WIBU to message his new girlfriend telling her he has a child?

Please bare in mind she might already know.

Call me cynical but I don't believe you'd really be doing this out of an altruistic desire to help the new gf. When people say this it's always just a justification for getting one over on their ex.

I'd just apply for CM and not give him any ammunition to say you're harassing him. A rich, successful guy like him will always be able to find another pretty gf. Just worry about yourself IMO.

You can't trust him so don't let him make a fool of you. Why on earth would he have the moral values to pay over the CMS calculation when he doesn't even have the moral values to make any effort to meet or bond with his child.

I would either want to see his latest pay slip on demand when you want it and each annual P60. If he refuses go via CMS.

Forget the gf, she is not your problem.

I wish someone had told me, I was in the same situation. He was a deadbeat, I learned too late, had a chld by then, then he became a deadbeat to my kid. As in true deadbeat-- disappeared and did not pay the court ordered maintenance.

Wow. I am not surprised. I was in your shoes, met someone, had a child with him and learned he had other kids he abandoned AFTER I got pregnant. Like it was hidden for several years. Had someone told me, I would have broken things off with him and moved on. Then he did the same to me and my special needs child, and stopped paying maintenance as he moved to another continent. Eventually I got him, took a few years, yet got him held accountable,

so be sure to be clear on your motivation to tell her.

And get yourself a solicitor and get a proper child support payment for your child.

it's a bit of a weird way to phrase it, maybe she didn't want people getting distracted by the amount

That’s my mistake for not reading properly!

Also how much is he giving you. Cos if he went there for a super duper payrise he might owe you alot. I would be wanting to make sure this is right and your not entitled to more.

Oh my god. No, please, you have to tell her. If I were her I would be SO grateful for this information. This man abandoned you at a time when you were the most vulnerable. He abandoned his child. If someone messaged me letting me know all this about the guy I was seeing I wouldn’t be able to thank them enough.

Maybe he’s told her. Maybe she doesn’t care. But maybe she doesn’t know, and you informing her would be an act of public service

No don't tell her. Pretend he doesn't exist. Don't give the absolute muther fucker a second thought. He is obviously fucking derranged to be able to abandon his family like that. He has no business in your life

it's £50 over what he's required to pay, not £50

I’m sorry £50 child maintenance?! Even if he were to earn £1000 a month (which I so very doubt he does) by the gov calculations he’d owe £120 a month. I’d actually contact child maintenance and get it done properly, if you know where he works or can find out they can do it properly for you! Get every penny he owes to that child! X

My daughter is 30 now. Her Dad tried everything he could to not pay maintenance and sent presents only because his family thought he was a good dad (he left when she was 10) and if he didn’t, they’d know what he actually was. He didn’t see her until she was 19. I’ve stayed quiet about him in front of her, raised her myself without his support. It’s hard for you, I know, but that man is only a sperm donor, not a father, as if he were, he’d have made it work if you were together or not. Put him out of your mind, and move on. He’s not worth a second thought.

What is CM?

I’m not sure what you are trying to accomplish- is it to warn a young woman about the man she is dating? What if she knows and doesn’t care? What if she doesn’t know and when you tell her she still doesn’t care? What if you tell her and she cares, what is it you want her to do? Dump him? Make him step up? What if she dumps him and he gets a new girlfriend? Is it rinse and repeat? It smacks a bit of a labour intensive way of exacting payback. Which is tiring and not good for your mental health. What I would do is make sure he is named on the birth certificate and pursue him for child support through the courts, make sure it is paid every month without fail. This will make you more financially stable and put a third party in charge of the admin, giving you time to heal. The best revenge is a life lived well so make plans that allow you to live your best life and f*ck this shell of a human being.

In your position I would be sooo tempted to tell the new gf. But like many have said, it’s probably unwise. I think you should continue to focus on pouring every possible resource into your and your son’s wellbeing, including formalising the CM. I know revenge is sweet but from what you say this cold hearted man is incapable of love in any form most normal people would recognise and so their life might look perfect right now but viewing people as disposable has a way of coming back on people, even if it takes years to catch up. The best revenge, as they say, is to live well. It’s a shame for the current lady, who will eventually get hurt, but you’ve got enough parenting to do without looking out for her. All the best x

He’s offering to pay £50 a month to control you and the whole CM can end overnight if he chose which will leave you high and dry. He will use the fact that he’s not named on the birth certificate as another controlling instrument and will come back to you saying ‘prove it’ etc. He can’t do this to you for the next eighteen years , keeping you dangling hoping that the money will be there the next month. Go to the CSA and get this formalised and they have access to his tax etc so they can be sure you’re paid the right amount, not what he tells you he earns. Be bold be brave and do it for your son. As for telling his new girlfriend I wouldn’t bother because it just looks childish and he’ll pull the voluntary payments straight away. I hope you find someone worthwhile.

No it’s based on CM +£50!**

Well said. Plus he will have rights to her son. I was in an abusive relationship and the nurses told me 100% do NOT put him on birth certificate. It has never effected my csa either.

He doesn't need to be on birth certificate my boy isn't. If he is on birth certificate he would have rights, he walked away so his loss
❤️

@CarsCary you're doing great. Don't rock the boat. You sound like a nice person so don't stoop to his level.

I have been in this position. Being strictly practical, I would worry about jeopardising what money you can get from him if you stir the pot (bringing up a child is hard work and it ain’t cheap), and I would give myself time to decide if I want there to be a complete schism between your son and his father…when he grows your son may want contact? Having said that…his potential relationship with your/his son is not a given/a right, he would have to show he was worthy of it. It sounds to me your (already) triple caring responsibilities, compounded by you becoming pregnant with your mutual child has sent him running for the hills into the arms of a trophy date, free to trip the light fantastic across the globe. I do wonder tbh whether you will be able to refrain from telling her anyway, once you’ve had a few…cruelly, social media makes it way too easy to still see into your ex’s life. In terms of ‘unreasonable’…surely he’s the one being unreasonable to cut off all ties like that from his former fiancée and child. I’m sorry…you don’t deserve this. However…you lucked out. You’re the one with your child, not him. Good luck 💕

You sound such a caring person. I’d try to concentrate on your own life and what you can do to improve that. Forget him. No good will come of interfering

I wouldn't tell her. No need to complicate your own life.

Leave sleeping dogs lie.

£1000 a month child maintenance & the absent father has no legal to the child. This is a big benefit to the poster/ mom of baby.

Absent father sounds like he lost his head after he lost his mom, with a pocket full of inheritance.

In time this worm will turn , you should sit tight and wait for your day . I truly believe at some point he will become curious and reach out. It is then upto you what you do.

There is no point in rocking your boat financially as you might end up with a lot less. Maybe do some research on what he would pay if it went through the CM route just so you know.

The absent father sounds like he had a personality change , you were with him for a long time 8 years ! & for him not to want to see his child is very strange........BUT death and grief can bring out the worst in people and be responsible for all sorts of disgusting behaviour.

I would say keep your dignity cary on being the fab mom that you are, do not contact the girlfriend as it is not your responsibility . Hold tight and wait for your day . You will have a financial trail of him paying money into your account & as I see it , that is evidence he knows he is the biological father.

We all, would like a bit of revenge in this situation but believe me the best time is when you are not hurting from his shocking behaviour.

Look after yourself and your son & get ready for the next bombshell. He may try and crawl back or even decide to stop paying his maintenance. Expect the unexpected keep all evidence, back statements, photographs everything from your past that was with him so that you can prove the existence of your relationship.