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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to think my husband is blaming me for his erectile dysfunction?

84 replies

PeachSwan · 16/10/2024 21:18

I don’t know what to think anymore, and I’m feeling completely torn. My husband has been having issues with maintaining an erection for the last few months. At first, I tried to be supportive and understanding, but lately, his attitude is really starting to upset me. Whenever it happens, he just laughs it off, but not in a self-deprecating way. Instead, he makes comments that feel like they’re aimed at me.

He’ll say things like, “Have you showered today?” or “Maybe you should see a doctor, you smell down there.” Or when we’re in bed, he’ll casually mention, “Your recent weight gain is really noticeable, those stomach rolls are visible now.” I’ve put on a little weight, but I didn’t think it was enough to be such a big deal.

Now I’m stuck wondering if he’s deflecting and trying to blame me for his problem, or if he’s genuinely lost attraction because of the weight gain and hygiene comments. I’ve never had issues with smell before, so this feels like a sudden, convenient excuse for him. AIBU to think he’s just passing the blame for his erectile dysfunction onto me, or is there something deeper going on that I’m not seeing?

OP posts:
Wherehasallthetimegone · 16/10/2024 21:45

I don't know why you would ever want to have sex with such an unpleasant man who thinks it's acceptable to say things like that to you.
And you say he has cheated on you in the past? I agree with pp who suggest he is doing that again, otherwise surely he would go to the GP about HIS problem - it is HIS problem, nothing to do with you or your body.
I wouldn't want to stay in a marriage with someone who had so little respect for me.

PeachSwan · 16/10/2024 21:44

Whatisthisifound · 16/10/2024 21:37

Oh no, sorry to hear that.

id suggest he’s cheating again.

how can you bear to have sex with this grim bloke

Sorry. Its a bit more complicated I shouldn't have said he cheated in the way I did without context.

OP posts:
offyoujollywelltrot · 16/10/2024 21:42

PeachSwan · 16/10/2024 21:35

We have 3 kids. He has cheated before.

Jesus Christ, why are you still with this useless excuse for a man?

Whatisthisifound · 16/10/2024 21:37

Oh no, sorry to hear that.

id suggest he’s cheating again.

how can you bear to have sex with this grim bloke

PeachSwan · 16/10/2024 21:35

Whatisthisifound · 16/10/2024 21:34

He’ll say things like, “Have you showered today?” or “Maybe you should see a doctor, you smell down there.” Or when we’re in bed, he’ll casually mention, “Your recent weight gain is really noticeable, those stomach rolls are visible now.”

This is just appalling. If you have no kids, you could consider immediately getting rid of him. Could he be having an affair?

We have 3 kids. He has cheated before.

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Elizo · 16/10/2024 21:35

He sounds awful. It will destroy your confidence.

PeachSwan · 16/10/2024 21:34

offyoujollywelltrot · 16/10/2024 21:30

Even if he wasn't having Erectile issues, are you really going to let him speak to you like that?!

He didn't say it an aggressive tone he tried to laugh it off almost and console me by saying it's okay that he can work through MY ISSUES and it will all be alright in the end.
To be honest I feel like that's even worse.

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AgathaMystery · 16/10/2024 21:34

32 is very very young for ED. I’d be concerned about his BP, diabetes, high cholesterol.

That’s all fixable though. His attitude towards you is not. I don’t think I could forgive him for the way he is speaking to you OP.

I think I’d leave him and when people asked why (& they will, I promise), I’d say, super breezily, ‘oh he couldn’t get an erection and blamed it on me’

Whatisthisifound · 16/10/2024 21:34

He’ll say things like, “Have you showered today?” or “Maybe you should see a doctor, you smell down there.” Or when we’re in bed, he’ll casually mention, “Your recent weight gain is really noticeable, those stomach rolls are visible now.”

This is just appalling. If you have no kids, you could consider immediately getting rid of him. Could he be having an affair?

AdoraBell · 16/10/2024 21:32

Tell him he urgently needs an attitude transplant.

Crazyeight · 16/10/2024 21:31

Are you TTC? The pressure of that can cause it.

I would bin him if you are though, imagine what he will be like with a post-partum partner. An absolute cunt by the sounds of it!

Sapphire387 · 16/10/2024 21:31

32?! That's very young to have ED. He really ought to see the GP.

He's being very nasty deflecting this on to you. Believe me, you're not the problem. He's just trying to bring you down because he feels bad about himself. An awful character trait.

offyoujollywelltrot · 16/10/2024 21:30

Even if he wasn't having Erectile issues, are you really going to let him speak to you like that?!

Yvawn · 16/10/2024 21:30

Those comments are horrible. LTB.

Nogaxeh · 16/10/2024 21:29

He's obviously upset about it, not unreasonably, but instead of being able to share his emotions with you he's lashing out. It's incredibly horrible of him.

There could be any one, or several, of many possible reasons for his erectile issues and being vile to you isn't going to help fix them.

I'm so sorry that he's been so weak as to react that way.

Lyannaa · 16/10/2024 21:29

Cosycover · 16/10/2024 21:26

Tell him and and his wee floppy willy to get to fuck.

This ^^

WolfFoxHare · 16/10/2024 21:28

Stormyweatheroutthere · 16/10/2024 21:26

Few reasons at his age...
Drugs.
Alcohol.
Antidepressants..

Or he is simply a useless twat.
No reason that would imply you are at fault at all though...

I think prostate cancer can cause impotence too.

DilettanteMum · 16/10/2024 21:28

He definitely is deflecting

Hankunamatata · 16/10/2024 21:27

Wow. Give him short shrift and tell him to sleep elsewhere

PeachSwan · 16/10/2024 21:27

Stormyweatheroutthere · 16/10/2024 21:26

Few reasons at his age...
Drugs.
Alcohol.
Antidepressants..

Or he is simply a useless twat.
No reason that would imply you are at fault at all though...

No to all 3.

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WolfFoxHare · 16/10/2024 21:27

PeachSwan · 16/10/2024 21:23

No imo he sort of denies there is a problem

Next time he says you should see the GP, turn it round on him.

Cosycover · 16/10/2024 21:26

Tell him and and his wee floppy willy to get to fuck.

Stormyweatheroutthere · 16/10/2024 21:26

Tbh I would be tempted to laugh at him next time.
And make plans for a life without him in it.

Stormyweatheroutthere · 16/10/2024 21:26

Few reasons at his age...
Drugs.
Alcohol.
Antidepressants..

Or he is simply a useless twat.
No reason that would imply you are at fault at all though...

PeachSwan · 16/10/2024 21:25

DinosaurMunch · 16/10/2024 21:24

Has he got a porn addiction?

He sounds grim anyway

No I don't believe so

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