Friend with money, AIBU?

Yes, and OP's friend will feel great that her other friends seem to be pulling away too, especially when she is grieving.

No need to say anything about wasting money... if childcare is the issue then that should be all that is mentioned.

YABU
She is paying off her mortgage, and that is sensible. Nothing wrong with getting a new car either. What she does with the rest is up to her.
You are free to not take up her offer of a free holiday, but she will most likely go right ahead without you anyway.
Also, she has just lost her DH and is grieving. A group holiday with her mates might be her way of coping.

This really, and I would politely decline the offer of the holiday on the basis of childcare.
FWIW at least she's had the sense to pay off the mortgage, that shows some sense at least.

Hi op,

Get down from your financial horse lol
No, I understand how it makes you feel…”If you had this money” you would… but that is the thing. It is her. Not you.
So please, let her decide what she wants to do. Do not give unwanted advices and enjoy the holiday with your friend if you want to go.

Money does change relationship so just outweigh this and that and decide if you want to go or not.

Good luck 🌺

I would do this too. Shame on the other 'friends' who are using her like this. You are a good person op. You can't change her mind but at least you are not part of her bad decisions.

Say it on the group chat that you don’t think it’s right she’s wasting her money paying for all of you when it should be for her living expenses. This might guilt the other friends into declining too.

If she invests the money sensibly she could keep pace with inflation and harvest £3k a year for a nice holiday.

Just sharing basic financial planning like this might make her realise. If she has always been bad with money, as you said, then education is surely the best way to support her. That, and encouraging her to see an independent financial advisor.

Does she work?

Quite

She’s probably going to spend the money either way. You going isn’t going to make a difference.
in fact, she may just invite someone else.

Also do factor in the fact that she’s grieving.

I'd feel uncomfortable someone paying for me to go away on holiday with them, even if they were a millionaire. It would affect the dynamic!

If she invests the money sensibly she could keep pace with inflation and harvest £3k a year for a nice holiday.

It sounds like she won't, though.

It's probably best to make some helpful suggestions upfront and then keep your distance as she ignores you and blows through the money.

From the point of view of somebody who's partner died - I think you are underestimating her. I absolutely understand your concerns, and that they come from a good place, but you need to let her do this without making her feel bad about it. She has just lost her husband, presumably at a relatively young age. It does force it home to you that tomorrow isn't promised to any of us. She's not being reckless. She is doing something that will more than likely give her a lot of comfort, at what is probably the hardest time in her life. More than likely feeling that the best way to ensure her friends are able to attend is to pay for it. That's not a bad thing. How would you feel if you persuaded her not to do this and then she passed away suddenly? She is making sensible decisions too, she's not wasting all the money, but she is allowed to enjoy it.

As a compromise perhaps she could pay for a villa and the people she invites pay their own flights . Kitty for food etc. Can you get any childcare at all .DH any days AL left ? It would be nice to do .

she doesn't want my child coming

I get that, she wants a child-free get-away.

As a solo working mum no way could I go, or be able to pay/get anyone to take care of my child.

Honestly OP, save your money for you and your child. You never know what's around the corner.

Sounds like spending is her vice / coping mechanism. If so, its bound to escalate with grief. Could you have a low key night or w/e away together, just the two of you, instead? Cut her a bit of slack. I hope at some point your friend realises, what a true friend you are. Ultimately though like any 'vice' the ball's in her court 💐

So she could maybe go away with her child free friends? Why not agree to a spa /pamper weekend. Its all very well saying you'll go next year, but she probably needs the distraction and support now.
You could sell it to her that if you all like the pamper weekend you could make it a regular outing.

I seem to be disagreeing with everyone here!

I think it's a lovely thing she's doing, and I'd do the same if I had the money. I recently sold a house after divorce - after paying off debt, buying a new place etc I paid for 6 friends flights to come away for my 40th. I'll never have the money to treat them again and I love them all very much - it felt good to treat my friends who have supported me so much.

Also, if she did invite children it would cost her even more to go away in term time. Let her be I say.

You're doing the right thing out of kindness love and respect for her friend and her money. Hopefully other friends would respectfully decline too?

I agree. I’d hate it if my friends stood by as I made a terrible mistake especially during a time of great mental stress when I may not be thinking things through.

In fact once I’d been through the situation and assessed, I’d probably distance myself from any so called friends who were content with keeping quiet as I drove over a cliff.

I always support my friends, this involves sometimes having to tell them things they don’t want to hear at the time.

At most you could try suggesting that she speaks to a financial advisor (I think it's general advice not to make any big decisions in the year after a bereavement, but maybe that's passed if it took time to receive the money) but only once and being careful about tone/wording, and then back off and let her live her life.
You can refuse the trip based on the term time travel - maybe suggest another activity day for the 2 of you like a girls' spa day? It's not ungrateful if you said thank you and that you appreciate her wanting to share it with you, so just explain you are grateful, the trip doesn't work but you do want to spend time together and support her and you're happy to pay for yourself.

I wouldn’t feel comfortable accepting this. Agree with PP that it’s fine to come back with another suggestion eg could you all go away for a weekend and pay for yourselves? I suspect the whole group will feel the same tbh.

How so? You don’t know what condition her current one is in and she may rely on it for various reasons?