About who should get up with the kids

rainingitspouring2 · 2024-10-17T05:04:25+00:00

I have 2 small children under 4. My DH works shifts. I get up for all the night wakes, breastfeed and get up everyday at 5am when my youngest wakes up , do breakfast, the nursery run or watch them both all day do bedtime all on my own etc When DH is off for a chunk of time I ask if he can get up with LO at 5am sometimes especially if I am working that day. He doesn't like doing this at all - says I WFH and his job is not comparable to mine so if he has any disrupted sleep he should still get a lie in as my job is 'easy'. However I am still disturbed as my youngest always comes in the bed on my side and leaves him alone and I still would like to have some rest so when I log in at 9am for work I dont feel like I've lived 100 lives before facing the tasks at hand. I'm also not asking for it often just now and then. Should mothers just accept this is part of the load of motherhood? AIBU?

Love51 · 18/10/2024 12:15

rainingitspouring2 · 17/10/2024 10:33

He isn't terrible he is very kind to the kids and hands on when we do a family activity and also kind to me does dinners when home etc but I do feel like sometimes he doesn't give me much credit and I get the impression he feels like I'm not doing enough because I get tired and overstimulated or when he does help out, it's hard. A lot of his friends don't do much and he thinks he does too much. Because I get this feeling I don't initiate sex and don't accept advances sometimes either as I don't feel appreciated or desired generally. Tbh he doesn't advance on me very often anyway. I'm frustrated but secure and the children are happy and healthy and I would hate to take that from them.

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Mine was of the opinion that he was doing well because he was doing more than either of our dads / dads of kids we knew. I said that seeing as I didn't marry any of those people it wasn't relevant. I married him and he was not doing anywhere near as much as me. He pulled his finger out and we became a proper team.
Don't throw yourself quickly into a divorce. Just work towards positive change for a few months as situations can improve. Givd yourself a deadline - if you don't see significant improvement by the end of Jan, for example. If he's a bit borderline by then you can always reassess after another 6 weeks.

Coalsy · 18/10/2024 11:59

He sounds really awful and abusive.
He punishes you with anger when you ask for him to parent his own children.
He is a shit husband and father.

Comtesse · 18/10/2024 11:56

It is bullshit of him to threaten divorce on the back of this blowup. Again his needs are more important and OP better back down or else. Hmm don’t like that at all.

Icanttakethisanymore · 17/10/2024 19:06

ComtesseDeSpair · 17/10/2024 06:15

Who wanted the children most? That’s the person who does the shit bits. This is why I’m currently up in the cold and dark feeding ducks and horses and cleaning up their poop.

Congratulations! This is the second most stupid response on this thread.

first place is “They're your kids so yes you should take care of them”

thepariscrimefiles · 17/10/2024 10:51

araiwa · 17/10/2024 06:13

They're your kids so yes you should take care of them

So they aren't her husband's kids? Do you think that fathers shouldn't take care of their kids at all even if the mum also works, like OP does?

nutbrownhare15 · 17/10/2024 10:47

Ask him why your sleep and wellbeing are less important than his

buttonsB4 · 17/10/2024 10:45

If you lived separately from your H and co-parented 50/50, would your life get easier of harder?

If easier, then go for divorce, he should be enhancing your life and sharing life's challenges, not making it harder for you.

earlylunch · 17/10/2024 10:37

as your children get older
they will be very aware if their parents are unhappy

SociallyAwkwardOverthinker · 17/10/2024 10:34

rainingitspouring2 · 17/10/2024 10:24

Just had a massive arguement. I know we are both tired. He did get up with one of our DC last night but the other was in the bed on me and my arguement was I do night wakes and get up and do breakfast when he works I'd just like the same sometimes. Anyway he has been off with me even though he got up at 5am and I got up at 6am to help and start work
Divorce has been thrown around by him. Says if we are both unhappy why stick it out. He asked if I am happy and I didn't reply. Is this rash considering the circumstances and that we are both just sleep deprived and in the trenches of having young children. I'm so confused and lost right now I do want to be happy bit I don't know what to do...

Edited

Does he usually threaten divorce when yiuve had a disagreement?

I'd be wary that hes just saying it to shut you up so he doesnt have to pull his weight. Remind him if you do divorce he will have the kids 50% of the time on his own

It doesnt sound like hes very nice OP.

Original poster

rainingitspouring2 · 17/10/2024 10:33

earlylunch · 17/10/2024 10:27

put this issue completely aside OP

what is like as a husband
is the marriage otherwise happy?

