Friend with money, AIBU?

Completely within your rights to refuse because of the kids, but nothing to do with you how she spends her money.

She probably wants a blow out/relaxing week after the death of her husband so not wanting your kids there is understandable. You not being able to go is understandable too. She is probably calling you ungrateful because she’s hurting and lashing out. Grief is unique to us all

It think that given she is mortgage free, with a new car and presumably no other debt, and she doesn’t have children to have to consider educational expenses or inheritance that she isn’t actually being reckless by offering to take her friends on holiday. Presumably those friends have supported her during what must have been, and still is, an awful time in her life.

To have an income of £30/35k, even allowing for tax, when you have minimal outgoings isn’t someone in a situation that others need to try to have any input with. It’s also quite possible she will inherit her late husband’s pension.

Hello OP
Its lovely that you are concerned for your friend
All your concerns are valid
You highlight that she has had issues with getting into debt previously and has been bailed out.
150K is not a lot of money when she has already decided to spend it on cars and holidays for friends, it could be spent very quickly and easily.
I'm a very finacially frugal person and sadly I am increasingly seeing friends and family in a finacial mess in their 50's due to poor financial planning and management.
Can you explain to your friend that you just want her to be financially secure as she gets older. Can you suggest that she sees a finacial advisor, all the banks have them and will be very happy to advise and help her invest some of the money into ISA's etc
Also if its not instantly available the "vultures" will be put off.
Your situation brings to mind all the lottery winners who end up bankrupt after a few years.
I remember also being concerned about someones financial and mortgage situation. An older family member said to me, no matter how much you give them it will never be enough.
Good Luck OP I do feel your pain.

You say you want,
She's a grown adult, her choices might not be what you'd agree with, but her choices.
She probably wants to enjoy time with and spoil her friends.
So just be there for her, if youd like to go away, arrange the time off.
And if she's a home owner, with a mortage, she would have to have life assurance, which would cover the remaining mortage on death.

Perhaps suggest she meets with a financial adviser so hopefully the bulk of the cash ends up locked into savings.

It is probably the case that she wants it to be child free- nowt wrong with that. It nothing to do with your child. if this is her usual pattern then unlikely to change. I would not feel comfortable a friend paying for me either. How do the others feel? You have no control how she spends her money.

You are a very caring friend. Your phrase vultures circling round her is sadly very believable.

When my sister was widowed she decided on a new kitchen and bathroom, she went complete top dollar on both. I did suggest that it may not be the best idea, she took zero notice and I also think it was her way of coping with his death. She ended up selling 18 months later and downsizing after it was done and had a few very lean years.

Your friend is clearly grieving and this windfall may have helped her pay off her mortgage but it’s already causing trouble.
Of course she can invite you on holiday and offer to pay. It’s always absolutely fine that you say no thanks.
It shouldn’t affect your friendship.
She already knows she’s not ‘great’ with money and is taking this situation personally.
You can offer as much advice as you want about investments etc but these behaviours aren’t rational, Anyone who behaves like this with money it is not about being ‘bad’ with money it’s an emotional response. It is their issue alone to deal with.
Let her have her holiday and let her know you are there for her when she gets back.
If she responses negatively again then give her some space.
So many people write on here that they come into money and friends then ask them for funds. You are doing the exact opposite and it’s caused offence. Which means money and friendships can be tough.
Let her grieve and let yourself breathe.

So all the friends are just leaving their kids?I wouldn’t go if I were you.Nothing you can do to help her save money though, she either will or won’t.

I have my own experience in this.
I’ve got widowed a few years ago, just before Covid , at the age of 30.
Husband passed way suddenly , he was 32.

With the money I’ve got , I paid off the mortgage ( life insurance ). But I also got some death in benefit payments from hubby’s work.

5 months after his death , went on a holiday with some friends. I paid for their flights , but we all shared the hotel costs. Everyone booked a hotel room which they wanted / could afford.

It was a good trip , just to get away from reality. Don’t get me wrong I was still grieving. But was good to spend time with friends.

But when I got back , I heard so many gossips , stating I’m not grieving , I’m happy dancing and just wasting money , not wearing black etc etc.

