Think I've blown it with friend

Have you made friends in your new location?

You aren't really taking in people's responses here. You seem to be listing all the things you have done for her as proof that she should stay in touch. I have some really old friends that I barely text with, if they were to get arsy about the level of communication I would be questioning if their friendship is worth it.

When people have a lot going on they don't feel like having to reassure their friends all the time. My best friend in the world lives in another country. Sometimes she doesn't respond for months! I don't mind, I know we don't always have the bandwidth. I'm secure enough in my friendship to know that. There's no chance we would get annoyed at each other over that.

You are saying you aren't too intense year you want to print out your conversation and you are listing all her secrets on here from private conversations. What are you trying to prove?

I agree. One of my closest friends moved country and we now keep in touch by sending birthday and christmas cards, I usually put a wee letter in updating on any big events and vice versa (I don't do FB, Insta, Snap etc). I love getting cards from her. We're not technically friends anymore (purely due to the distance) but we still care about each other, and cherish the friendship we had.

Ok - I think you need to chill - you don't know what is going on in her life.

Maybe she is detoxing, maybe there is something else (health scare, menopause who knows). Message and apologise for your last one and leave it for a bit. Are you visiting soon?

I also disagree that other people owe you an explanation.

If you're going though something you often don’t have the bandwidth for other relationships.

Or maybe she wants to be your friend but isn’t comfortable with the current level of communication.

In these situations it’s often better to just leave things a while and get back in touch when you’re in a better headspace and pick up where you left off - no need for a dramatic fall out or big explanation.

Things have changed, you’ve asked her why and she’s answered.

Now you need to give her space and try a light message/picture in a month or two and see how things go.

If she doesn’t want to continue the friendship, or continue it in the same way, it will be hurtful but you have to accept that.

Sending nasty messages is not the way to get someone to be your friend.

I don't think I would be able to keep up with a long-distance friendship for that amount of time and intensity either, unless we had very specific interests in common that meant a naturally ongoing conversation. Liking the other person only brings you so far in texting each other without sufficient events to replenish the friendship. Not to mention life is exhausting even before the need to text!

I don't think that means she's grey rocking you (as also proven by the fact that she did answer when you were distressed), I think maintaining the texting sounds tedious and not like a positive experience (regardless of how much I'd like the friend).

You said you've posted before about it, so it sounds as though the drifting has been organic rather than sudden.
The language she's used about 'checking in' is her way of gently letting you know the vibe has changed for her - she's perhaps been trying to let it drift for a long time, but you've not realised/accepted it.
Long distance relationships and friendships are very difficult to maintain, it seems likely that the drift is down to the distance (rather than you personally).

I remember your other post, I think. You said you cried in the car after a longer than usual silence, but what I remember was how aggressive your tone was — either your friend wasn’t messaging or she was replying to you, but doing it ‘wrong’ by talking about the weather, or something? Wouldn’t it just be easier and healthier to acknowledge that there’s probably no ‘secret reason’, that people change over time, and their needs and communication patterns change too? Bluntly, it’s not her fault you’re overly reliant on these messages because you have struggled with friendships in your new location. See this as a wake-up call to get yourself out there doing something you enjoy, where you may meet people you like.

I think this is unfair of Autumn - you don’t have to share difficult parts of your life because it’s a “real friend”. Everyone handles things differently and some people like to handle things themselves/with family. I had a similar fall out with a friend who couldn’t give me space for five minutes when I was having a tricky time because she still wanted help in a (self-imposed) situation. She blew up at me for not asking her for help (why would I want help from someone who always needs my help?) and for dealing with the issue myself. Some people just can’t accept that they aren’t the most important person in your life.

I had the experience of being ghosted by a once dear friend of 20 years and it was bith painful and baffling. We didn't live near by but she often came my way on business and popped in for a cuppa afterwards every time, without fail.

Then one time I saw that she'd stayed in my home city on a recreational break foe a few days and hadn't even got in touch ( but plastered it all over facebook)

It was honestly like a switch had flipped and a few months later we had a fall out and I never saw her again. Never did get to the bottom of it, despite asking.

It's a horrible thong to go through. You have my sympathy.

She's said she's having a detox from her phone, which is probably unrelated to you. And you've said 'friendship can't exist without texting' which is total BS anyway, of course it can. But clearly that's not the issue here. She's likely having some sort of her own stress that she didn't want to share with you, or the friendship has reached a natural end. Maybe she will be back in contact in a week or so when the fog has cleared. It'd be a shame to loose a long friendship over one bout of quietness.

4 years is a long time to keep up a friendship when there is little more than text messaging happening.

I've recently let a couple of friendships drift because our communications ended up being just an annual catch up of each other's lives. We don't see each other outside of these catch ups, we don't have shared experiences and our catch ups just became what have you been up to? What are your kids up to now? Type conversations. We had nothing new in our friendships to build on.

There was no fall out and no one dislikes anyone but the closeness we once shared is gone. Its just changing circumstances and life rolling on.

Some people are a bit out of sight out of mind when a friend moves away and they can't see each other in person very much.

It's great that you've stayed in touch after 4 years and it doesn't sound like she wants to lose touch altogether. I get being disappointed though especially if you're lonely.

When you move overseas friendships do tend to be much harder to maintain and more likely to die off.

Personally, I hate texting. I find it time consuming and tedious. If she's trying to cut down, I can understand why she's not texting so much. What about picking up the phone and calling? Or emailing? If I can use a keyboard rather than phone keypad, I'm much more likely to reply. Maybe your friend feels the same?

How often have you saw her in person during that time?