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AIBU?

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Original poster

Bad ending to holiday with friend, AIBU here?

236 replies

ExhaustedAbroad1 · 16/10/2024 00:29

My friend of years invited me to go on a mini break with him, it was to be my first time abroad. He has been trying to persuade me to come away for ages now.

Being an experienced traveller he offered to sort the accommodation and make all of the arrangements.

The accommodation he booked is a twin room. 3 nights. We've never slept in the same room overnight before.

He then mentions that he snores. It worried me a bit as I'm a light sleeper and had a crap time of it with a loudly snoring exH.

I got some ear plugs and figured they would take the edge off. They haven't. His snoring is just as bad as my exH, probably even worse tbh. Ear plugs totally useless.

I didn't sleep well the night before we came away as I was nervous about flying so I was already tired when I got here.

Night 1 I managed a broken 4 hours because of the snoring, he then jumps out of bed at 5.30am bright eyed and busy tailed to get ready for the day and puts the big light on so I get up. I was that exhausted I fell asleep twice on the way to and from an excursion.

Night 2 was much of the same. I had to ask him, gently, to try moving positions as the snoring was off the charts. Barely any sleep for me again and this morning he jollied me along and insisted we go for a massive walk first thing. I'm not a very confident person and didn't feel able to say no. That is my issue I know.

24,000 steps on my pedometer by the end of the night and I'm so tired I feel ill. I laid here for about 2 and a half hours desperately trying to fall asleep because we have to leave at 6am in the morning for our flight home. Snoring like mad again.

I eventually had the idea to put some white noise on my phone next to my ear to hopefully drown it out a bit so I could atleast get a few hours in.

It must have worked eventually because the next thing I know I'm startled awake to him standing over me, incredibly pissed off, demanding that I turn it off because it woke him up. I never spoke to him in any way shape or form like that despite keeping me up for three nights.

Off he goes back to snore sleep.

I'm just sitting here crying now.

I couldn't afford to spend out on another room or I would have done.

Was I being unreasonable here?

OP posts:
guccibag · 16/10/2024 06:50

I also agree- I don't think he is a "friend" at all.

  1. He booked a twin room without checking with you first (prsumably knowing your history?)
  2. The snoring he cant help obviously but insisting you get up and waking you up at 5.30 am is selfish beyond belief
  3. He hasnt tried to help you in any way to get a good night sleep despite you being exhausted- he doesnt care
  4. He is insistent and bossy about going for long walks when you dont want to- he isnt even listening to you
  5. The ONE fcking time you tried to actually sleep he had a massive go at you

What kind of BS "friend" is that? If I had kept someone awake all night I'd at least apologise (whilst knowing I couldnt help it) and would have let you rest to make up for it or suggested ways to mitigate it.

He's a shit selfish friend and I'd be ending it. You dont need people like this in your life. None of us are perfect but he isnt even listening to you which is a basic standard for friendship in my eyes. I promise you that not all friends are like this - you deserve better "friends" than this garbage example.

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr · 16/10/2024 06:50

Sorchamarie · 16/10/2024 05:04

I'm really shocked that anybody is downplaying just how badly this man has behaved here. Although reading on mumsnet the utterly crap behavior so many people put up with, I guess I shouldn't be. As others have pointed out, this is especially true for women who are conditioned to be nice even to our own detriment, as evidenced in this post. Op, it is absolutely NOT ok that your "friend" has effectively forced you to share a room with him without checking you're ok with it, especially when he snores. And then waking you up super early without prior discussion? And then to have the nerve to wake you up when he knows full well he's been disrupting your sleep for the last few nights? That's one incredibly selfish, inconsiderate man! I would not stay friends with someone like this, especially when you sadly find it so hard to speak up for yourself, OP, and to enforce healthy boundaries. Please try to stay away from people who are not considerate and respectful of your obviously gentle nature. I hope you find your inner strength, lovely.

I entirely agree with this. No blame towards you at all, but this man seems abusive also. This is not a friendship. I wish you all the best.

TheOccupier · 16/10/2024 06:50

Not in a million years would I travel (overseas?) and share a bedroom with a man I wasn't already sleeping with. It sounds like you have trouble identifying and setting safe boundaries with men. Please get home safely and distance yourself from this person.

