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AIBU?

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Original poster

WIBU to message his new girlfriend telling her he has a child?

621 replies

CarsCary · 16/10/2024 03:22

Background first, my ex and I were together for 6 years and engaged. We had a generally good relationship. We now have a 8 month old son together, he has never met him but does pay maintenance.
The reason he has never met his son is because about this time last year he got offered a job in London, massive pay rise included but I couldn’t move, I care for my mum and dad who are both very ill and I am responsible for my younger brother who has additional needs. He is able to live independently but needs support with this.
Anyway we broke up and in January he moved to London, our son was born in February. He blocked me everywhere. I was able to have a short conversation with him when our son was born through a mutual friend, he said he would pay child maintenance, sent me the calculation from the government calculator and said he’d pay £50 per month over this. He then said he did not want to go on the birth certificate and he wouldn’t be involved.
This broke my heart, I never wanted my son to grow up without a dad, I’ve been really struggling with everything but I get up each day for my son and my family and get on with it.
At the weekend I went to a friends wedding and ran into an old mutual friend of my ex and I. We were chatting and a little drunk when she told me she still follows him if I want to have a little stalk of his instagram. I should have probably said no but I was tipsy and curiosity got the better of me.
He has a new girlfriend, her instagram is public. They must have started dating around march/April but seeing all the posts made me irrationally angry. He’s been off to New York, Paris, Rhodes, Amsterdam, Berlin etc. with her while I’ve been crying at home caring for OUR son alone. I know this stupid but I’m also angry as it feels like he’s got off easy, he broke my heart, he abandoned his son and now he’s dating some gorgeous girl, who’s got pics on her instagram of her modelling. He’s going out for dinner to lovely restaurants and taking nice holidays and me who did nothing wrong and our son who has done nothing wrong just get by every month!
Now I’m willing to bet she has no idea he has a son and I want to tell her, I know he will just tell her I’m crazy or something but I feel like I should tell her anyway. Her account is public so I could message her easily and I’m sure it would go to requests but AIBU to want to do this? Should I just focus on our gorgeous boy and moving on?

OP posts:
WandsOut · 16/10/2024 08:02

@CarsCary that at least is not a concern at least, you can understand why I asked.

How do you feel about it all now you've had some responses? Do you think you can move on without needing to contact the new gf?

Is there any benefit to you to do so? Will it cause you more anxiety and worry?

Buttermill · 16/10/2024 08:02

I would go direct though csa I bet he earns more than what he put into the calculator 50 sounds very little for someone working in London. They go off his p45/p60 etc and then request for it to be backdated! I would tell the girl also or get someone to message her on your behalf that hes abandoned all responsibilities. I would be tempted to say enjoy ur catch and ur holidays but that would seem petty and she would just think your a jealous ex it has to be heartfelt saying you have contemplated back and forth and im not sure if he had told you I hope he has.

SweetGenie · 16/10/2024 08:01

They can, of course they can, but he can easily hide it! He lives miles away! He doesn't see the son, and he's a big earner so he can afford to pay and not let his lifestyle suffer. I wonder if his parents know about their grandson?

Gettingbysomehow · 16/10/2024 08:01

Just move on and enjoy your children. I brought up my DS alone and he was fine without a dad. He is a lovely man now empathetic, artistic, hard working, he did just fine.
I didn't even get maintenance.
Your ex is the loser here, he has a wonderful DS he will never know. He will regret it one day when he's older but it will be too late.

WandsOut · 16/10/2024 08:00

@xxSideshowAuntSallyxx the reason I asked was because sometimes in threads like this, other patterns of behaviour are revealed about the ex - and if there's any hint of aggression in the ex partner, it can escalate with something like this.

Original poster
CarsCary · 16/10/2024 08:00

WandsOut · 16/10/2024 07:58

This.
Also, has he ever been violent or aggressive? Would there be any danger to yourself if you did tell her?

