To wonder if it’s bad that people tell me I’m a ‘closed book’ because I don’t like talking about personal or family matters?

I’m a bit of a closed book and fine about it, certainly to work colleagues and acquaintances. Even some friends. I really hate it when people tell you their whole life story and various traumas five minutes after meeting them…I don’t need to know, or care!

No, I’m talkative, but I don’t share much personal stuff, other than with family or really close friends. No point in gabbing everything everywhere. 🤷‍♀️

You are perfectly fine. Those who need to know your stuff will know.

I hate nosy people and they probably hate me for not telling them stuff.

A co-worker said she didn't trust people (me) who don't post family/friends on their SM. I thought she was a terrible oversharer, because I knew everything about her family, down to the furthest removed in-law. Not someone I want to trust with any of my affairs 😬.

People think I'm really open but it's all fluff and I'm actually pretty manipulative (not in a bad way) and either divert, obfuscate, lie if I have to very well to make sure that people know exactly what I want them to know and no more

They have a point.

I used to work at a school.

I worked there ten years with this particular bloke. He was head of department for three of those years.

If you asked him literally anything - how was your weekend, any plans for half term, etc, you'd just get shutting down answers.

Weekend was fine, no plans etc.

It was actually really difficult because I was asked to work on a project with him within the department and he really did behave like he hated me and wanted to avoid speaking to me where possible.

It's not fun working with someone who acts like they hate you, want you to shut up and can't wait for the meeting to be over.

He never said hello to any of the department when he saw them and didn't join in with coffee time or lunches either.

I could never work out if he hated all people equally or had a specific dislike of me.

But "how was your weekend?" is just an idle pleasantry, is it not? Like asking someone how they are? You don't really want a blow-by-blow account of their activities any more than you want a full health report in asking how they are. I'd reply just like the lady in the example. It's not rude, you've answered and responded politely. On the other hand, if I was asked if I did anything nice at the weekend then I'd know they were being more than just "polite" and I'd probably answer in a little bit of detail, and ask about theirs.

Sometimes small talk is all the better for being kept small.

That seems quite sad to me.

But then, I was on a thread a few weeks back where someone felt that small talk along lines of "do you have children, where do you live" etc was very intrusive and rude so.... [shrug]

I’m like this, mainly because I refuse to believe anyone would have any deep interest in the details of my life. Which leads me to be bemused and suspicious when people start asking probing questions.

Its not bad to be told that. You don't have to tell anyone anything. You are more comfortable being a private person. Maybe you feel more in control that way, I know I do. Actually, it's probably why I don't have close friends. I just prefer to keep my business to myself. I'll have a chat & all that, but I won't let anyone in.

Yes that’s bordering on rude really because she could easily respond in a way that doesn’t reveal anything about herself at all and mutter something about the good weather making it easier to enjoy the outdoors or something.

Maybe she doesn’t have the headspace for mindless chat and that’s fine, but you can at least acknowledge someone else’s presence in a friendly way!

Yeah, I kind of agree. She never mentions anyone, so I assume she hasn’t, and I’m not going to ask “do you have a partner?”. She’s not a close friend but we do see each other 4-5 times a year for food / drinks, and text, always on non-personal life subjects.

Are we all to live and work in mute silence then? Great fun. 🙄👏🏻👏🏻

Johari Window is the term the work psychologist referred to - the technique proved mine was bolted shut!

My lived experience says otherwise.

Thanks for your input.

Sigh. Not telling people willy-nilly about things you consider private is nothing to do with introversion or extroversion.

You sound great, OP. If you're a "closed book", then so am I. In fact, you should be proud of it. There is nothing worse than people who want to talk about themselves all the time, and it's just verbal incontinence. I think the world would be a happier and calmer place if people just cultivated a bit of reserve and reticence.

A private life is a happy life.

You do the right thing op. Privacy is everything! Only nosey parkers will likely be upset that they dont know your business!

Totally. I have good, close longterm friendships where we talk about all kinds of things, but not necessarily anything that would traditionally be considered ‘private’.

Is it cryptic one-plop posts day again today?

I think it depends if you show interest in others. If you don't talk about yourself much, but do show genuine interest in what others share, I don't think it bothers anyone other than the egregious nosy parkers.

What people on a team look for is connection and thoughtfulness. So if a colleague says that they're off to the theatre, it's not the end of the world to say if you've seen that play, or would like to, and it's nice if next day you can remember to ask if they enjoyed it.

Likewise if your colleague is worried about their child/elderly parent/ their own health, then check in with them, ask how they are, just let them know that you heard what they shared and you care about them. You don't have to share anything of yourself to connect, as long as you make it clear that you're interested in them.

I have a close family member who is intensely private, but also doesn't ask questions that show any interest in us.
I try to understand, and she is almost certainly neuro-diverse. But on an emotional level I find it sad that she has no interest in me or my life, even though I know that she loves me. Conversation can be really difficult. I'll tell her something of interest that I'm doing, and she looks at me with a 'why are you telling me this?' expression on her face.

It depends in what context multiple people are saying you are a closed book to them. If a close friend said that, it wouldn't be a good thing. If a long term colleague I liked and trusted said it, it wouldn't be a good thing. Some degree of openness is needed in good relationships.

But if a new colleague I didn't like or trust said it, I would think they were making trouble and blank it with a . And if I were online dating and a guy said it I would think I just wasn't rolling over as quick as he would like, and he was pushing boundaries, so I would cut him off.

So it totally depends where it is coming from.

People are so nosey. I'm like you, hate being asked personal questions.

Like everything there’s a balance in life. If I’m just trying to rub along with someone in work, school gates, etc then something needs to be shared in order to not do the ‘fine thanks’ ‘fine thanks’ full stop thing. It can ultimately feel quite unsettling to me if I can’t find any points of connection with people. But sometimes that’s just how it is and standing in silence is fine.

on the other hand you get closed book types who deflect by asking you barrages of questions about yourself. I know 2 like this and over time it is almost worse than the types who give you nothing to work with at all.

I think it's pretty rude to tell someone that they're a closed book.

It's hard to know whether you are being unreasonable or not. If you are evading questions that are fairly inconsequential, then I can see that it might be difficult to be friends, have conversations etc.

However, if you are evading questions that are overly personal, then this is fine and the person asking them needs to wind their neck in.