DaisysChains · 16/10/2024 06:40

He didn’t consider you or your past when he booked the room or even ask 🚩

He knew his snoring was a problem but he went ahead anyway only mentioning when it was a done deal and too late 🚩

Your safety and sleep mean nothing to him 🚩

my own experience of an ex deliberately depriving me of sleep and ensuring complete exhaustion from physical activity has me very very concerned for you and I can only hope that you get home safe and sound today and never have to spend time alone with him again certainly not now when you are at point of collapsing into a deep sleep

I agree with @WiddlinDiddlin he is a ‘type’ and not a nice one

he is not safe for you to be around even if the ‘worst’ he is doing is ignoring your needs to further his wants with no overt ‘abuse’ happening : both in ‘’ because for someone who has experienced abuse you may feel it is not the same or bad enough to be described as abuse

but every abuse ever starts from the point of “ignoring your needs to further his wants“

get home and get rid and do not agree on a trip away with him again

personally I would consider never seeing him again at all until or unless you are recovered enough to be 100% confident in asserting your needs - over his needs even never mind his wants

I hope you can get home and lock your door and have a good long restorative sleep 💐

Rigatone · 16/10/2024 06:29

This doesn't help you now but after the first night of snoring hell the two of you should have both paid half towards another room so you could sleep in separate rooms. Really he should pay the full amount for the extra room and fuck off and snore in there, if he had any decency.

I am a firm believer that the one who makes the antisocial noise sorts it out. Irrelevant that he supposedly cant help it. He knew he snores. Did he bring a mouth guard, nasal strips, provide earplugs for you? No. Selfish git.

ticklecrabs · 16/10/2024 06:26

Glad you're going home, imagine if you were there for a week!!

You'll sleep so well tonight being back in your own bed. Never go on holiday with him again!

PeggyMitchellsCameo · 16/10/2024 06:25

If you were my daughter I would be concerned. This man is your friend, I should imagine has knowledge of the DV, this is your first trip abroad, and it’s all about him.
He is not your friend, OP.
I can guarantee you that.
He should not have booked a twin room you should have your own room. It’s actually highly inappropriate.
Next time get your own room and go with a different friend.
I am shocked at the way he’s treated you, he’s an arsehole.

CoastalCalm · 16/10/2024 06:22

What an arsehole ! I struggle to share a hotel room with my husband due to snoring so now tend to stick to two bed appartments. Record him and tell him never to speak to you like that again - I know how utterly exhausted you must be , on our honeymoon I slept upright on a sofa in reception on a couple of evenings !

SulkySeagull · 16/10/2024 06:18

What a selfish prick booking a twin room when he snores! I’d be asking him for a refund of my half of the room. Twat

FrauPaige · 16/10/2024 06:15

I'm old fashioned as I would never share a room with a man that wasn't a family member. How do you relax in the loo, or get changed, or just have some time to yourself?

Advice to OP - get own room next time. Sleep problem - solved. Early morning escapades - just don't answer the door.

pinkdelight · 16/10/2024 06:14

I shared a room with my mum on holiday once. After a couple of hours of her snoring I went down to reception, stuck another room on my credit card and slept separately for the rest of the week. If you have to share a room like that it's no kind of a holiday. It's not a matter of people pleasing and putting up with it and if he was miffed at you switching rooms then fuck him, it's about your sleep not his ego. It's too later now and you say you can't afford another room but in future if you can't afford your own room then don't go. It's one thing to never have gone abroad and to appoint him as your expert in charge, but much better to dispense with casting yourself as naive and incapable and instead assume you can manage to book a holiday and make your own choices. There's never been more info and help online and to suffer this because you've given him all the power is needless. Next time, assert your basic needs and don't spend a penny if it's gonna be hell.

Savingthehedgehogs · 16/10/2024 06:08

And just for the record the white noise was not unreasonable at all in the circumstances.

Savingthehedgehogs · 16/10/2024 06:07

ExhaustedAbroad1 · 16/10/2024 05:54

I'm awake, I think I managed about 2 - 2.5 hours.

I was expecting him to raise the white noise but he didn't. He was just being perfectly pleasant which felt awkward after the tense response to the white noise, so I raised it myself.

I said the white noise was on because I was trying to drown out your snoring which was very loud. He said "I'm sorry but I can't help it, you could have listened to it through your headphones. It was very loud"

I replied saying that I haven't slept properly in days and I'm completely exhausted. The exchange ended there, he went for a shower and I don't think he wants to discuss it any further.

About the 5.30am wake up, we had an excursion booked that day and were being picked up from the hotel at 7ish so we did need to be up early. It was more about the way I was being woken up abruptly with the light pinging on after next to no sleep, before I'd even adjusted my eyes if that makes sense?

Edited

I think you need to have the last word here for once op. And well done for standing up for yourself!!

’Going forward if we decide to go on another trip we will be booking separate rooms and afternoon excursions’ and leave it at that.

He knows he kept you awake, he might be embarrassed. Let it go now and be pleased you told him how it was for you.

The next holiday if you decide to do this again, needs to be booked together and separate rooms can be arranged.

Original poster
ExhaustedAbroad1 · 16/10/2024 06:05

I wanted to tell him that the way he spoke to me upset me but it's clear he doesn't want to discuss the issue any further so I won't say anything else, it'll just look like I'm spoiling for a row at this point.

I think his position remains that I was unreasonable for the white noise and he can't see past that to how bad the snoring issue has been for me.