Show quote history

No never violent or aggressive. Emotionally detached, sometimes mean but generally charming (isn’t that always the case) and for the first 5 years nothing but sweet and loving!

OP posts:
Crowsandbadgers · 16/10/2024 08:00

I wouldn’t tell her.

You really need to reframe this so you have peace.

If he’s lying about his child, his entire relationship is fake - he’s not being genuine, it’s built on a huge lie. Let them flaunt it on SM.

He is paying the maintenance each month and would you want your child going to London every other weekend for them to play happy families?

Be very careful op. He WILL paint you as the bad guy and then his hand may be forced (to show his girlfriend that he isn’t a shit dad) to go for access. All you may succeed in doing is having your child less time and having your child influenced by a 22 year old who doesn’t really want the child around.

Keep quiet and laugh at the fact you are well shot of such a man.

Dachshund40 · 16/10/2024 08:00

@CarsCary I don’t think you should message her but I would consider messaging his presents as they may want to be involved in their grandchild’s life, and if they are local to you may be a good support network whilst you are juggling care for your parents and brother. Also get maintenance made official through the CMS. Hard situation to be in, but your son has a mum who adores him and is obviously very loving, I would not bother yourself about your ex or his new girlfriend.

Flopsy145 · 16/10/2024 08:00

Do you know what after reading this thread a bit more I don't think I would tell the girlfriend and risk losing £1k a month. That's a huge sum and allows you to maintain your son's life.
If a mutual friend let's slip and the gf messages you, so be it. These things come out the woodwork eventually, he's living his fantasy life right now, but fantasies don't last forever.

CheekySwan · 16/10/2024 07:59

You say he has blocked you in every way. Then you 'reach out' to her to heal the rift and try and get him involved in his sons life.

Also, he may be getting more money than you thought if he is jetting off all over the world - I think I would be revisiting the maintenance thing also, you say he sent you the calculation and offered you £50 extra - this sounds a little suspect to me. Do you know what his actual salary is or are you going off him? I would maybe go through child support, i don't think he is being honest about his earnings.

WandsOut · 16/10/2024 07:59

WandsOut · 16/10/2024 07:57

If I was the girlfriend I would want to know.

But this doesn't mean you should tell her, it's going to drag you back into his orbit and you are better just moving on.

xxSideshowAuntSallyxx · 16/10/2024 07:59

WandsOut · 16/10/2024 07:58

This.
Also, has he ever been violent or aggressive? Would there be any danger to yourself if you did tell her?

Show quote history

Wow that escalated! No where has she even hinted he could be violent or aggressive.

femfemlicious · 16/10/2024 07:58

TrishM80 · 16/10/2024 07:52

He's paying her £1000 pm, not £50!

Show quote history

Oh ok, I thought he was paying £50 as well. @CarsCary let this man go. I know it's really painful but let him go and move on. Hopefully you will meet a good man who will be a good father figure to your son. You have to find a way to rebuild your life.

WandsOut · 16/10/2024 07:58

littlenickyy61 · 16/10/2024 04:27

I would get your child maintenance secured officially before you consider informing his girlfriend. If you don’t then I would imagine there’s a very high chance he will just stop paying it and you will then be out of pocket while sorting out a cm claim.

This.
Also, has he ever been violent or aggressive? Would there be any danger to yourself if you did tell her?

TeamPlaying · 16/10/2024 07:57

Having read through your posts, honestly I wouldn’t. It’s just too likely that you’ll rock the boat. What if he tells her that you’re the crazy ex who keeps his child from him and she “supports” him to apply for PR and contact? What if he gets angry, stops paying and hides his salary so you drop to getting peanuts on an official maintenance claim? Right now things are very tough for you, but you are in charge of your life and your child’s life, and your child gets a decent amount of financial support. Honestly I think I would stay quiet.

xxSideshowAuntSallyxx · 16/10/2024 07:57

Also stop snooping, nothing good comes of it, and reevaluate your friends, as the friend is no friend if she happily stirs the pot.

