Bad ending to holiday with friend, AIBU here?

Great post 👏

I think you do get more out of the in person programme - I was challenged a lot about things I had considered ‘good’ things which in hindsight were v calculating and to his benefit and my detriment

I had not realised how easily he had utilised the grooming I had been put through by former men in combination with his ‘good guy’ persona to manipulate me so thoroughly back to the harmful beliefs that any abuse was either imagined or my own fault

I don’t know if the online programme would give the same opportunities for others to point out abuse tactics they recognised or self-blaming ingrained by abusers

If we had been in a group together I’d’ve been asking you if this good, safe, kind never-a-raised-voice man was always like this - even when challenged - or was he like this only when you were compliant, pliable, agreeable and going along with how he preferred and things he wanted to do

On holiday it was all fine and dandy while he was paying for everything (how would you dare complain - that would make you look selfish and ungrateful - so you didn’t did you?)

When you asked him to change position he did - but you had to ask more than once, he didn’t listen the first or even second times, you weren’t getting any sleep and yet he didn’t suggest any other solutions or enquire about how rested you felt, or if you were still ok to do the trips (that he had planned)

And when you tried to solve it yourself (without consulting him or considering what he preferred) then his reaction was angry and authoritarian - both in the moment and afterwards when he silenced you

you strayed from his carefully constructed path for you and were firmly put back on it when he noticed

^ all of the above stuff is the querying and challenging needed to think about how we interact with others and them with us and is essential when we have been abused (esp if v young the first time) because we may have received so much grooming that it becomes difficult to think of it as anything other than ‘normal’

and it is v v usual to get out of abuse one relationship at a time as we improve our self-esteem and abuser-radar moving from worst, to slightly less bad, to closer to normal, to actually respectful and loving

if you can find an in-person group give it a go, if not, at least look afresh at how people interact - are they open and listening and caring and reciprocal?

I get nervous around men who are angry but that's my trauma and nothing he has ever done.

@ExhaustedAbroad1 You're still not listening to what people are telling you! It is normal, and a good thing, to be afraid of angry men. Because they can be dangerous.
Don't think it's a you problem and something you must train yourself out of.
You're still making excuses for him and telling us what a good person he is. Yet he didn't allow you to make choices and frankly bullied you. There was absolutely no need for him to stand over you and speak to you angrily, then shut you down when you tried to talk about it. Can't you see that?

@ExhaustedAbroad1 It was completely out of character being that way toward me and I think that's why I was so taken aback and upset, because I would never have expected him to speak to me with anything but kindness, because he has never been anything but that.

Maybe if you can actually have the conversation, you’ll feel better. I agree his behaviour could be seen in two different ways and yes maybe it’s possible that he’s the kind friend you know him as. There is probably more work you can do on boundaries and assertiveness. It’s such a long trek. Either way I hope you can find a resolution so you don’t have to feel sad about this incident any more.

He was probably not acting himself as he’d been woken up and reacted badly. Doesn’t mean he is an aggressive person generally. I think it will be important that you explain just how bad his snoring was and how this impacted you. As he was rather dismissive (I can’t do anything about it) and maybe isn’t aware (otherwise he shouldn’t have booked a twin room). He also needs to know the reaction to being woken up made you really uncomfortable and quite upset. It’s more the hypocrisy and lack of empathy which is the part he can reflect on. And yes, maybe he should seek help for possible sleep apnoea if it’s that bad and no, he should never expect anyone to share a room with him again.

Glad you got home safely OP... I hope you are feeling better and less tired. Many people have said that he behaved very very badly and that is not your fault. He owes you an apology.

Abusive people take advantage of other' people's trust. That is their loss.
Perhaps it can be looked on as more of a learning curve. Yes it would be good to work on this so that you feel stronger but don't forget that You kept calm, you dealt with it and got home safely without further distress. You are stronger than you realise.

You've learned much about your friend over the last few days. He is a controlling and inconsiderate bully happy to make you tired and miserable so you give him companionship and pay half the costs of the sort of break he wants to have. That's the sort of information that once you know..well, you can't unknow. All you can do is decide if this is the type of person you want as a friend.

You gave away a lot of power before you even booked. Where you would go, room
arrangements - and gently, you put yourself at risk in my view.

He continued to stamp all over your boundaries and treat you badly.

I agree with this. It was all on his terms.

