Think I've blown it with friend

I've stopped bothering replying to certain friends who text me with generic how are yous? How's DH? DC? and on. I just don't want to stand and type out a bloody run down of what's going on when they're not in contact enough to know the context/details. And they could PHONE me!!! Actually speak to me. Or even zoom?! Having to cater to distant friends and their texts is draining and annoying and not supportive. Maybe your friend feels like that?

I still feel a bit sorry for the other person in this scenario though. It sounds like you didn’t really class them as a real friend as otherwise you would have told them what was going on with you and would have been leaning on them for support.

the fact that they were hurt by your withdrawal and wanted to know what they could do to fix it suggests they DID class you as a proper friend. It must have been painful when you sent that text to realise you didn’t view the friendship in the same way.

Thats not really your fault, you can’t help how you feel but it must have hurt them.

I agree with the above, I’d find the whole “what have I done” series of messages really stressful, particularly if I was withdrawing from contact (with everyone) for a legitimate reason. I do understand your need to know what happened, if anything, but even so.

I also agree that the value of friendship shouldn’t be measured by counting messages. I have friends who 10 years ago I would text every day. Now we barely text - families, kids, work arrived and got in the way. However, when we meet up it’s still like it always was. Friendships change, it doesn’t mean they don’t still exist because the messages have dropped off.

My first thought was that your friend is trying to be more present in her actual surroundings and less dependent on social media. Maybe she's lonely or unfulfilled and feels this is something she needs to do to improve the quality of her "real life".

I get how that sucks given that you obviously can't be physically with her that often and have no choice but to communicate virtually.

Oh OP I really feel for you. It sounds like she was really grey rocking you and that is incredibly painful.

i agree I think she was withholding the real reason from you but unfortunately you can’t force her to tell you what’s really going on.

I think if it were me in your position I’d probably send an apology text for peace of mind. You could say something along the lines of - really sorry, don’t want to lose the friendship, she means a lot to you and you’d like to keep the lines open.

I’d not necessarily expect a reply and I think after that I’d try to just come to terms with the friendship having cooled and maybe start investing in other potential friendships. You could send the occasional text to keep in touch but try to not expect a reply - it’s hard!

at least you will have peace of mind and if she gets back in touch in future that is great.

I was on the receiving end of this. Going through my own shit, my daughter was having issues with self harm and bullying, my father had died. I was cracking on with work and social life as best I can, to be bombarded with messages and pleas of “have I done something?” “Is it me?” “Are you mad at me?”
Had to politely but firmly tell them that they are not the main character in my life and I didn’t have the mental strength to be constantly reassuring them when I was feeling so sad for myself.

Friendship is not about a quota of messages you send a week/month. It's absolutely fine to have a friendship and not text every day! Or have a period when you dont contact each other. Do you need to know what she had for lunch to be friends?

I do think you sound a bit intense and maybe you have a view of what a friendship is and stick to it like way too tightly.
Maybe she is busy or doe snot have a headspace to message fequentl even if she is on her phone, or maybe she is tired of sending multiple messages just forthe sake of it.

You texted her, she replied and then you threw a strop because you wanted to hear something else. If she was on the fence about continuing the frienship you proved her right.

Have you looked back at the conversations just before she ghosted you? Were you dismissive of something she said? Did you offer unsolicited advice? Is there something she's really sensitive taking about.

Perhaps she's started filling out her life with new people she's met and is drifting away from online contacts.

I think you need to give her some space. She said she doesn't want to text. Maybe that will change in the future, but not if you keep on and on at her.

In the nicest possible way you sound a little over bearing.
She was probably finding it difficult to text so frequently, especially as you live so far away.
I would find that exhausting to be honest. Even if I did still want you as a friend.
Respect her boundaries, back off and text her much less frequently and see if she responds.
I would be texting more like once a month really, If that!

Does your friend suffer bouts of depression that you know of?
I ask because when I am having a wobble or going through a low time I put my phone away and I don't read texts. I see my phone light up and I scan the name but don't read the message until I am in the right place to reply
My phone is a trigger for anxiety and if I'm feeling down I just want to curl up and shut myself away from everyone

I wouldn't tell you to get on with life, no. I would let her know you're there if she needs to talk then give her space and check back in a fortnight
Then if she didn't reply to that check in I probably wouldn't message again