Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU to message his new girlfriend telling her he has a child?

621 replies

CarsCary · 16/10/2024 03:22

Background first, my ex and I were together for 6 years and engaged. We had a generally good relationship. We now have a 8 month old son together, he has never met him but does pay maintenance.
The reason he has never met his son is because about this time last year he got offered a job in London, massive pay rise included but I couldn’t move, I care for my mum and dad who are both very ill and I am responsible for my younger brother who has additional needs. He is able to live independently but needs support with this.
Anyway we broke up and in January he moved to London, our son was born in February. He blocked me everywhere. I was able to have a short conversation with him when our son was born through a mutual friend, he said he would pay child maintenance, sent me the calculation from the government calculator and said he’d pay £50 per month over this. He then said he did not want to go on the birth certificate and he wouldn’t be involved.
This broke my heart, I never wanted my son to grow up without a dad, I’ve been really struggling with everything but I get up each day for my son and my family and get on with it.
At the weekend I went to a friends wedding and ran into an old mutual friend of my ex and I. We were chatting and a little drunk when she told me she still follows him if I want to have a little stalk of his instagram. I should have probably said no but I was tipsy and curiosity got the better of me.
He has a new girlfriend, her instagram is public. They must have started dating around march/April but seeing all the posts made me irrationally angry. He’s been off to New York, Paris, Rhodes, Amsterdam, Berlin etc. with her while I’ve been crying at home caring for OUR son alone. I know this stupid but I’m also angry as it feels like he’s got off easy, he broke my heart, he abandoned his son and now he’s dating some gorgeous girl, who’s got pics on her instagram of her modelling. He’s going out for dinner to lovely restaurants and taking nice holidays and me who did nothing wrong and our son who has done nothing wrong just get by every month!
Now I’m willing to bet she has no idea he has a son and I want to tell her, I know he will just tell her I’m crazy or something but I feel like I should tell her anyway. Her account is public so I could message her easily and I’m sure it would go to requests but AIBU to want to do this? Should I just focus on our gorgeous boy and moving on?

OP posts:
Sjdjb · 16/10/2024 05:58

No. Keep your dignity. If I saw the wedding friend I might suggest I wouldn’t be sorry if she messaged the GF though.
‘Hi I know your boyfriend Josh as I’m a friend of the mother of his baby’.
Nobody will care if she’s labelled as a stirrer.

Gretagarbaled · 16/10/2024 05:57

I would strongly advise not to contact her. Not your problem. You'd just be inviting drama into your life when you obviously have enough going on. He could stop maintenance (and yes you should make that official through CMS). Your only concern should be your child. She could be one of many girlfriends he has over the next few years, will you contact them all? What is the point? You don't owe this woman anything.

dhxxx · 16/10/2024 05:52

I think I would leave it, as tempting as it is.

If he gets serious with her, it will all come out eventually. How could he buy a house with her etc without declaring he is sending £1k a month to someone else. He'd have to tell her eventually and I don't think you telling her will make him more likely to do the right thing and see his child

Idontgiveagriffindamn · 16/10/2024 05:51

I wouldn’t message her, he could get difficult about lying child maintenance. Also are you going to do it for the next girl friend and the one after that and so on?
honestly it will make you feel better for all of 5 mins.

Offcom · 16/10/2024 05:41

It does not sound stupid for you to feel angry about this! You’ve got so much responsibility and are getting on with it; he’s rejected taking just a bit of responsibility for something that most people find hugely meaningful and joyful. Probably tells himself he’s a good guy for bunging an extra bit of cash in the bank regularly.

I think I’d be tempted to message her too but would hold off, in the hopes that at some point he’ll change his mind about having a relationship with his son.

Am aghast at the birth certificate situation, had no idea you could just refuse to be named when there’s no dispute about the parentage.

So sorry for all that life’s handed you, you sound like an amazing person to be getting on with things. Good luck with whatever you decide

Creditschmedit · 16/10/2024 05:40

If he effectively pays your rent then what would you do if he just stopped paying because he was pissed off that you told her? Your number one priority is your son and if you could not afford your rent without his payment of £1k every month then I would definitely not be doing anything that could risk that unless I knew there was no way he could get out of paying it.

Mercurysinretrograde · 16/10/2024 05:33

He may well have told her, and your contacting her will just make you look like a vindictive ex. Is this in your son’s best interests? If you stir now he may withhold payment until you put CMS in place. Rather just don’t contact her and get a proper CMS claim in place. If you try to cause problems in his life there is little chance he may soften his stance and want a relationship with your son later on.

Original poster
CarsCary · 16/10/2024 05:29

Bigcat25 · 16/10/2024 05:26

So weird op, I'm sorry. What's the situation with his parents.

His mum sadly isn’t alive anymore (real shame she was a lovely woman and would be disgusted), his dad is alive but I have no contact with him, I’ve met with his sister twice since he moved but he cut contact with her too and she is blocked on everything as well.

OP posts:
Carrotsandgrapes · 16/10/2024 05:28

I wouldn't message.

Whatever the result, if you message it will be obvious to everyone that you're doing it to get back at your ex. It will also be clear you've gone to the effort of finding a way check his socials, and then stalked her insta, and then contacted her. So they may reasonably conclude it's because you want him back. I couldn't bear for a man like that to think I wanted him.

Focus on your son and on formalising and maximising the CM

Champere · 16/10/2024 05:27

Don’t message her. All you need from him is the money for your son. Get that arrangement made formal then ignore him. He’s no more than a sperm donor.

