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Original poster

For not responding to save the dates

68 replies

NotASoccerMum · 17/10/2024 10:29

I'm starting to realise this is becoming a bit of a thing and now starting to think perhaps I am in the wrong.

My kids get invites to parties all the time, as kids do. Sometimes parents first send out a save the date, but later follow up with an invite.

In my mind, I'm not expected to confirm attendance to a save the date - especially when I don't have details re time/location. Perhaps I'll acknowledge it but not do more.

But a couple of times recently, I've had people send me some passive aggressive messages about not having confirmed attendance.

Most recently, the comments came because someone followed up a save the date to ask if we would be attending a party. So had replied to say "I don't have an invite so please send me the details". So they then sent the invite and implied I didn't get it before because I only added an emoji to the save the date that was sent some months back - I didn't actually respond.

I hate messaging as it is, I'm really introverted and fully prepared to accept I'm wrong here. I just never understood a dave the date to be the same as an invite.
(I'm in the UK, for context - in case that makes a difference )

OP posts:
ThisHangryPinkBalonz · 17/10/2024 13:13

I've never heard of save the date for kids parties but I would respond with yes or no, some people obviously want numbers to plan what they are actually doing.

I could understand it, at holiday busy times of the year, were lots of people tend to be away.

But I'm sure the parents will soon find out that people still drop out last minute.

twentysevendresses · 17/10/2024 13:09

What fresh hell is this??? 'Save the dates' for a children's birthday party??? Jesus Christ the entitlement of this!

Parents - if you are one of the parents buying into this complete and utter crap, PLEASE STOP! Just be sodding normal and send out a party invitation 2 weeks before!!

FML 🤦‍♀️

OP - I'd ignore the precious darlings Save The Date! I'm not 'saving a date' for a 7 year olds birthday party 😂😂

Duckmamahere · 17/10/2024 12:59

Save the dates for kids parties!! What on earth is happening to this world.

On a serious note, no I wouldn’t respond to a save the date either and would wait for an invitation.

yeaitsmeagain · 17/10/2024 12:04

I thought this was going to be about weddings! For a kids' birthday party it's even more insane.

earlylunch · 17/10/2024 11:48

NotASoccerMum · 17/10/2024 11:25

@earlylunch - no, that's not where i'm picking up the irritation from the other party. It because of the referencing the fact that they are having to chase me because I didn't respond to the save the date. And that I would have been sent an invite with details sooner (after i requested one) if i'd responded to the save the date.

so they just sent you a message to ask if you would be coming or not?

Paganpentacle · 17/10/2024 11:43

Does a 'Save the date' thing also have time and location of said event?

If not... how the hell do you know you'll be attending??
I'd not be committing myself to vagaries.

Jellybeanbag · 17/10/2024 11:31

I don't really think its that deep.

This is the date we're doing a party, you know to keep it free or not book yours to clash. Or don't go. Simple.

No big deal IMO

MrSeptember · 17/10/2024 11:30

NotASoccerMum · 17/10/2024 11:27

That's fair. And to save issues in the future, I'll probably do this sort of thing a bit more. I don't want to fall out with people over it. Really wanted to get a sense of how unreasonable I was being.

But I can also just try and be more kind. Doesn't cost me anything right.

Show quote history

Yes, I think treat it as an invitation bcause it's probably because they want to nail down dates and numbers, but that doesn't mean you have to commit fully.

I do think some people can be a bit entitled in that they then don't bother to firm up details and you're holding the entire day free so it's reasonable that if they expect you to respond, you expect them to provide more info relatively soon so you can plan accordingly.

We have this with one of DS' sports activities -they have an annoying habit of not selecting final teams until 24 hours before. But if DS is playing, I need to organise childcare for DD and if he's not, I don't. But as he only plays about half the time, it's not practical for me to do this organisation until I know. Drives me mad.

Original poster
NotASoccerMum · 17/10/2024 11:29

Ok, gonna go get some work done now. But appreciate all the responses. Overall, i've decided I haven't been altogether unreasonable. But knowing how some people do feel about these things, I can try to be more considerate.

OP posts:
Original poster
NotASoccerMum · 17/10/2024 11:27

MrSeptember · 17/10/2024 11:20

I would consider a save the date in this situation to be an invitation requiring a response, but not necessarily a definitive response. So I might say, "Johnny would love to attend if he can - depending on timing and location". Or more likely, I'd be specific (but lots of people get twitchy about that) and say something like, "Johnny would love to attend but we have football in the morning and I need to take Mary to her drama in the afternoon so it will depend on logistics"

That's fair. And to save issues in the future, I'll probably do this sort of thing a bit more. I don't want to fall out with people over it. Really wanted to get a sense of how unreasonable I was being.

But I can also just try and be more kind. Doesn't cost me anything right.

OP posts:
Original poster
NotASoccerMum · 17/10/2024 11:25

@earlylunch - no, that's not where i'm picking up the irritation from the other party. It because of the referencing the fact that they are having to chase me because I didn't respond to the save the date. And that I would have been sent an invite with details sooner (after i requested one) if i'd responded to the save the date.