He isn't terrible he is very kind to the kids and hands on when we do a family activity and also kind to me does dinners when home etc but I do feel like sometimes he doesn't give me much credit and I get the impression he feels like I'm not doing enough because I get tired and overstimulated or when he does help out, it's hard. A lot of his friends don't do much and he thinks he does too much. Because I get this feeling I don't initiate sex and don't accept advances sometimes either as I don't feel appreciated or desired generally. Tbh he doesn't advance on me very often anyway. I'm frustrated but secure and the children are happy and healthy and I would hate to take that from them.

OP posts:

SociallyAwkwardOverthinker · 17/10/2024 10:29

araiwa · 17/10/2024 06:13

They're your kids so yes you should take care of them

Their also his kids so he should take care of them too

earlylunch · 17/10/2024 10:27

put this issue completely aside OP

what is like as a husband
is the marriage otherwise happy?

Original poster

rainingitspouring2 · 17/10/2024 10:24

Just had a massive arguement. I know we are both tired. He did get up with one of our DC last night but the other was in the bed on me and my arguement was I do night wakes and get up and do breakfast when he works I'd just like the same sometimes. Anyway he has been off with me even though he got up at 5am and I got up at 6am to help and start work
Divorce has been thrown around by him. Says if we are both unhappy why stick it out. He asked if I am happy and I didn't reply. Is this rash considering the circumstances and that we are both just sleep deprived and in the trenches of having young children. I'm so confused and lost right now I do want to be happy bit I don't know what to do...

OP posts:

Gamerlady · 17/10/2024 10:06

Your dh is very selfish , childcare should be 50/50 . We both worked when children were young. He got up in the night and also got up to go work . It's called team work .

autienotnaughty · 17/10/2024 10:03

So dh works mon-Friday I work 3 days. I do all morning wake ups in the week he does Saturday I do Sunday.

Broccoliandcarrots · 17/10/2024 09:59

It shouldn't be about "who has the easiest job". If you say you're struggling, he should help you when he can because he cares about you. Even if he was right and your job's dead easy (your job might be - I know mine is - but looking after two toddlers all day is emotionally and physically knackering)... but even if he's right and you just have a lower stamina for hard work than most... that doesn't change the fact that you do feel tired and he should help you because he cares.

Broccoliandcarrots · 17/10/2024 09:56

araiwa · 17/10/2024 06:13

They're your kids so yes you should take care of them

They're his kids too, genius.

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 17/10/2024 09:38

@rainingitspouring2 think of him just as a sperm donor!! he is never a loving hubby!

RickiRaccoon · 17/10/2024 09:20

It can be hard to work out what's 'fair' because there's individual circumstances (work hours, sleep needs, start and end times) -- you just try and put in equal effort generally. It's not fair if one person is running themselves ragged and the other is cruising. I'd question how much someone loves and respects their partner if they're prepared to laze about in bed everyday while they see them exhausted.

I have 2 under 4 and they prefer me to take them to bed and come find me when they get up in the middle of the night or morning. I do what I can reasonably. Sometimes it just has to be DH's turn.

Coalsy · 17/10/2024 09:09

He's a selfish loser.
Shit husband and shit father.
I am so sorry.
Stop doing ANYTHING for him.
He really doesn't care about you.
That's the bottom line.
I hope you have family and friends around?
Tell them the truth.
Men like him don't change.

ThisHangryPinkBalonz · 17/10/2024 09:08

CharlotteSometimes1 · 17/10/2024 06:48

I was a sahm and we took turns at the weekend, additionally if for whatever reason I was shattered my DH would do some extra early or night wakes with the dc. It’s called being a team, or just plain old being parents.

Exactly this, my dh was the same.

AnneLovesGilbert · 17/10/2024 09:04

Who are the stupid 3%?

Of course YANBU.

BarbaraHoward · 17/10/2024 09:04

It's the age old hypocrisy isn't it. Either it's easy enough for you to do it all the time, in which case it should be no big deal for him to do it. Or it's tiring and difficult and so he shouldn't expect you to do it all.

So many men seem to struggle to grasp that one.

He should be doing far more than the odd early morning. Yes the shifts complicate things a little but women who work shifts manage to parent too.

pictoosh · 17/10/2024 08:58

He’s sefish and doesn’t care if you are tired as long as he’s not put out. Thats basically the crux of it, he just doesn’t care.

Yes. This truth is often hard for people to take.

pictoosh · 17/10/2024 08:49

No, he's simply being an outright prick.