To think it is best for my children if I remain single

I think, statistically, girls do better with just mum but boys do better with a male role model, so whatever you do, you’ll be half right/wrong.

So I wouldn’t fret about it. See what happens.

If I was in your position I would stay single until the children were grown up.

I tried so hard to do the modern thing of FWB. For me it meant friends before benefits as in whatever happened at what was a demonstrably and mutually understood difficult time for me, that the friendship between us was more important than the sexual relationship. Unfortunately that understanding or expectation on my part bit me hard. Very hard. I tried to communicate my needs, my thoughts, my expectations on communication and more. It didn't work - it ended up being very much all on their terms. So, go for it if you have the hide of elephant but do not think that sex without commitment or whatever is easier. It's not.

We need to be confident to push back against the rhetoric of 'woman needs man' or she's incomplete in some way.
It sounds like you've done a lot of thinking about what's best for you and your children. You know your own mind, have thought about your own childhood experiences, and it doesn't sound as though you've reached your decision lightly. As they say, paddle your own canoe and do what's best for you and your children.

As a single mum myself who's dated, I miss sex A LOT and have sometimes thought my DC would benefit having a man around.

Having said that, I do not bother anymore with men. Even the 'nice' ones are just not worth it. Most attached women won't admit it outright, but there are a significant number with inadequate or abusive partners and husbands. And even more who carry around a shitload of internalised misogyny.

Happy being single. It's peaceful.

I don't think you're on your own in that mindset. If anything happened that caused my husband and I to split or whatever I wouldn't be I tested in dating whatsoever. I would remain single until they were both adults. It's just how I prefer to play it for stability.

I didn't date from when I split with DD's dad when she was 5 until she started secondary. I then deliberately decided to at least try dating as I knew DD would become increasingly independent. She's in third year of secondary now and i have been in a relationship for 2 years and it was so the right move! She's out so often and even when in is a typical teenager and rarely interested in me. I suspect i would be fighting loneliness now if it wasn't for my partner. But having said that we both have kids so live apart, have always seen each other when we don't have our kids. We have now met each others kids and have started doing the odd nights out together etc. But I doubt we will move in together until the last of our kids turn 18.

Perfectly reasonable OP. I have 3 kids with SN from an abusive marriage. I never want to be in a relationship again, friends with benefits might be nice once they're all grown. One will probably be at home for much longer then normal. I know a few single mums, the two that have gone on dating and trying to have relationships it ended in pain everytime. My DC need stability and I don't think any of them could cope with another adult regularly in their space, so it's a good thing I don't want a relationship. I feel for my friends that still really want that, but I've never seen it work out and the kids end up hurt along with their mum. I'm not exposing my kids to another man who might turn out to be abusive like their dad. I was with XH for a decade before we had kids and things only became really obvious when I was pregnant with our third. I really believed he was one of the good ones.

@StarDolphins, you could be me. I've been single since exH and I separated 12 years ago when DD was 18 months. I have focused on giving us both a nice life we travel, go to concerts, have cosy movie nights in etc. She doesn't lack for male role models as my father and brothers are all around and involved. I have never seen any reason to disrupt our lives by introducing a random man into it. People try to persuade me otherwise and often ask what I will do when DD leaves home and I reply that I'll finally catch up on all my reading!

I think you’re absolutely right OP.

I don’t think it benefits kids to be part of a blended family. My dad remarried and I hated it. He didn’t have more children but my stepmum had a daughter who lived with them full time and I just felt so pushed out, like he’d replaced me with her. Thank god I had my safe haven with my mum, who never dated (as far as I knew) and always made me feel that I was her no 1 priority.

I don't blame you.

If you would like to have a man in your life in a limited capacity you could make it clear from the outset that you are not interested in marriage or living together - just a boyfriend-girlfriend status relationship with dates and romantic friendship. He keeps his home and you keep your life (and home and security - and the stable status quo for your kids).

I feel the same, I have raised my 12 year old son single handedly and we are very close, I have thoroughly enjoyed parenting him and it terrifies me to even think about dating another guy. I don't want anyone to change our family dynamic or give any outside influence to him. We are very close and comfortable with a balanced life. Maybe once he is an adult I might consider it, I don't miss sex as I've never had a good experience with it anyway, I can please myself with more success tbh 😂 and single life has been a joy, no ties, no having to negotiate etc.

I agrée you are perfectly reasonable feeling as you do op.

I have two kids from an abusive marriage. Was really happy single then met a great guy. He did 50/50 with his kids and was no respectful of me. After a long time we merged families. Was all good for a while. My kids had an amazing father figure and loved him. Then we decided to have a baby, I had felt fine but got talked into it and was excited to experience having a child in a loving equal partnership. Only once baby came along his true colours showed. Housework and childcare was my responsibility. He had been 50/50 with his kids I think because of the financial benefit of them not paying maintenance. Loneliness when he didn't have his kids. He paid for a cleaner and the kids were older so I hadn't seen the reality of the inequality with a young child with him. There were lots of contributing factors but I left him in the end and he dropped my kids. My son has really been impacted by that. And I realised he didn't want 50/50 for our shared child while child was young and hard work, went months without seeing his kid but now kid is a bit older and less work he's having him much more and I bet the next woman will come along and believe he always did as much as he does now and think he's a great dad/man just like I did.

My older son is disabled and I can't get childcare/babysitting anyway to date but if I could I would be friends with benefits only. Can't put my kids through what they've been through again

A blended family just wouldn't work for me because I know all of us would be compromising and I don't want my kids to have to

I think you’re doing the best thing.

So so so many people drag their children in to barely mediocre blended families. Basically raising two families at meh at best. Because they put their needs to share a bed and have company anything else.

You can still have relationships and sex and what not it just doesn’t need to involve your children.

In the same boat - 2 dc and no desire to date. I'm actually shocked when people ask me about dating: err I'm a single working mum to 2 young dc. I want less hassle in my life, not more!! And I am permanently touched out.

That said, if an absolute angel knocked on my door for a cup of sugar I'd be tempted.

But the reality of dating is dating apps and meeting strangers for a drink is not how i want to spend my precious free time.

I'm 50 and the exact same!
Aah well, if I die lonely, at least I'll know I put my kids first

I feel exactly the same and honestly I think this is a good thing OP.

I am separated not yet divorced and have a good co-parenting relationship with ExH. I have zero interest in dating anyone for the foreseeable much less introduce them to DC and blend a family. No way thanks. I think this is the right thing to do whilst DC are young.

Thank you 🥺

I try. I took a long time to recover from my upbringing and the past. I'm getting there slowly and I feel like I can't make the same choice my mum made

People think marriage is so great and respectable and 'best for the child'. I call bullshit - kids need a mum who is stable and sane and loves them above all

And they won't get that if you're catering to the every whim of a grown man 😒 xx

The thought of a man in my space exhausts me 😄

I’m the same (but I don’t miss sex🤣) I have my own house, lovely friends, lots to keep me occupied & my sole focus is bringing my DD up. I don’t want, or have time, for meeting anyone else.

I would also never bring an unrelated male into my DD’s life. She wouldn’t be choosing that life, I would and I’m not prepared to do it.

My childhood was full of different men coming & going, my sister’s life was full of different men coming & she prioritised these men above her DD & it all backfired when she was an adult.

I was single for years before meeting my DH, we have 6 year old twins now and I have to admit it’s been tough. I’ve always always said though that if we ever split up or something happened to him I wouldn’t date again so I totally get when you’re coming from.

What is your dad like? Do you have brothers, uncles? They can be surrounded by decent men who aren’t a father figure?