Think I've blown it with friend

OP, you are being very intense- both in your interaction with her and your reaction to the latest message.

Has she actually blocked you or has she just not read it yet? If she is indeed taking a step back from messaging anyone then she could have just turned her notifications off or set her phone on Do Not Disturb.

OP you need to stop insisting she hates you. Why on earth would she "hate you"?. Thats a very strong emotional reaction usually reserved for those people who have cheated with our partners or stolen money from us etc

We all feel annoyance sometimes but hating someone is a whole other level of emotional effort that most people dont have the energy to expend unless that person has done something truly horrific to them.

She doesn't hate you, I suspect it's far more that she just cant be bothered. I dont think she is dwelling on you as much as you imagine she is. You are far less important to her than that. I dont mean that unkindly, but it is irrational to assume flat out hatred when the most likely explanation is, she just cant be arsed to keep the friendship going.

Huh?

You can check in on her.

So that's nice for you 😆

I'd leave it, you've expressed your side and tbh it just sounds like there is now only your side.

Hard I know but don't doubt yourself.

Xx

It happens and it’s hurtful. Often you never find out why. Maybe she found you a bit intense/needy? But honestly it could be anything.

To you it's not bombardment. But to her, it is. She tried to step back from her phone a bit but you kept on pushing it.

I'm going through something similar. I'm extremely stressed snd overwhelmed with life at the moment. I have a friend who messages a LOT. Every single day, numerous times a day. And sometimes, when I'm not overly busy, it's fine. But it isn't sustainable all the time. I had managed to step back and get messages down a little but then she was going through a tough time so I felt somewhat obliged to be in more contact than I was comfortable with. However at the moment, I'm stressed. Very stressed. There aren't any changes in my life, I'm just overwhelmed with everything in general. I've tried pulling back a little, spacing out the time between replies here and there. But the hint isn't being taken. I have said to her that I'm stressed so won't be in touch as much, but the texts have now changed to "are you OK?". Daily. Her explanation is that she's worried about me so just checking I'm OK and can't rest until she knows I'm OK. It's making my stress levels so much worse and feels like a bombardment.

Well that's strange, OP, and if it is indeed ghosting it's cruel too. But, as we can't know really what goes through her mind, let's assume "the best": maybe she's having some kind of crisis and she is indeed reconsidering her lifestyle re the use of phone, maybe she's not in the best place mentally to deal with anybody. As you don't live close by, even if you texted on an almost daily basis, it would be easier to miss (on your part) or omit (on hers) any major change/crisis she could have been living.
In any case, I think you have to make peace with it: it's not about you, it's about her. If she ever wants to reach you again, you'll be there. Meanwhile, grief and introspect, but don't blame yourself!

I'm not surprised to be honest. She told you more than once and you just kept going on and then exploded on her.

You said earlier that you noticed it was always you initiating conversations lately and then in a later post said it was both of you. I think you might be rewriting things in your mind to suit your narrative, it's not really healthy.

Unfortunately you moved to another country and your friendships were going to change or end, that's part of moving away. Try to focus on building new friendships in your new home and learning from the way you behaved towards her.

Read through some of these replies and try to take the advice onboard instead of just dismissing it.

Hello. It’s difficult to figure what exactly might be going on here but I understand why you are feeling hurt. Just a couple of thoughts.
Your friend did reply to you immediately to reassure you that it wasn’t you and gave a reason. The reason re detox of her phone in the evening sounds plausible. If this is the reason then it sounds like she’s maybe feeling stressed/anxious/depressed and phone use in the evening isn’t helping. The fact she may go out sometimes with other friends doesn’t change that. I have felt like this and by the time I get to an evening at home I feel like I have nothing more to give and want to decompress. I don’t want to talk about my own stresses because I want to try not think about them and just any kind of social interaction can feel hard. In my friendship group, we all have different pressures and we fade in and out as we need to and understand it’s not personal. You mentioned she said you could check in on her, maybe that’s because she needs someone to check in on her? And she’s trying to say she doesn’t want to cut contact, just change it. You also mentioned that you have found it hard to make new friends where you are which maybe puts a lot of pressure on her. I think perhaps message her and apologise for reacting angrily and say you care for her and are here for her if she needs you and then check in in a months time. All the best.

