To be concerned my DD may be a target in secondary school.

I'm pretty sure I know which group you're talking about and those kind of posts always baffle me - do people really think there's one trend for school bags for all secondary schools across the whole country??

The same goes for random requests for present ideas - surely asking the person concerned, or someone who knows them, makes more sense??

Mine wasn't interested at 11 and still isn't at 13. Sticks to a group of friends a few of whom look trendy and few don't . There are groups at her school who all look identical and those seem to be the groups with the massive falling outs. My daughter and her friends just aren't bothered though they are all more into makeup and skin care.

My daughter is in year 11 now and has never followed what is the trend of the time she is also into anime and has a variety of anime themed hoodies which she loves, she has had a bit of grief from some girls but she has never let it bother her and hasn't changed herself to try and fit in which I'm proud of her for, she tends to stick to like minded kids who are into the same things she ( I suspect she is autistic too but have never had her assessed)

Most issues faced are intra friendship group fallings out rather than groups being mean to quirky kids.

I’ve had 4 through/in secondary - all very different but not one has given any attention to brands or having the “correct” cup or bag. They have all had a perfectly nice time and made good friends. One dc is vvvv into appearance and has gone on to study design and is hoping for a theatre/film career but didn’t want particular brands at a school or need to be around people just like her. One dc is a “lad” and tbf really did want his Nike trainers but I wouldn’t have made him have them if he didn’t want them. The other 2 barely wash their faces never mind pick out branded outfits for themselves. Secondary schools are great for meeting a diverse group of kids and I guarantee there will be a group of girls swishing around in identical haircuts and bags and a group of boys in matching trainers but there will be 100s of other kids who aren’t bothered about that sort of thing. Anime and manga is a completely mainstream interest there will probably be more kids into that than Nike trainers and branded cups.

Not saying dds state girls school is perfect but it would be socially unacceptable to be downright mean to someone who wasn’t cool but was otherwise nice enough. You would be seen by your peers as a bitch.

Yes but the kids who like the stuff might not like her. Which is silly but that's what kids do.

Sounds like she won't be friends with the kids who are into the designer trendy stuff, as a teacher for 10 years I've never seen these kids pick on the kids who don't have the stuff. There are loads of kids who don't have/want the stuff

@mm I live in a very working class town and there's countless grown men here wearing t shirts and jumpers emblazoned with Gucci, Versace and Stone Island (and I'm 100% sure they're either fake or they've gone into debt for it). I don't find it classy at all- I find it sad, insecure and chavvy (my style is very indie/alternative- dresses with converse or DMs, and im sure they find thay "sad" and weird, so we're even!). My step dad is the same and is 1000's in credit debt from buying Lacoste and Hugo Boss shirts 🙄 I love girls like your daughter and a lot of old people from my old estate/school have since bumped into me and said that they looked up to me because I wasn't a "chav"! (Not saying the kids at your DD's school are, but they certainly were at mine in the early 2000s!)

She’ll be fine. She will find her tribe.

You are not being unreasonable to be worried, because before my kids were in secondary I was so worried. My older boys, one in particular, is such a softy, he's also a bit nerdy and has SEN. He, and his (twin) brother have been fine. If there's been any ribbing or teasing it's been minor enough to not have evoked an reaction or mention, and I have always been vocal that I will challenge and stand up for them, always.

Might be a bit different because they're boys, but from the girls I see at the school gate, it doesn't seem to be an issue.

None of my kids were into brands etc

DS1 who is nearly 18 couldnt give a toss about brand labels or even if his clothes match colourwise. He is ND though and doesnt care about being cool.

DD who is 16 isnt bothered about designer labels, buys stuff off vinted etc and so do all her friends.

DS2 who is 13 also isnt bothered about the latest trends and was identified at school last term as one of the 'influencers' in his year following a questionaire they had to answer about friends and who they go to for advice, hang out with etc. He is happy in Primark joggers and buys the exact same pair of trainers everytime he grows out of the them.

My kids have plenty of friends and as far as I am aware never been bullied for not having the latest whatever.

At my dds all girl school at least half of the girls seem to be pretty quirky tbh. You only get bullied / ostracised if you are actually mean yourself. Apparently anyway.

You described my ASD daughter at that age. She went on to mainstream but it didn't work out and then onto Sen provision. She's always had her own style. No one else in her school looked like her. She liked to custom her own clothes. She doesn't like brands very much. We just let her develope her own style.

I can honestly say she's never had a problem with other children or been teased about not wearing brands.

I like that she is happy to be herself and not follow trends.

I don’t care about brands as an adult but when I was at school people who wore ‘crap’ brands got bullied. It was pathetic looking back on it 🤣 There were no specific brands that people wore but there were definitely ones to be avoided! I’d say good for your DD that she seems confident enough not to care, and as long as she has that same attitude to tell anyone who might give her a hard time to do one, that’s definitely the way to be!