WandsOut · 16/10/2024 07:57

If I was the girlfriend I would want to know.

Spirallingdownwards · 16/10/2024 07:57

ShinyPebble32 · 16/10/2024 07:46

Don’t contact the new girlfriend, but make sure you are getting more than £50 a month out of this fucker - sounds like he can afford a lot more!
His new relationship is none of your business I’m afraid lovely, but his financial responsibilities as a parent certainly are.

He is paying £50 more than CMS would order not £50

SquirrelSoShiny · 16/10/2024 07:56

Yeah I just saw I was editing the post while you were writing @TrishM80

Nodlikeyouwerelistening · 16/10/2024 07:56

The fact he has a child he’s abandoned won’t make a jot of difference, so I wouldn’t bother.
I would make an official claim for CMS though. That money is for HIS child whether you need it or not, that child has a right to benefit from it. It also stops him being able to pretend he doesn’t exist. When he comes to the point of meeting someone and moving in/marrying/buying a house I’m sure that money will come to light and he’ll have some explaining to do.

femfemlicious · 16/10/2024 07:55

Don't tell her. Leave him to karma. I know it's sooooo hard but Let him go and focus on your gorgeous son. Why is his child maintenance so small when he has a good job?. Get the correct child maintenance and you have to have your own career. Is there any way to get carers for your family do that you can get back to work?. You shouldn't have to give up your whole life to care for them.

CameronStrike · 16/10/2024 07:55

Firestace · 16/10/2024 07:22

If he's willing and keen to pay then what's the issue though? Sure he's paying for now, he could turn around tomorrow and stop, or in a few years time and then would have the stress of trying to sort it whilst also losing hundreds a month that their son needs.

Show quote history

IF he stops then she should go to CMS. But if he's paying willingly why on earth mess about with it? The CMS is only in place to make unwilling parents pay. Where a parent is paying willingly there is absolutely no benefit to it for anyone.

Spirallingdownwards · 16/10/2024 07:55

VeganStar · 16/10/2024 04:00

Yes tell her, but then get on to cm straight away.

Why should he be lording himself all over the world while your little boy is just getting by.

She may or not care but at least you’d have outed him for the scum he is. If she doesn’t care then they deserve each other.

She already says he pays £50 over what CM would be. She will likely end up with less.

@CarsCary if you tell her bear in mind he may decide to drop his payments to what he us legally obliged to lay rather than giving you the extra that he does currently.

As regards to him going out to nice places and seeing other people I am afraid you will have to accept that he has moved on from his relationship with you and can do what he wants with his time. It is awful he has chosen that he does not want a relationship with his child but that is separate to not wanting a relationship with you.

TrishM80 · 16/10/2024 07:52

SquirrelSoShiny · 16/10/2024 07:49

This.

I'm sorry he was such an utter prick. I don't know how these men live with themselves.

For £50 a month I would gladly tell her and tell him to shove it up his ass - be aware he will probably stop his 'mighty gift'. If he does, go after him through CMS.

I hate men like your ex. They represent the worst greed, selfishness and callousness- and society REWARDS them for it.

Ooops wait. I just saw that in spite of his threat he's actually paying you £1000 a month. You need to know that he remains a prick BUT he is at least attempting to pay towards raising your son. The rage and disappointment you can offload to a friend or therapist but be more careful if you can't afford to lose the money he gives you.

I still hope he gets cock-rot.

Edited
Show quote history

He's paying her £1000 pm, not £50!

TrishM80 · 16/10/2024 07:51

CarsCary · 16/10/2024 04:07

Thank you, if I do send a message I would just keep it light and breezy, very much facts only, for her information sort of feel to it. She seems to be quite young (like 22/23 vs his 32) so there is a part of me that feels like she deserves that information even if he then twists the story to suit his narrative.

Let's face it, any message you send her about having a child by him is not going to be "light and breezy".