I agree with this, OP, but with a little twist: for your peace of mind, if you want to, you could reach out to her with a conciliatory message, letting her know you're still there if she wants to talk. And then, step back and reflect and assess the situation.
I'm sorry you're going through this, it is tough 🙏💐

Ah well now you know. Its a shame this has happened but the main thing here is not to get obsessed with this or ruminate about it as a reflection on you.

Hold this lightly, dont make it into a heavy burden you carry around. You cant control what she does but you can control how you react to it.

I love this video from Mel Robbins on the "let them" theory, its liberating AF:

You keep repeating this. It doesn’t matter what past patterns of communication were like! She’s very clearly communicated that she doesn’t want to do that any more. Either you accept that or you don’t, and of course you get to be sad about it, privately, but she’s made her position clear. What comes across over and over again in your posts are two things — (1) you’re overly reliant on this friendship and (2) you feel that she ‘owes’ you to continue the same level of communication as in the past, because you were there for her.

Obviously feel sad, and sit with those feelings. But translating them into passive-aggressive ‘I get the message’ texts will get you nowhere. You need to be less reliant on this one friendship. Bluntly, it would be hard for any long distance, text-based friendship to give you the level of support you clearly feel you will require when your parents die. You need to branch out a bit.

In your shoes I would briefly apologise for your last text and say you accept her preference for being on her phone less, and you’ll be in touch. Then leave it for at least a couple of weeks, and don’t just text ‘How are you?’ Say something about what’s going on in your life.

I’m not sure about a ‘right’ to do anything, but I don’t see why the OP can’t send a message showing her frustration if she wants. She absolutely can! She just has to realise (as she has) that it might shut the door on the friendship for good.

OP, there seem to be ALOT of people on this thread telling you you’re needy and too intense, texting too much etc — because that’s not what THEY do. The thing I think they’re missing is that this is what your friendship was like, on both sides, for four years. She’s suddenly, and without warning or real explanation, changed the rules. She’s obviously entitled to do that (just as you’re ‘allowed’ to be upset and blindsided by it), but of course you’re going to find it hard. She’s effectively (almost) ghosted you. I’m afraid I don’t have any words of wisdom but just wanted to say I get it, and I’m sorry. It’s tough. X

I think most friendships are built on proximity and familiarity. While you have moved away and struggled to make friends, she has probably gone on to establish friendships which are face to face and more socially satisfying. It's just one of those things.

Don't overthink it; life goes on. Many people are trying to keep off the phone, leaving WhatsApp and stuff like that.

If the friendship is meant to endure, it will!

You did well.maintaining it for.4 years. But be real,.you never ever see each other, it is not a real friendship. You need to start doing clubs and get to.know others, it may take a while but you'll find your friends. You'll never find them.if you stay in and keep messaging your old friend. Take it as a sign that you need.to get out more. I wish you all the best and hope you find your group.

This.

She doesn't get to call all the shots, if you think the friendship has become one sided you can do what's right for you and back off.

Unfortunately both people have to want a friendship for it to work and it sounds like she doesn't, or not to the same extent as previously.

Friendships are ( mostly) ephemeral in my experience. Even after many years.

I agree. If she's so important it's worth trying to save the friendship.

The thing is you can't change either your friends personality or any decisions she might have made for her own life. If she's decided that virtual friendships don't fulfill her and she needs to spend less time on her phone and more time elsewhere you can't change that. All you can do is grieve what you once had, if you feel the need to, and try to adapt to the reality of the new situation.

You've no right to send her annoyed messages, but you DO have every right to feel sad about the situation. Don't beat yourself up about that. You could message and apologise for being short with her, and say that yes you'd like to check in with her now and again.

OP friendships don't all last forever. Some just run their course then wither away.

Sounds like your final message has definitely closed it down permanently so you need to let it go now.