OP posts:
Inspireme2 · 16/10/2024 06:04

Does he realose how loud he snores?
Record it.
He will likely be snappy being woken but given the noise of his snorning talk it out and expect him to understand ot works both ways. (Men can be so selfish).
I liken this to when I used to have to answer drunken calls until I recorded them, replayed it to the person, who realised what a load nonsense it all was for me.
Hope he comprehends your exhausted, on holiday! Not good.

Geranen · 16/10/2024 06:03

Totally out of line deliberately waking you with the big light like that.

jen337 · 16/10/2024 06:02

ExhaustedAbroad1 · 16/10/2024 05:54

I'm awake, I think I managed about 2 - 2.5 hours.

I was expecting him to raise the white noise but he didn't. He was just being perfectly pleasant which felt awkward after the tense response to the white noise, so I raised it myself.

I said the white noise was on because I was trying to drown out your snoring which was very loud. He said "I'm sorry but I can't help it, you could have listened to it through your headphones. It was very loud"

I replied saying that I haven't slept properly in days and I'm completely exhausted. The exchange ended there, he went for a shower and I don't think he wants to discuss it any further.

About the 5.30am wake up, we had an excursion booked that day and were being picked up from the hotel at 7ish so we did need to be up early. It was more about the way I was being woken up abruptly with the light pinging on after next to no sleep, before I'd even adjusted my eyes if that makes sense?

Edited

Yes it all makes total sense, you are being completely reasonable, stop doubting yourself. The fact you’ve raised it in an assertive way is great, well done, and his avoidant response shows he has some issues with open and honest conversations himself. He’s an arsehole, only an arsehole wouldn’t know that if you wake up before someone else sharing a room you quietly move around in the half light or with a phone torch at most until they get up, not just slam on the light. Don’t let him make you feel like you’re in the wrong, and as pps have said doesn’t sound like a friend worth having.

ChaToilLeam · 16/10/2024 06:02

I‘m afraid he sounds like an absolute prick. Booking a twin room without checking that’s okay for you (and he knows he is a snorer), dragging you around without concern that you are tired, reacting aggressively when he‘s woken up by your white noise - he‘s domineering, selfish and unpleasant.

Seriously, please do rethink your boundaries around friendships once you get home, and don’t go away with this man ever again. This man is not your friend, he doesn’t care about you and has shown it.

Billybagpuss · 16/10/2024 06:01

Billybagpuss · 16/10/2024 06:00

I think the fact he didn’t apologise or at the very least empathise speaks volumes

And ‘I’m sorry but…’ doesn’t count. Anything before the but is bullshit.

timetodecide2345 · 16/10/2024 06:00

He sounds like a selfish weirdo. Is your confidence so low that you've attracted selfish dickheads as mates?

Billybagpuss · 16/10/2024 06:00

I think the fact he didn’t apologise or at the very least empathise speaks volumes

incognito50me · 16/10/2024 05:56

I am older than you, @ExhaustedAbroad1 , but there is a reason I don't share rooms on holiday with anyone other than my DH, my DD, or my mother. At home DH and I each have our own bedrooms and sleep as well as possible as a result (both have sleep issues).

I don't think this needs to be the end of your friendship, but you should address it; tell him he snores really loudly and the white noise was necessary for you to finally get some sleep. If you choose to go on vacation with him in the future, check that you have separate bedrooms - not only for the snoring, but so he doesn't wake you us at the crack of dawn.

Sceptical123 · 16/10/2024 05:54

Record him snoring and play it back to him in the morning when he has a go at you over the white noise - or if he insists on squeezing in another multi-thousand step walk before your flight home! What an entitled, selfish arsehole!

Edit - Just seen PP with same advice after I’d written mine, must anjve been writing at the same time! He’s obnoxious OP and I’m not surprised he didn’t want to talk about it anymore! Don’t let him off that easy - he ruined your holiday.

Original poster
ExhaustedAbroad1 · 16/10/2024 05:54

I'm awake, I think I managed about 2 - 2.5 hours.

I was expecting him to raise the white noise but he didn't. He was just being perfectly pleasant which felt awkward after the tense response to the white noise, so I raised it myself.

I said the white noise was on because I was trying to drown out your snoring which was very loud. He said "I'm sorry but I can't help it, you could have listened to it through your headphones. It was very loud"

I replied saying that I haven't slept properly in days and I'm completely exhausted. The exchange ended there, he went for a shower and I don't think he wants to discuss it any further.

About the 5.30am wake up, we had an excursion booked that day and were being picked up from the hotel at 7ish so we did need to be up early. It was more about the way I was being woken up abruptly with the light pinging on after next to no sleep, before I'd even adjusted my eyes if that makes sense?

OP posts:
jen337 · 16/10/2024 05:53

If you don’t want to confront him while there/in the middle of the night, and I can’t say I blame you & understand it given your past. You’ll just have to firm it out tonight, but record him snoring, possibly even with a decibel meter app, and when you get back send him a message telling him how inconsiderate he’s been. The fucking nerve of the dickhead , I am angry for you.