Bad ending to holiday with friend, AIBU here?

Just because he is a man doesn't mean he isn't allowed to express emotion. Given the circumstances, I think I might be a lot less restrained, in his shoes.

You are friends for years, why couldn't you just talk to him?

Or during the day 'I'm wrecked, I'm going back for a sleep'.

Lesson learned - don't room share.
Lesson #2 - speak up!

I agree with this! He sounds selfish and unpleasant. He might be nice company in small doses but he's definitely not a holiday friend.

My husband snores and we sleep apart now. Holidays are hard because we don't always have space to sleep apart. He has the kind of snoring you can not only hear but FEEL through the floorboards. Unless you have experienced it you won't understand!

Exactly!

I understand that there are reasons why OP didn't bring it up earlier. However, in my experience, people who snore really don't know how badly they do it. If OP didn't bring it up, it's reasonable that he didn't know that it was affecting her.

If I was woken up by my room mate's loud phone noises in the middle of the night I would be pretty short with them, too!

Sure, but he’s not on here asking if he’s being unreasonable, the OP is. All she can change is her own behaviour. If she is so sleep-deprived she feels sick, she should say ‘Off you go on your excursion, I’m staying in bed to catch up on sleep. See you later’. That way his failure to warn her he snores, or his cheapness about booking two rooms, has consequences for him as well as her.

@MeridianB
Completely disagree. Read my post above.

At least you know if you go away again that you need a separate room, and possibly not to stretch your funds so much that you can't afford one if you need it.

He can't help snoring, you knew in advance so that was the time to suggest two rooms. Have you done the freedom programme? It might help your confidence

@strawberrysilk
So he was cheeky not being upfront about it but they probably both got a cheaper trip.

OP now knows she can't share a room with a snorer so that if a trip suggestion comes up again, she can ask her fellow traveller/s and sort out accommodation accordingly. She's learnt something.

Look, I am not saying it's great but OP seems to be catastrophising this, and others are saying 'dump him as a friend' - which is ridiculous. He's the only friend to recognise that OP is not well travelled and done something about it. As this is her first trip abroad, maybe he thought, if we share a room, she'll feel less anxious.

I have a group of friends and we travel occasionally - 1 person is a horrendous snorer - no one will share with her, she has to get her own room. Everyone knows this after our first trip away together, where the person she shared with got no sleep and they were a bit ratty with one another in the morning. We didn't exclude her from future trips, she's still our friend.

A bit of perspective people!

You were being unreasonable in not telling him about the problem and trying to work something out together.

There are very few people I would share a room with, ever. Never a platonic male friend. I wouldn't want to share a bathroom with him either. Even if they want to save money/have late night chats/think their snoring isn't too bad - just no. Tell him his snoring spoiled your trip and if you go away then separate rooms are non-negotiable. Even if they don't snore then I'd want it just for some time out, privacy for bathroom, down time alone to recharge for the evening etc.

I don’t think you should be spending time alone with any man a friend or otherwise, until you’ve had some help identifying the signs of abusive men OP ♥️
For example, the first red flag was the twin room - an understanding gentleman would know a woman may not feel safe or comfortable sleeping in a room with him and sharing a bathroom/ getting dressed etc.
He is a steam roller.

This person is not your friend. Get through the rest of this trip and then step away from him once you're home. You deserve better.

I would wait until you are safely home and then compose a letter or text to explain exactly how he made you feel and that you wont be going away with him again.

I would seriously reconsider the whole relationship tbh if he has the ability to treat you like that. As someone said, you have made him your go to person and as such he takes charge of situations which you like, but I think he likes being in charge a little too much.

When is your flight home? I would stay in bed and catch up on sleep if you can today. I wouldn’t contemplate another holiday with this man, who is clearly an inconsiderate bully.

You need to find better friends OP

NOT HIM

What a nightmare!! I think you should have been way more involved in the planning of this trip. When I go away with friends (male or female), I insist on having my own room. I simply can't sleep with a friend in the room. When he said he was planning it, I would immediately have said, "I need my own room."
As for not sleeping, that's torture. I would have let him go off and explore while I caught up on sleep.