I don’t think much of the ‘friend’ who offered to show you his Instagram account either. What benefit was that to you other?

Bigcat25 · 16/10/2024 05:26

So weird op, I'm sorry. What's the situation with his parents.

Original poster
CarsCary · 16/10/2024 05:22

Christmastinsel78 · 16/10/2024 05:19

Would he be the type that would get difficult about paying maintenance if you told her?

I have no idea anymore actually.
If you asked me a year ago if he was the type to get up and abandon his family for a pay rise I’d say no? If you asked me 10 months ago if he was the type to date some model 10 years his junior (after being adamant that any girl under 25 was a child) I’d have said no?
Today I’d say no I don’t think he is the type but I don’t know him anymore he’s not the man I loved or planned a family and future with.

OP posts:
bebopalula111 · 16/10/2024 05:21

I wouldn't message her.
It's not go to bring him back into yours,
It's not worth it imo

Christmastinsel78 · 16/10/2024 05:19

Would he be the type that would get difficult about paying maintenance if you told her?

Diomi · 16/10/2024 05:18

Don’t send that message. If I got a message like that from a boyfriend’s ex, I would just feel sorry for her. Even if she was horrified that he had a child and they split up(unlikely), he would move on and find another girlfriend.

I would get the child maintenance formalised because that is the best thing for you and your son.

2chocolateoranges · 16/10/2024 05:12

I wouldn’t tell her, is just be thankful that such a selfish man isn’t in my child’s life. If he was in your son’s life, you’d be sharing birthdays, Christmas and other special days with him, I’d much rather have my child to myself than share him with a selfish man.

HolyPeaches · 16/10/2024 05:09

I don’t think you should message her. But it’s completely up to you.

You don’t know this woman. You have no loyalties to her. If she’s kept in the dark then that’s your ex’s problem not yours. He should be man enough to tell her.

Don’t give her or him another thought. Only the CSM, nothing else. Telling her won’t make you feel any better.

WinterFaye2 · 16/10/2024 05:05

He needs to be paying full maintenance to you and your son.

I would also let his girlfriend know yes. Given he abandoned your son and blocked you on everything, he’s no gentleman. She deserves to know who she is dating too.

Original poster
CarsCary · 16/10/2024 05:02

namechangealerttt · 16/10/2024 04:46

Even if he claims he is paying $50 (sorry no pound sign on keyboard) above standard rates, is he even telling you the truth about what he is even earning?
With all these trips and a stunning model girlfriend, who will likely have expectations on how her partner treats her, dinners, gifts etc, he could be earning a lot more than he is telling you.

This is a good point and I’ve thought about it.
He gives me £1000 a month which I know sounds like and is a lot. I only make £31,000 a year so that is a massive amount to me (covers my rent), but after other costs like childcare (I’ve just gone back to work) and debt doesn’t leave an awful lot.
I don’t know exactly how much he earns (6 figures is all I know). I guess I’ve never gone down the making it official route as he has paid every single month without missing and in 2 months (Easter and my birthday month) transferred £100 more than that. Obviously I’ve been no contact with him so don’t know why he did that.

OP posts:
FiveShelties · 16/10/2024 04:55

I would do nothing until you sort out the maintenance out if you really feel you have to tell her, but I would not tell her, it could make you look vindictive and that is the spin he will probably put on it.

namechangealerttt · 16/10/2024 04:46

Even if he claims he is paying $50 (sorry no pound sign on keyboard) above standard rates, is he even telling you the truth about what he is even earning?
With all these trips and a stunning model girlfriend, who will likely have expectations on how her partner treats her, dinners, gifts etc, he could be earning a lot more than he is telling you.

Teateateacuppatea · 16/10/2024 04:38

I agree with the posters advising you to consider what you will gain from this. You just stand to lose out on the payments. He can spin any story he likes.

Please make the payments official.
Also, what a shitty ex. I sympathise.

user1492757084 · 16/10/2024 04:29

You have nothing to gain by renewing your communication with your dreadful ex.
I would be thankful you don't have to organise him seeing your child every two weeks. Your child, however, might feel differently when he is a little older so I would leave the communication civil and non catty.

For your child, you could set the child payments legally in stone and regularly revise the amount. I would also tell your ex that you are aware and fine that he has found a new partner and that it is only fair to tell her of his child (leave the telling up to him).
Remind him that, at an older age, if your son wishes to meet him, you will be taking that very seriously as you never want your son to suffer mental anguish of not knowing his own roots.

Tourmalines · 16/10/2024 04:29

Heidi2018 · 16/10/2024 04:23

I think you need to think about each possible scenario if you tell her and how you'd feel in each case. What result do you actually want from telling her?

There's a chance she will read, not reply and block you... how would you feel?
There's a chance she will read, and send you a horrible reply... how would you feel?
There's a chance she will read and your OH will send you a horrible message... how would you feel?
There's a chance she will read and thank you for telling her... how would you feel?

I'd just be worried you aren't really sure what you actually want to achieve from this and would be left feeling worse about yourself after if that result doesn't happen for you.

This , with bells on .

littlenickyy61 · 16/10/2024 04:27

I would get your child maintenance secured officially before you consider informing his girlfriend. If you don’t then I would imagine there’s a very high chance he will just stop paying it and you will then be out of pocket while sorting out a cm claim.