The Freedom Programme may be useful for you, OP.

I agree. @ExhaustedAbroad1 You are blaming yourself, and this is what you should be reflecting on. You are not to blame for his behaviour, which was terrible.

You say he’s aware of your history and that you find it hard to say no or stand up for yourself. Any decent person would be extra careful to make sure you were ok with anything proposed, knowing that. He knows you have difficulty saying no and yet he repeatedly gave you no option to say no or express what you want. He didn’t say “is a twin room ok”. He didn’t say “would you like to go for a walk in the morning”. He just pulled you along with what he decided the two of you were going to do. He got aggressive when you did something he didn’t like. He shut you down. In my view that’s really nasty behaviour. Someone who cares for you should be trying to help you build up your confidence, not break it down further as he has over these last few days.

Please, think carefully about how he treated you.

I will ask him for his recollection on that bit.

please don’t!

he has disregarded you from the start and I don’t think you should offer him any further opportunity to make his bad decisions your ‘fault

adding my encouragement to PPs’ - the freedom prog might really help you see how abusers make you think you are wrong in order to divert attention from their abusive behaviour

He is a deeply nasty individual.
I am not a people pleaser but would find the situation you found yourself in intimidating and horrifying.
I cannot imagine the shock of an angry man standing over me in a shared room.
Fxxk OP, you are not understanding how wrong he was.

He is not a good man.

Please, please do the www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

Agree 100 per cent.

"He does know about my history with DV... He knows I have residual issues left over from that... He knows very well that I struggle with people pleasing and not feeling able to stand up for myself or say "no" and mean it."

He knows all that... yet still behaved the way he did.

When you tried to say what the issue was with the snoring funnily enough he didn't seem to want to discuss it.

And booking twin room with someone without offering a choice - inconsiderate to say the least.

He sounds awful.

”I have very poor boundaries which need to be worked on.”

No, no, no! He has very poor boundaries! He was the one who booked a double room for himself and a female friend. Frankly it’s just weird that he would even suggest it!

I sleep in a communal bunk area at work, as it is the only place to grab a couple of hours sleep during an overnight shift. Sometimes there is a male work colleague in there. The beds are behind curtains. The dance we do to make sure we do not encroach on each other’s personal comfort zone is immense. I would never share a room with a male colleague though. I went on an outing with 2 work colleagues and one of them brought their girlfriend along. They’d booked 2 rooms, as they assumed everyone in my profession is male 🙄. But when they discovered this, the 2 male colleagues shared a room, and I shared with the girlfriend. It was never even suggested that I share with a man. Both my colleagues would have been horrified had the other suggested it!

So what I’m getting from your update is that from all the advice you have been given telling you that he has behaved appallingly, and that you need to confront him, you are not going to talk to him, only maybe to kindly suggest he has sleep apnea, but also you are pretty much saying that the whole thing was your fault!

@ExhaustedAbroad1

It’s a shame that you have to end up being negative about yourself, saying “I need to work on my very poor boundaries”.

Clearly the person who is in the wrong is your friend, but I bet they won’t see themselves in a negative light at all, and will carry on being inconsiderate.

I think you should see your ability to be considerate and empathise as a skill. You could call it people pleasing, but you’re able to recognise the needs of others as well as your own.

I think it’s more about harnessing that skill, and not viewing yourself in a negative light.

The person who really needs to change in this situation, probably won’t and is incapable of doing that.
However you can, and this means you are the stronger person.

Don't blame yourself for having poor boundaries. He should be more mindful of them in the first place. Glad you are home and can get a good night's sleep in a peaceful bedroom.

Glad you're back home, and can get some proper rest now.

He is, in my view, still an arsehole. He cheaped out on the booking without discussing it properly, if at all, with you, and making sure you were comfortable. Even if he didn't snore, I would be so tense in that situation I would barely sleep.

Standing over you and telling you off for your quiet little white noise was really aggressive. I am sure he has many lovely qualities, but he is not a good man.

Having boundaries around someone who does not respect yours - despite knowing your history - is very difficult, and I don't think you should be blaming your "poor boundaries" for 99.9% of this horrible ordeal.

His response shows he doesn’t think past the end of his own nose. Selfish man.

Did you not read the OP?

The accommodation he booked is a twin room. 3 nights. We've never slept in the same room overnight before.

He then mentions that he snores.