 'Why do you only rent your home?' (which we did then!) 'why isn't your husband higher up in the company seeing as he's been there 10 years?!' (Because he really likes being in lower management and doesn't want to go up any further and have more responsibilities!) 'Why is your daughter doing a masters? Does she not want to actually work?!' (Cheeky cunt.) Just sooo many intrusive questions about things that were FUCK-ALL to do with her! (Often with a side order of rudeness, sarcasm,, and bitchiness!)

And when we were at the pub with her and her DP, she was asking intrusive questions about my DH's family, and my DH said he doesn't speak to his brother anymore, and hasn't for over a decade. BIG mistake! She just wouldn't stop going on about it! I was fuming with him for telling her this. All he had to say is they don't see each other much when she kept asking about him!

DH said he is a horrible, misogynistic controlling bully. (Think Charlie from Classic Corrie... Just like him.) DH said that he is dead to him, and that's all he is going to say about him.

She stared at me and started demanding to know if he was REALLY like that. I said yes he is and that's the end of the conversation really..'. I must have repeated this 100 times! She said 'yeah but is he really like that...?!' And she kept saying that!

I just said 'yes he is!' and that I really didn't like him either as he's a horrible misogynist who is toxic and controlling, (as DH had said,) and I won't elaborate any more.. She kept saying 'but really if your husband wasn't here what would you say about him though? Do you like him really?' I said 'no, no! I don't.' She just kept grilling me and going on at me and nagging and whining and saying 'yeah but if HE wasn't in the room what would you say?' I said 'I would say the same!' and I was starting to get angry with her goading.

She kept begging the answer to many questions about things that were fuck-all to do with her. Private family stuff, private couple stuff, and private financial information. 'How can you both afford to work part time? I don't get it!' she bleated with her head tilted and a confused look on her face. There is nothing for you to get! It is NOT YOUR BUSINESS!

She became so intense that after a year and a half of tolerating her, I actually ghosted her. She was starting to get me down, and make me feel anxious and stressed. Took a full year to shake her off and I had to drop out of both of my hobby groups in the village. I also lost 2 friends, (in the village, who I made at the hobby group,) as they sided with her as she told them I was a bitch for ghosting her. Like I was the bad guy! Thankfully, she AND the 2 'friends' live a good 15 minutes walk from me, and not too close to me, so I rarely see them!

Another reason I don't divulge my private life to anybody or any personal issues I've got, is because ultimately - when you fall out with that person, they will use it as ammunition to hurt you. I've had it happen and it's fucking horrible.

I tell people NOTHING now. My private life is just that... PRIVATE!

😆

Well, it's OK to keep many things private, but having a friend of 25 years and not knowing if she is married or has any partner at all is extremely odd.

Yep! This! ^

Yep this! ^

I keep virtually everything to myself.

At work, they know pretty much nothing about my personal life and that's the way it will stay.

As far as I'm concerned, this does not make you a closed book.

A person referred to as a closed book is usually someone who doesn't share anything. At all. The key word is "closed". In an office environment, it's the kind of person you can be sittin gnext to for 2 years and you don't know if they have a partner or children, you don't know a thing about what they like to do in their spare time etc.

You are someone who chooses not to overshare, who shares enough to maintain relationships in appropriate settings. That's totally different. I worked in close quarters with people for years. We all knew the basics about each other and inevitably we had certain things in common with certain people - one colleague's dad came from the same city as me, another and I used to swap recipes - while other things just don't come up or are kept private. While my old friends know that I read a lot, I don't think anyone who has met me in the last 20 years has any idea how much I read. I might get involved in a chat about that new book everyone is talking about, but no one knows the full breadth and range of what I read. That doesn't make me a closed book, it's just a part of my life I prefer to keep privat these days. There are lots of other parts of my life I keep private too. I'm still not a closed book.

This is just so personal and there are degrees.

I share some deeply personal details (domestic abuse experience) in a professional context because it's highly relevant to my role. I'm quite open about many things if asked although I don't volunteer information. It tends to come out more if I ask other people about their lives and then I might mention it as something in common etc. People who have known me a long time would not describe me as an over-sharer but can tell you a surprising amount about me if they piece it all together.

I certainly wouldn't dream of sharing any private medical information or relationship issues with anyone but the closest of friends and then only if it was something quite serious.

I have a friend who I’ve know for 25 years and I could not honestly tell you whether she is married, has a partner, boyfriend, girlfriend, nothing. I know she doesn’t have kids. We just chat about current affairs, books, TV, work. She only knows I’m married with a kid because I’ll have mentioned them in passing at some point. She doesn’t ask about them. It’s all gravy.

Ive Worked with someone for nearly 5 years now, very small team and I barely know anything about her. She is a very closed book. I’m fairly private by chatty with with people that reciprocate that. An example is you are making coffee in the kitchen and ask how her weekend is - reply - fine thanks - you? And that is pretty much all you get! It’s really hard work and it’s hard to warm to her. If I try and make conversation she shuts it down with very short answers, and I’m definitely not chatty myself!

Who are these people?

If it is a partner or close friend, then they may have a point.

But if it is simply gossipy work colleagues or acquaintances you don't owe them any details about your personal life...it is none of their business.

It's annoying for nosy parkers.

People overshare

I do it myself and I hear stuff coming out of my mouth and think 'shut up!!!'

I'd say briskly to any comment on being a closed book, 'I'm a woman of mystery. I like to keep my personal life private when I'm at work'.

(That's a lie, btw - I'm a massive oversharer but I'd feel no compunction about basically refusing to fall in line with other people's expectations of what I should divulge to them)

I'm the same. You don't want everyone knowing all your business. If anyone comments I just say I like to maintain an air of mystery as it would be very boring to know everything about me all at once. I tell people some things so we can chat about stuff. For example, I talk to a colleague about books but she doesn't know I go to a hobby each week. My hobby people don't know where I work etc. I'd mention these things in future if they came up or were relevant but I don't just randomly bring it up. If you ask me what I did at the weekend, I will tell you about one thing when I actually did 5 things 😂

I'd be interested in what the other person defined as you being a closed book, Op

OP I'm like you and am finding as the world becomes more encouraging of over sharing I'm become more closed off. To clarify to those who don't know me well and I have no wish to change that dynamic with.

I think it's perfectly possible to work in a team, support each other and enjoy your working hours together without living in each other's pockets or knowing everything about someone.

I think it depends on how you do it. If you deflect the conversation onto other topics, that's probably seen as less "closed" than abruptly shutting down the entire conversation.

You can do whatever you like and feel comfortable with. Being closed off however does mean you will not create the same deep emotional connections with other people. They may not trust you or want to spend time with you in the same way etc. In the workplace, sharing absolutely nothing can make you appear judgemental of other people (its not really fair, but it is what it is).

That's totally fine if you're happy with that.

Bringing your whole self to work will definitely be used against you.

We did some touchy-feely manager's course which involved 'how open your window was' (had a technical name of some sort) and mine was apparently tightly shut - yippee! The point being, I think, that if you didn't share stuff then your team wouldn't feel close to you and want to share back. Being shut worked for me and the team blubbed to each other apparently.....and the in-house gossip kept me updated on the good bits 😁

I think you can be close to people without telling them details of your sex life or medical history, to pick two things that people overshare about.