Shouted at by male midwife mid panic attack

There are a lot of things not adding up. Why were there three nurses in a room with a midwife? If the unit was closing why was the waiting room full? Was OP possibly verbally abusive and unaware of it due to her panic?

I wonder why any man would choose this career.

Same here, I've had appointments with male Gynacologists and Obstetrictians and they don't bother me in the slightest, I can't put my finger on it but male midwives have always made me feel a bit ick, I know I'm being unreasonable but even so. OP I'm so sorry you've to deal with this ghastly person when you're so low, please do complain

I would be astonished if the OP was the first woman ever to request a female midwife. I bet plenty of women do who have not been abused. They just feel more comfortable with a woman clinician. And it’s every woman’s right to ask for a same sex midwife.

If the male midwife really thinks this is about being ‘sexist’ and is ‘triggered’, he is pretty stupid and should not be working in the profession.

And it’s fine for a distressed patient to scream or cry if panicked (obv not be abusive). If you can’t deal with it, don’t work in healthcare.

I would have thought that as a male midwife he'd be prepared for the times that some women would prefer a female staff member and shouldn't have been so confrontational about it.

Absolutely go to PALS! He sounds awful.

I immediately panicked and explained that I didn’t know there would be a man present. what did this look like? Was it loud? Screaming? Or calm? I think if you'd explained you're sorry you have a note on your file about not seeing a male due to a difficult history the situation may have gone differently. With no context I can see why he may have been triggered into just thinking you're being sexist.

However if he'd managed to control his emotions and listen he would have understood I'd have hoped.

Sorry you had to deal with this.

I'm so sorry that it happened to you, all off it (SA, miscarriage, abusive male midwife).
There was no need whatsoever for this chap to take it personally and his resulting behaviour was very unprofessional and scary.
I bet you want to grieve and move on from this, at least that would be my instinct, but I agree you should put in a formal complaint. It may be ignored but it may make a difference and you just may help assure this will not happen again to another woman.

It is also so, so sad your experience of SA is shared by so many women, including myself. No male can empathise with it fully. They simply cannot understand our fear.

Don’t worry, you don’t need to be crystal clear about what happened, you just need to tell them what happened as you remember it and let the person allocated to investigate try to find out what happened. The nurse may not have deliberately moved to block you from leaving the room, but that’s your perception of what happened and that’s important. She might have been trying to enter the room to diffuse the situation, she might have just wandered in the way, she might have been deliberately obstructing the doorway (which would never ever be “policy” - it’s hospital not prison). At the very least, she can reflect on why her actions in that moment increased your distress and hopefully be able to manage it better if a similar situation happened in future. The complaints process isn’t about trying to catch you out or prove the hospital is right and you’re wrong, at least not in any maternity unit I’ve worked in. It’s an opportunity for staff involved to pause and reflect on what happened and the impact it had, it can also be an opportunity for the senior team to find out about incidents that may otherwise go unreported, or help build a case against a known difficult member of staff. Women’s voices are powerful, believe it or not, and are often taken more seriously than staff complaints about the same person. You aren’t on trial, the onus isn’t on you to prove your recollection is absolute truth. How you felt in that moment is valid, whether the staff intended to make you feel that way or not.

OP, as a hospital consultant of many years, I have zero tolerance for staff being rude to patients. I don’t care what his background was or what kind of day he had had, it does not give him the right to talk so insensitively to a patient. He did so many things wrong. He should not be relating his mental health problems to yours. Of course he has not been through what you have as a woman so he has no right to dismiss your issues. He made the situation escalate. And goodness, all this whilst you are having a miscarriage.

As a woman being shouted at in a vulnerable situation, you probably don’t have the mental energy to complain. But please ask your partner to help you draft a letter. I would send it straight to the chief executive, director of nursing and the complaints department. Don’t waste time with pals.

And I’m sure you do not want to go to the papers and divulge such a personal story.

Definitely contact the exec board at the hospital. Good luck and I wish you all the best.

And the way he tried to make it about him is honestly gobsmacking.

Please complain - it may save the next vulnerable woman or girl from a nasty experience. Hope you're doing ok.

I think you need to stop. You are giving the OP an interrogation which she doesn’t need right now. She has said the main focus is the midwife anyway, not the nurses. Leave it.

Well he sounds like a real piece of work. He thinks you should “get over yourself” and let a man do intimate examinations because who cares if it cause a few silly flashbacks 🤬🤬🤬

Really, he needs to binned. Make a complaint.

Definitely get your report in, this is completely unacceptable. Keep it completely factual , quoting what he said and describing his actions, so that it's taken seriously. But you can also add how it made you feel to the report.

You've had lots of good advice already. Just wanted to say that I'm very sorry he did that to you, and I'm sorry for this new trauma after the trauma you've already experienced. I hope you do complain to the hospital and report to the NMC, and that the incident is taken very seriously.

OP, you may not still be reading this thread but, if you are

(1) I am so sorry this happened to you

(2) even without your particular history it is totally unacceptable

(3) you should complain to the NMC (others have linked to their page) as this is a public safety issue

(4) when you complain, as well as providing an account of that happened, comment on how well (I.e. not at all) the midwife and other nurses lived up to the NMC’s values (one of which is KINDNESS…)

very sorry for your loss - sending strength for the next steps.

Hard agree.

An obgyn is a doctor - a specialist at that. A midwife is nowhere near a doctor. Absolutely no comparison. Any male choosing to be a mid”wife” is suspect. End of.

One of the women who had been in the room later said she understood why I was upset but said if anyone had stepped in the midwife would consider they disrespectful.

So the other staff feel afraid to challenge another member of staff when they feel it is appropriate.

Add that to your complaint.

There's a culture where this man is effectively intimidating patients AND staff and it's not healthy. It does lend itself to whistleblowing should it be necessary.

This man has too much influence and is untouchable when it comes to poor conduct.

You should report, I'll get flamed for this but men shouldn't be bloody midwives anyway. 💐 I'm so sorry for your loss xx

I imagine you are trying to be helpful but you aren't

I think you should definitely raise it as a complaint and you should request that all the staff are made more aware of trauma response and how it can present. I don't think any of the nurses did anything really wrong but they were clearly inadvertently making the situation worse by not being aware that you'd feel trapped and need to be allowed clear access to exit and be away from them and him in particular.

He needs to be trained better in how to swallow his personal offence and be professional. As a human being, it's not unreasonable that he should be offended by you not being able to trust him but as a professional in this space in particular he should understand trauma or even just cultural norms and be able to not take it personally.

She's not defending herself in court, she will be explaining what happened and how she was made to feel so while she does need to be clear I doubt she will be cross examined to that extent.

Op my very close niece suffers debilitating panic attacks

So i know how horrific it is or rather i have witnessed it

All i’m saying is - differentiate between what you’re absolutely clear about and what you aren’t. If you do that now, it will save a lot of stress during the investigation process when it may come to light that some elements of your experience weren’t quite the case ie multiple nurses blocking your exit