Your daughter sounds fab! One of the perks of going from primary to secondary school is that it widens up your potential friendship circle. She’ll find her own gang with shared interests and hopefully a wider range of acceptable school bags! 😂

Yeah 90s with frugal parents here too. I actually loved being a teen in the 90s! But not sure diversity etc was dealt with that well...

I totally get that most teens are just doing their best to get through school etc - some may really love fashion, others wear things to try to fit in, and that can mean fitting in with the mainstream or fitting in with their particular peer group. Most are trying to figure out their identity whilst avoid getting picked on or whatever. The teenagers I know through my two are all lovely!

She will find her tribe.
My autistic daughter is now in y8 and she is into anime and manga and Japan
She is still friends with her primary friends who are into skincare and make up and shite but she has new friends who share her interests

my school has no uniform so wearing anime tshirts from uniqlo helped find friends - but if you have a uniform maybe add relevant keyrings to the backpack - it's what all the kids do - and have an anime pencil case and so on...

Good luck!

@mimblewimble that sounds awful and I can understand how someone would become bitter about this sort of thing. I rarely wore any branded items as my parents thought they were too expensive and frivolous and I remember feeling less than at times in comparison to friends who could wear some of these clothes. This was in the 90s. One thing to consider, before being so dismissive of teen girls trying to fit in or being a bit try hard, is that these girls are likely feeling insecure. Insecurity and being a teen girl go hand in hand. Teen girls can be try hard, insecure, feisty, trying to fit in, rebelling against and trying to figure it all out. As a parent I'd try and steer them gently away from too much branded stuff just so they don't come to rely on this for their self worth but I wouldn't put down a young girl for wearing brands if they like the clothes and feel good about themselves. But I have no problem with getting them the rucksack or trainers they want, it's lovely to feel happy with your clothes and accessories.

I agree. It's made me think though!

In my teens a group of kids used to harass us and call us names for not looking the 'right' way, throw stones at us and even beat my friend up because they didn't like his t shirt.

It was stressful and bewildering and sometimes quite scary. Over time you can get quite defensive and angry about this, and start to judge people for their mainstream fashion choices in response.

Clearly not everyone who likes mainstream fashion is an abusive dick, but all of the abuse I had as a neurodiverse teen with a strong interest in alternative clothes, music etc was from people who were 'mainstream'. (It's kind of like how it's Not All Men who harass women, but it's pretty much always men.)

Sometimes teenagers can be brutal. It honestly took me a while of being an adult to stop being extremely wary of 'fashionable' people.

I think you need to opt out of this group chat. You need to model for your dd how to confidently be her own person.

My dd is in secondary and does not have any of the things that you’ve listed (nor do most of her friends). She is popular and well liked and has no issues. This sounds like a lot of parents projecting their insecurities onto their children (probably parents who have too much time on their hands and are spending too much of it on TikTok 🙄).

She sounds very much like my youngest OP - although DD2 doesn't have CP, she has ASD inattentive ADHD and dyspraxia so effective she managed to fall UP the stairs. Knows her own mind, doesn't care about brands, if it's not Pokemon or Minecraft she's not interested and she seemed terrifyingly young-natured starting secondary compared to her streetwise brand-obsessed older sibling.

She started in September and she's loving it - we picked a smaller mainstream secondary with a good reputation for SEND and a very active SEN base and a key worker system - and she's loving it - she can go hang around in learning support on break times if she's finding it hard socially, but she's not tended to need to (although she's discovered they have loom bands so is suddenly spending more time in there) and she's made a couple of friends for the first time in a long time!

Added bonus that the school run a Pokemon lunchtime club - her eyes nearly popped out when she saw that notice on a school open evening!

My oldest sounds very much like your daughter op. I try to keep an eye on what the youngsters are wearing when I’m out and about for work and get him things that are fashionable as he is a lovely looking boy and I want him to look and feel his best but he really could not care less. I could hand him a donkey costume in the morning and he would put it on and go to school no question.

He only agreed to upgrade his years old phone when it gave up and stopped working His younger brother is the opposite and “needs” all of the trainers. Some dc are a bit quirky, some will follow the crowd. They’re all just doing their best.

Mother of a boy, now an adult but here’s my perspective looking back. In secondary there were popular and try hard kids who very much had specific kit and every trendy logo. There were plenty who didn’t buy into the logo approach. Avoiding a ‘roadman’ look was thing for him.

The ubiquitous Adidas backpack was such a problem one year because nearly everyone had the same bag. After about 8 weeks they all gradually started getting different ones because of coming home with other peoples bags by accident