THIS crosses the line - by exactly 349 miles

I also like the idea of op suggesting she joins him on these trips so she can look round an exciting new city on her own then join him for a lovely meal in the evening.

My DH works once a month in Copenhagen, I went with him once, had a great day looking round then a meal with him and a colleague in the evening. What stops me from doing this every time is we have 2 DC and I'm a SAHM.
Has op said she has kids?

He might be up to no good or as PP have said he might just be in the afterglow of a nice group bonding activity. I think you need to be careful not to get whipped up into a frenzy of suspicion by other posters. Take a step back and think about what you know your DH has actually done?

• filmed a video of the group with her in it and watched it 3 times
• put a group photo with her in it on his photo album of the event
• applied (?) for a job in the place she lives.

Be honest with yourself. Are the photos/videos really focusing on her or is that just your interpretation? Maybe show them to a friend you trust and ask her opinion.

He must have talked about her to you as you know her name and location. How did this come up? Was he talking about all of the people he'd met on the retreat? Did you see her in his photos or video and say "ooh, who's that?".
As @Holotropic asked, is the area where the job is a big city?
Does he have form? Do you have form for unfounded suspicion?

You got a similar answer from @Holotropic and you agreed with everything they said, but then asked for more advice supporting your view. This despite the fact that the overwhelming sentiment on this and your last thread have been supporting the "head has been turned" (who says that??) point of view. I suspect that posting on here won't help you resolve the issues and will just feed anxiety.

This is troubling, @SpaceyChapman. Can you elaborate? Does your H not value or respect your feelings and opinions?

On the basis of what you said DP is considering a job based close by to where lady from the retreat works. He hasn’t accepted it or worked out terms and conditions etc. it’s not even 100% clear from your post that there’s a role available.

I am with you in that my heckles would be raised by him moving jobs and having regular overnight stays near the lady from the retreat, but it sounds like this is not what is currently going on.

I would keep open communication with him and keep an open mind.

Just ask him if he'd be as keen on the move if it wasn't her hometown ? ( See if he gets flustered at the comment )

I commented on your other thread too, i suggested you make a joke out of him having a crush and take the piss a bit which is what I would do.

it seems though that maybe you don’t have a lot of power in your marriage? How do you resolve other conflicts and disagreements? Do you normally speak to him about things that upset you or piss you off? Or do you feel like you don’t have much of a voice?

When did married people forget the art of communication.

ask him.

There is nothing irrational, melodramatic or “unhinged” about your reactions here OP, and it’s weird that posters are trying to make this your fault. Your H is sitting round sighing over videos of a woman right in front of you, trying to impress her with his cooking and now wants to change job to work round the corner from her. Trust your instincts.

If you do intend to watch and wait, please also use that time to gather paperwork on all finances and consider your options. Do you have children? Is he the sole/higher earner? You don’t have to decide now but just have possibilities open.

It is definitely suspicious OP. Sorry about the gaslighting from people further up thread. I think you have every right to feel the way you do.

However, my take on this would be let him go. You can have words all you like, but he has applied for a job to be closer to her.

That is quite a step, he must be fairly certain it is worth his while, or already has been.

If you stay with him this is going to be how it is for the rest of the relationship. Him making shady moves and you driving yourself nuts about it

I think the PP’s suggestion that you go with him when he goes away and his reaction to that will tell you everything you need to know.

I would sit him down and tell him this ridiculous crush has gone far enough and he is making a fool of himself.

This should lead to him defending himself if it has gone further, eg well actually it’s not a crush, we were at it like rabbits all holiday and she wants me to move in. Horrible but at least you will know.

Or it might make him realise he’s being stupid if it is just a passing obsession.

If I were you I’d dump him regardless, but I am ND and very black and white about relationships. You’re in or you’re out. He seems completely checked out.

I like the idea that it will all blow over and turn into nothing…

@SpaceyChapman, the horse is about to bolt from the barn. Sit by and say nothing at your own peril.

I’ve linked your other thread for posters who haven’t read it. Your H has been playing with fire, and your news suggests that his limerance is escalating.

He had an adventure with this woman which clearly affected him greatly and turned his head. He actually filmed his crush at the retreat and has been repeatedly watching her with an adoring and ‘longing’ expression right in front of you. He has also found ways to reach out to her, such as sending photos of himself cooking to their WhatsApp group to capture her attention. Cooking, his newfound interest since he returned, just happens to be her passion.

Now he is making noise about working in her city. He is finding a way and taking steps to be in her presence. He is actively investing.

You’ve updated your other thread and stated that you’ve decided to ‘swallow’ your unsettled feelings. I have definite views on your scenario, as I have seen this play out with disastrous results multiple times in my professional life, as well as in my family. Ostriching and swallowing your distress about an unresolved relationship breach can seriously harm your emotional and physical health. And intimate secrets like those you and H are keeping will damage your marriage and cause rot to set in.

You’ve called your H ‘incredible’. Do you have him on such a high pedestal that you have difficulty questioning or confronting him when he causes you hurt? Do you ever get angry at him? I fear that avoiding your upset and turning a blind eye will come back to bite you, as he is already acting on his new exciting feelings. The horse is bolting.

@SpaceyChapman, your marriage is in a crisis, and I strongly advise you to take definitive action. Shining a light on H’s inappropriate behavior and expressing your discomfort may be the sharp shock he needs to pull himself out of his enchantment fog. Tell him where you stand and what your expectations are.

www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5187807-this-video-shouldnt-be-on-his-phone-it-shouldnt-even-exist?page=7&reply=139216341

Yes, I do.
I'd be confused- hurt- and yes- angry.

Right, so your first thread was deleted by MN and the second is still up.

You should have posted this as an update on the second thread, OP. This is just getting confusing.

What ?? that has nothing to do with this.

What has that got to do with this thread?

Maybe he's trying to get some space from you because you're increasingly becoming unhinged.

On your other thread I was one of the pp who thought you would be better to speak to him about how to you felt and your concerns.
And given your update I think it's more important than ever to bring things out into the open.. A career change is an important move and has implications for both of you. Given that he is manipulating his proposed career change to allow him to be physically close to her then I don't see how you can avoid discussing things with him.

Op I think that this is the third thread you have started about this situation? It's probably easier and more informative for people to see all the information on one thread.

You need to speak to him

If it's only once a month or so, do go with him! I'd suggest enthusing about this possibility right now. Look up the interesting features of that town, nice restaurants and historic pubs you can enjoy together.

If he starts shooting the idea down straight away, you'll KNOW you've got a problem.

WRT "I prefer this [watching & waiting] TBH, but I honestly don't know what I'd do if he goes down this line" - you could do worse than make a clear contingency plan to action if/when it all gets a bit much. Financial info organised, where to stay etc, confide in at least one trustworthy person.

I read your other thread, but only after you edited some apparently colourful descriptions of this woman.

It seems very obvious that he has a crush on her. Can't be helped, that happens to all of us. But I think that feeding that crush - and I would class mooning over videos of her as feeding a crush - is not appropriate and an adult in a committed relationship should be shutting that shit down themselves. Of course his choice of job location is suspicious.

I do feel for you. You are in a tricky position of being right imo, but not really having anything concrete to confront him with. I really, really don't think you should confront him at this stage anyway. If you do he will delete and hide anything that is suspicious and tell you you're crazy. You will be no further forward and you will probably never get answers. You need to know if he's messaging her privately. Can you check his phone?