OP posts:
MrSeptember · 17/10/2024 11:20

I would consider a save the date in this situation to be an invitation requiring a response, but not necessarily a definitive response. So I might say, "Johnny would love to attend if he can - depending on timing and location". Or more likely, I'd be specific (but lots of people get twitchy about that) and say something like, "Johnny would love to attend but we have football in the morning and I need to take Mary to her drama in the afternoon so it will depend on logistics"

DustyAmuseAlien · 17/10/2024 11:12

For a kids party I would assume the "save the date" is because they don't want to book an activity for up to 20 if only 8 will show up.

I would respond without definitively accepting or declining eg "we don't have anything major booked in that weekend but the diary does get quite full, so will have to confirm once we know exactly where/when, but count B as "highly probable"

I had a DC whose birthday always fell in the school holidays. I always had to sound people out to get a rough idea of how many would be around for a party before I booked anything. Never went so far as a "save the date" though.

Runsyd · 17/10/2024 11:11

Pre-invitations for invitations? Fuck that.

Ginnnny · 17/10/2024 11:09

A save the date isn't an invitation - there's no need to reply! God people are going mental.
You don't RSVP to a wedding save the date!

Gymmum82 · 17/10/2024 11:04

I’ve never received a save the date for a kids party.
Nowadays when parties are much smaller than when they were younger we might get a message saying planning x party on x date can you make it? Because if 2/4 of the guests can’t make the date it’s not really going to work.
Whole class parties was just an invite a month before and whoever came came

Temushopper · 17/10/2024 11:01

On the one hand I get people see it as annoying. On the other we were already given a date for next spring/summer for a couple of my 8 year old daughter’s friends as they are taking a small group to see a show and want to book in advance. I guess for those wondering why you’d need one for a kids birthday it’ll maybe be for something like that. One of the mums said they will do a meal before or after but she will sort that detail nearer the time. For now it’s just the show booking they are making.

ParliamentofBadgers · 17/10/2024 11:01

I’ve never had a save the date for a birthday party, and I’ve never thought of a save the date as being something that requires a response (and I’m far from flaky and response to most invitations, in some form or another, pretty much immediately).

earlylunch · 17/10/2024 11:01

NotASoccerMum · 17/10/2024 10:59

Three.

Show quote history

and what has the message actually said?

“could you let me know?”
or something more “aggressive”?

Original poster
NotASoccerMum · 17/10/2024 10:59

earlylunch · 17/10/2024 10:56

how many times have you actually been “passively aggressively” chased OP?

Three.

OP posts:
Original poster
NotASoccerMum · 17/10/2024 10:58

minipie · 17/10/2024 10:51

Don’t the save the dates generally give broad timing eg afternoon or morning? Ours do

as for location… IME primary kids’ parties are generally within a short journey… or the parents are going to transport everyone

Nope, nothing but a date.

Re location- in the past year my (primary aged) kids have been to maybe 6/7 parties that have been about an hour away from us/school.

The last party this person invited us too, took me over 2hrs to get to.

If i have a rough time and location, it's a lot easier to decide on. But I'm literally talking about just being given a date.

OP posts:
toastofthetown · 17/10/2024 10:58

KnickerlessParsons · 17/10/2024 10:46

I don't understand the difference between a "save the date" and an invitation. If someone is asking you to keep a date free, surely that implies that you are invited to the event - may be the details like time and date are to follow, but you're being invited.

Or can you be asked to save the date and then not be invited?

Generally a save the date is sent out soon after booking the venue to everyone you plan to invite, so that if they want to attend they can keep the date free. It’s poor etiquette-wise to not invite someone who has had a save the date outwith some external factors.

An invitation is sent closer to the time, when more details are finalised. You aren’t likely to know what the menu options are and many details for the day you may wish to include in an invitation, and many guests won’t want to commit that early, so asking for an RSVP closer to the time makes more sense. Dietary requirements change, people might not be able to attend for other reasons which came up in the interim, and partners change. I had a save the date addressed to my cousin and his partner, but the partner had changed by the time the wedding came around. Chasing RSVPs from invitations sent out over a year before sounds like a nightmare to me.

earlylunch · 17/10/2024 10:56

how many times have you actually been “passively aggressively” chased OP?

Original poster
NotASoccerMum · 17/10/2024 10:55

mynameiscalypso · 17/10/2024 10:51

Our school WhatsApp group uses save the dates sometimes - normally to check that nobody else is planning a party at the same time.

I totally get that. I'm fine with it - parents effectively marking out the date they are gonna be going with. There's been times when some kids have ended up having to rearrange because they've landed on a date they didn't know someone else already booked. So i get it from a practical perspective. It's just the responding bit I just didn't expect

OP posts:
mynameiscalypso · 17/10/2024 10:51

Our school WhatsApp group uses save the dates sometimes - normally to check that nobody else is planning a party at the same time.