For still being shy and socially awkward as a middle aged woman?

This is interesting to read. I’m the opposite and just talk non-stop when at events, I find it recharges my batteries to socialise and mingle. It’s made me think a bit more about how to include my colleagues who are quieter - I figured they like being quiet but perhaps they’re not sure how to join in the conversation. I will be taking this on board anyway, thanks for sharing and hope you find some advice in here.

@DracunculusVulgaris lovely word- gallimaufry! Nice to see it in the wild.

I think just sneaking off without saying goodbye is called a French exit and it’s
perfectly normal and not considered rude. People would just say “oh x has disappeared” and carry on chatting.

I went to a social gathering linked to my job last week. People were spread over 3 tables. There was an ending time but the three other people who were on my table all left more than half an hour before this. I had been enjoying chatting but once they left I looked at the people on the other two tables and didn't want to 'inflict myself' on them in case it seemed weird that I should randomly plonk myself at another table and insist I join in with their conversations. So I just went home. I didn't even say goodbye. I'm 42. I think I generally give the impression of being friendly and confident but inside I'm shy and overthink everything!

Avoiding anything that makes you slightly uncomfortable is hardly a long term solution is it? Nor is it healthy.

With anxiety it only makes things worse because at some point you're still going to have to do something similar and if you've avoided doing anything the tiniest bit out of your comfort zone at all it's going to stress you out going from 0 to 100. Like anything else confidence and social interaction is like a muscle/exercise - the more you do it the easier it becomes. If you've stopped yourself from doing something as comparatively easy as an hour having lunch with 6 people you know well, when your employer sends you to a conference to liaise with complete strangers or to deliver training or you start a new job it's going to seem absolutely terrifying and impossible.

As someone with anxiety the only way to improve is to do it more often not less! Try to get out of your head - looking back on the conversation did you notice how much other people were speaking or not? I doubt it, so it's very unlikely any of them thought the same about you. In almost all group situations there's are some people who speak more and some who speak less. It is very very unlikely your colleagues have thought anything about the lunch at all, than "that was nice ugh now back to emails" let alone analysing every comment you made.

The absolute worst that could happen is that you did make a joke that didn't land or talked about something someone else didn't find interesting - and so what? I'm sure you've been in a situation where a friend or family member launched into a monologue about their holiday and you nodded politely but inside were thinking "I don't care" - it didn't mean you stopped liking that person or your relationship was ruined because of one boring or awkward conversation!

I'm the same. Amazing in work settings. You'd never put me down as an anxious person. Great on the phone, interviews meetings etc.

Put me in a pub or restaurant with the very same colleagues I'm exactly as you describe.

It's like when I'm working I'm method acting in work mode. There's a purpose and socialising is a side effect, if that makes sense? When the main purpose is to socialise I just fall apart.

This is me @Rosetintedwineglass.
I am absolutely fine 1-on-1 (with rare exceptions), fine in work meetings, fine to sing in front of hundreds of people (those last 2 I think being because I am “performing” rather than being me). But even a group of three friends can send my social anxiety through the roof. I don’t know what to say (freshers week at Uni was hell - I just had a little voice in my head constantly saying “say something, ask a question!” but I just couldn’t), and I’m extremely aware of my own awkwardness.
The Susan Cain book was great, because it helped me understand there is nothing wrong with being an introvert! I strongly suspect I am autistic - my DS is diagnosed and we are very very similar.
I now permit myself not to do social things that cause me stress - sometimes I’m sad about that because I feel I am missing out. Sometimes I will still go, but mostly, I am kinder to myself.
You are not alone!

ADHD can certainly lead to a lot of self doubt and agonising over how you come across socially. Have you heard of rejection sensitive dysphoria?

I’m the same.

Ironically. I’ve an always worked in a customer-facing environment, and can quite happily talk to customers, patients, lecturers, students etc(and probably look quite confident), but as soon as I’m in a party situation, I clam up.

I'm like this. I am also autistic. I'm not sure it's exclusive to autists though. I'd say:

• It's not your sole job to carry the conversation. Sometimes there may be quiet periods, that's fine.
• If events like this burn your social battery, think carefully before agreeing to them, or plan the rest of your day week with enough quieter times to recover.
• If you find yourself with people who you're not sure how to engage with, think in advance about something you can ask them about themselves. Usually sets them off talking again.

Have a look into bisoprolol tablets for anxiety causing events. Interesting reading.

Or you could work on changing it. What you are describing doesn’t sound like anything innate.

I can definitely relate, OP. Honestly - it does get better simply because you just care less as you get older about how others see you.

I think, if you find your tribe, it's much easier - and that's all very well but work situations don't always allow that. My advice is - just focus on being professional, friendly but not gushing, approachable but not 'bubbly' (ugh - personally I run a mile from bubbly people). Don't stress about trying to be waht you're not - don't feel you have to be the person others want you to be. There are enough loud, uninhibited extroverts in the world. People will respect you for being true to yourself.

I'm totally at ease now but that's because I'm freer now to choose whom I socialise or work with. If put into any old scenario I'd probably feel just like you!

Same, @leafybrew Giving zero fucks is such an underrated life skill.

I get so anxious in work meetings and group get togethers that I go the opposite way and talk a lot. When a question is asked and there’s that pause of silence whilst other people look like they want the floor to swallow them up, is excruciating so I have to fill it because I then feel sorry for the person asking the question, getting no response from their colleagues!
I’ve also had to admit to colleagues when they’ve praised me for being outgoing and participating well that it’s all an illusion and inside I’m dying because I don’t want them to think that I think I’m all Billy big nuts

I much prefer being out with quiet people who listen to others speaking and ask interested questions. My real bugbear are those people who take over every single conversation and if they are not in it then start getting their phone out to show photos of kids, pets, garden etc etc and really stop the flow for other people.
I would say keep doing what you are doing and just try and relax and enjoy without putting pressure on yourself to be “fun”. Nobody will be thinking how you have acted.

I also loved the Susan Cain book.

I was exactly the same (retired now). Found work socialising very difficult. Thete were so many occasions I really wanted to say something but found it really difficult to make myself heard. And there were always certain colleagues that if they started talking, everyone else stopped talking and listened.

I feel exactly the same OP. @DracunculusVulgaris has made some excellent points and have have added the book to my reading list. I definitely need to read it! Got a few social events coming up over the next few months and really not looking forward to them for this reason.