I don’t know if your friend will burn through the money or not. But losing a husband / wife / partner is hard and everyone deals with it differently.

Maybe suggest it to her to go and see a financial advisor to plan something with her money ? What could bring some money in year after year ?

She's being sensible and paying off mortgage and can't blame for for wanting a splurge and treat her friends. She's an adult, all you can do is advise. Your friend will be grieving, fun with her mates is what she wants. Xx

Try to set her up with a financial advisor. Aside from that not much you can do.

Op I wouldn’t normally advise giving unsolicited advice to friends but in this instance I think you are absolutely right to refuse the holiday, right to be concerned, and I think you would also be right to encourage your friend to save the majority of her funds, and perhaps get some financial advice.

It’s surprisingly easy to blow that amount of money fairly quickly! And your friend will be very distressed. . Your friend will be making impulsive decisions to distract herself from grief , and in the not too distant future, she might look back and regret them very much.

As the relation of someone who was widowed young, who had been left a chunk of money which she blew through, and is now living very carefully on a state pension with very few savings, I would take your friend aside privately and have a serious word.

You are a true friend with buckets of integrity and I hope she will listen to you. And if she doesn’t, at least you have tried.

Be honest in a kind way and tell her that you would feel uncomfortable being beholden to her financially (and that wouldn’t make for a relaxing holiday) that she would be sensible not to make any impulsive purchases for at least a year after her dh died, and that she will definitely need that money in future. And the more she retains, the more she can make it work for her.

The elderly parent of someone I know has just been admitted to a nursing home and the fees are above £7,000 a month! So you might mention future security.

I also agree with pp that you should make a carefully worded public comment on your WhatsApp group and make everyone pause for thought.

You're a thoughtful friend @xcurlyluciex, but in short can't really step in to warn your friend. Keep your thoughts to yourself and be ready to pick up the pieces with her (not for her) when, as seems likely, it goes tits up and the money's gone. Your reason not to go on the holiday is perfectly reasonable and the fact that she's demurred about this shows just how skewed her perspective is.
There's a good reason that the standard advice after such bereavement is to do nothing significant/expensive for a year afterwards.
I can see paying off the mortgage is a good idea, but £150,000 isn't much in the long run, depending on how old she is and any income she will get from her late DH's works pensions.

She might be lonely and sees treating her friends as a nice thank you for supporting her through this horribly tough time. She might also be feeling like you never know what is going to happen in life, so enjoy time with those you love and do what you would really like to do.

Does the friend have dependants' pension(s) from her late DH's employers?

Could you suggest a lovely spa weekend for the two of you (if you have a partner who can have the kids)

Unless you're a single mum, why on earth wouldn't you take her up on this?! She's going to do it anyway so you might as well go along and enjoy yourself, cheer her up for being widowed (I'd hope my friends would come on holiday with me if I was widowed!) and if you worry about her wasting cash just help her out in the future (to the extent you can afford to) when she's broke again. Don't be a martyr or her mum.

You've obviously got morals is deciding to turn down the free holiday even though you probably couldn't go anyway. In regards to HER money, she won't change. If hubby knew he was ill or???? He would've probably created a trust fund for the kids to keep in reserve until they were older. Either way it's no skin off you nose. You can only advise people, but most don't listen until it's too late. She may be a spender but she has to grow up at some point and smell the coffee.

This is the approach I'd take, if it were a good friend. Suggest a visit to a financial adviser to see how to deal with the money so she has asset growth and some extra income for the fun things as well.

But depends how close you are, it's not something one can easily say to all friends, but would be fine for ones where we have that level of honesty and closeness.

Can you compromise - see if you can find (eg) a spa weekend for you where you pay your way? It's absolutely legit for her to want a break with her friends, and maybe this feels as though this has intersected with her tendency to spend (ie. so 'want a break' has turned into 'enormo-luxury break'). And I do think it's ok to carefully try and raise the subject with her, but maybe more in terms of future budgeting and support.

She's going to blow the lot by the sound of it. You can't stop here but at least you're not encouraging it.

Why should be only about what she needs.Maybe about what she wants. A new car is reliable, has a warranty, safer, more comfortable. Maybe that's what her priorities are.