He knows that he snores.

Hard to enjoy the experience when you are so sleep-deprived you feel nauseous.

I have voted YABU because I think you are being so passive and a pushover about this.

You should be able to tell any good friend that they snore. It's also not a disaster. You now know that you can't share a room with this person again if you want a good night's sleep. You have learnt something - great.

Chalk this trip up to experience. I assume you have enjoyed other aspects - being in a new place, sight seeing etc. Concentrate on that

I think just be very quiet on the way home. And write to him when you get back. Tell him he may not be able to do anything about his snoring but maybe he doesn’t realise just how bad it is because he surely would never have booked a shared room if he did. Secondly that he could have shown a little more appreciation of the fact his snoring had kept you awake rather than dismissing it as something he knows he does but can’t do anything about. Some sympathy for the fact that you were utterly exhausted and desperate for sleep would have been the correct way to approach things. And lastly the fact he was so annoyed about the white noise you put on and had the audacity to complain that it was “very loud” and had woken him up is the icing on the cake. Although no one appreciates being woken up, you found his manner aggressive and over the top and his complaint to be entirely hypocritical given the level of noise coming from him every night. It shows a complete lack of empathy. And for this reason you feel some space and time to collect your thoughts is needed while he takes some time to consider whether he needs to work on some empathetic skills if he is to be a good friend to you.

I seriously hope you put the white noise back on again. Sleep on the plane home too.

I have to put noise cancelling headphones on when my DH gets really noisy with his snoring and I have to speak in my normal level voice (not a whisper because he wouldn't hear it) saying "You have to roll onto your side now because your snoring" and that works. Sometimes I have to nudge him awake.

Your friend, well if he booked the room and he knows that he snores, well that's just inconsiderate and he should have booked two single rooms instead. Lastly for your own sanity, I don't use foam ear plugs any more, I do use Loop ear plugs as they are fantastic. I'd highly recommend getting a pair or two to have around.

He doesn’t want to discuss it any further, oh well, that’s alright then isn’t it, NO OP, you have to discuss this further, completely and thoroughly. I once saw on here someone describe snoring soooo perfectly that I’ve never forgotten it. They said it’s like someone presses a car horn right next to you, jolting you awake, then continues to press that horn intermittently every few seconds for the next seven hours or so, it’s sums it up perfectly. Snoring isn’t funny or something to be ignored, it’s torture to be on the receiving end of, and it’s always minimised by the offender because they can’t hear it, they get defensive because they have been told many times, but don’t want to know. Sorry to sound like a dick but you ARE having this out with him, he’s essentially deflecting all the fault on to you using the white noise to make himself the victim, you stand up for yourself and you tell him, even through tears just how he made you suffer on holiday, if he’s a good friend he will sincerely apologise, but I think you will realise he is just a defensive twat.

If you go on holiday with him again, insist on each having your own room and tell him it's not negotiable.

I would never share a room on holidays for this very reason. I know it's more expensive but I would have to have my own room and would go for a shorter break with own room. Put it down to experience, don't do it again. And no YANBU

It sounds like you're trying to justify it to yourself.

It doesn't matter if it was like talking to a teenager. You're not his child and he was intimidating you. It worked because you stopped. He has manipulated you into getting his own way.

He might be different to other angry men you've experienced but he is still an angry man. He is disgusting. Absolutely no regard for you. Make sure you buy some earplugs and an eyemask for the flight home and get some kip.

He sounds selfish and unreasonable. He can't help snoring but it's bloody rude to have booked a twin room without mentioning it and asking if you were ok to share in that situation.

But in general it doesn't sound like you're very compatible holiday companions.

If you're flying back today I personally would leave it. You've told him why you had the white noise playing and that his snoring has kept you up for days on end. It's a shame he hasn't apologised, it sounds like he's embarrassed and wants to move swiftly past it.

You could keep pushing it but to what end? Best case scenario you'll get a grudging apology, worst case it will descend into a row and make the return journey really uncomfortable.

You know now not to let yourself be put in this situation again. Personally I wouldn't travel with him again, if you do want to then insist on separate rooms and make sure you stand up for yourself about activities and timings you want to do things.