Think I've blown it with friend

This.
She has said she is trying to take more of a break from her phone. Many people are starting to realise the down sides of being constantly contactable and not living in the real world and yet you berated her for it.

I completely disagree. Not everyone wants to discuss their feelings all the time or lean on others. Sometimes just trying to carry on is the best thing you can do and I think the friend was being needy and making it about her

You aren’t listening.
min your post here you pre-framed that you only wanted to hear positive words, you push back on people saying you ‘knew’ they’d say that and most pertinently you haven’t listened to your friend: she’s taking a break from her phone.

Just give her some space. Something may have happened and she's dealing with it on her own and is having some distance while she does.

You’re implying she owes you an explanation, but she’s already given you one- you’ve just chosen not to believe it.

Kindly OP- do you suffer with low self esteem? You are coming across quite needy and intense, and putting quite a lot of pressure on this one person to fulfill a lot. Also you seem to assume she must secretly hate you rather than the more reasonable and likely explanation that she’s given you.

I would respect your friends explanation for now, and try and work on why this has caused you to react in this way.

Sometimes friendships run their course and just come to a natural end.

Maybe she has got stuff going on. Maybe you have somehow pissed her off. Maybe she is depressed. Who knows? But it might be kinder to yourself to reframe this as your friendship had a lifespan and it's coming to an end, not because of the maybes, but just because.

Like trees, like humans, like animals, things just don't last forever.

Give yourself some time to grieve. And move on. Check in with your friend occasionally. It doesn't have to be all or nothing. Be kind to yourself. Losing friends really hurts, but it's no reason to keep on wondering why and to keep trying to get it back to where it once was. That way lies madness.

You sound very intense and needy

What are your other friendships like? Are you someone who needs a certain level of communication to feel validated and liked and valued?

I wonder if your friend has simply got tired of the friendship and its requirements and unwritten rules

Move on. Leave your friend alone.

You've moved to a different country! The dynamic of your friendship has changed entirely. Long distance friendships often (usually) drift to occasional check ins then just Christmas cards. It'd be too much effort for most people, I'd think, to message every day with someone they don't see in person anymore.

Friends don’t need constant communication.

I would send her another message just saying sorry about the last one; you were feeling a bit raw as her friendship is important to you and then go on to say that you would like to check in with her from time to time and hope she does the same and that it would be sad to lose touch after so many years. Then I’d message her again in a month or 6 weeks and just keep it light.

If she doesn’t reply to either of those then I’d leave it: sad as it is for you.

I'm not sure why you don't believe her.

OP she doesn't have a problem, unfortunately you seem to be the problem. It's just too much. You can't berate her after not speaking for only one week, I have close friends I can go months without speaking to.

You want a level of contact that just isn't normal or sustainable for most people and she's done her best to let you down gently.

It doesn't sound like it's anything you've done from what you've said. It sounds more like it's something that for whatever reason your friend feels the need to do for herself. Obviously we can't tell what's going on in her head but it could be that she's texting everyone less.

I hate playing message hockey. I prefer to talk to people.

This exact thing happened to me except my friendship was going for nearly 35 years- we met at uni.
There was a ten year gap after she behaved atrociously but she got back in touch and we picked up where we left off.
I was literally going to post about her myself. We used to chat every time her partner was out- he's awful but she won't ever leave him so we accept it- but then her texts stopped.
Or they were v generic. I asked if she was free for a chat and she ignored- that was back in July.
I've toyed with sending an 'I get the message' text.
Before you all say oh her partner must be abusive well, she's managing to go to lots of concerts and events with other friends.
She's in a different city btw. When my dad passed away she had her phone off for a full week so I couldn't talk to her.
Now I've just accepted she's got some mental issues and they are nothing to do with me.
So my advice is don't take it personally it's her not you

I think it's fine to notice that the pattern of messaging has changed in a long standing friendship. I also think that, in that close friendship, its fine to communicate that you've noticed a change and is everything OK? But that's not the same as asking "What have I done?"

I don't think it's appropriate to send an aggressive (passive or otherewse) response if you don't like what they say.

No one here is ‘second guessing’, only pointing out that you are coming across on here as intense and somewhat aggressive in your communication. And, for whatever reason, your previous communication patterns in the friendship aren’t working for her at the moment. I don’t think that bombarding her with ‘What have I done?’ texts is going to help. Accept that she currently wants less contact, stop going through past communications looking for reasons she ‘owes’ you a certain amount of communication, and find other friends where you live. Having all your eggs in one basket socially is never good.

But that sounds like a lot of texting. And that's just with one person. You don't know how many others she chatted with throughout the day. Being on your phone really can take over a large percentage of the day.

For all you know she's a MNetter who has realised she posting from morning til night and decided enough is enough and it's time to put the phone down.

Of course friendship isnt about a quota of messages. However, I think people are being a little harsh here- whenever anyone asks what to do when they are ghosted by a friend, most of the suggestions are- reach out and politely and honestly and ask what's wrong, so now OP has done that, thats wrong too?

Also, if the friend was texting the OP daily or every day or two herself then how is the OP to suddenly know she doesnt want that any more- she's not a mind reader!

Yes, its true people sometimes need space and that should be respected but mature people would communicate that with others so they know- it takes 30 seconds to send a text saying you need a bit of space as you have stuff to deal with.

I also think her "I'm detoxing from my phone but you can check in with me" is a confusing and weird message to send- WTF does that mean? does that mean she wants OP to check on her but she doesnt care to reciprocate- its a very ambiguous message to send.

OP- I would step right back now. Stop contacting her and leave the ball in her court. She might be fading you out, we just dont know, but dont chase someone who isnt putting in the effort to check in with you either. Friendship should be reciprocal, regardless of whether you are texting every week or every few months.

Nope they knew, and we spoke about it. They are just having to battle their own demons of anxiety and inferiority and they have since admitted that my saying what I said helped them enormously in their own self awareness.

Would you say you have supported her more than she has supported you? Was the dynamic of your relationship based on mainly you helping her with her problems?

I'd try and zoom out and examine the friendship to see how two way it was because I'd it was you mainly solving her problems and supporting her, that's not a true friendship. And she may have someone local that now fills that role.
It's harsh and hurts when you see it for what it has been but might help you let go and move on.

That sounds very intense and like a lot of contact to me though.

And people aren't 'second guessing', they're giving possible explanations from their own experiences that might explain her behaviours or asking you to reflect on recent interactions that might give you your own insight.

No one here is her or knows her so they can't reassure you with, "Oh, it's OK. This and that happened and she's being honest about taking a break from using her phone in the evenings. She still really likes you."

I'm not sure what you expected from a thread.

I'm afraid I agree with this.

Can't help having these thoughts that she just doesn't like me any more for whatever reason.

Maybe that's true. But maybe she's just enjoying not having to text every day.

Maybe she doesn't have an interest in maintaining a friendship with someone overseas with whom she no longer feels.as close to.

It's like any relationship, people.can choose to end it at any time for any reason.