To think it is best for my children if I remain single

I have only been single two years since a long marriage and tried dating for about 6 months but didn't actually like it at all. I hated how intrusive it felt towards my life with my kids even though my kids are older. I didn't like how I was supposed to sacrifice time with my kids to see a man just to see if he was any good. I realised that I will never want to live with a man ever again and I don't even want a man to stay over and be there in the morning. I think men are hugely overrated and I throw all my energy towards my kids, myself and my friends, in that order. All are things that makes me feel good.

I do know some successful blended families. However they do tend to be ones where ex’s aren’t involved (I know 2 women married to widowers).

I have to say I am shocked at the number of women I know who split up with husbands/partners and within months there’s a new partner who is going on holiday etc with all the kids all over SM. It gives me the ick. They don’t usually last either.

Theres a balance in all things thought. I’d concentrate in trying to have a social life etc. you don’t know who you might meet along the way.

OP has said she doesn't want to date. Why are you pushing it?

I'm the same. Though my parents were still married, there was violence at home and my worst fear is finding the wrong man who affects my 9yr old DD.
I've been single 8 years and will remain so for foreseeable. However like you, I too miss sex & intimacy! It's hard but a sacrifice I'm willing to make.
Plus my DD hasn't seen her dad since she was 1, so I don't have any child free time to date!

When I was single I was actively not dating but I focused just on making new friendships, I met my dp through a shared hobby and part of the attraction was how dedicated he was as a dad,putting his dc first and forging a healthy and positive co parenting relationship with his ex, despite her having left him for another guy. He pays more maintenance than the mandatory because he can afford to for example and was very present. Our dc got to meet as part of a friendship group so by the time we took the next step it already felt very safe.

I do hear what you're saying, OP, but I think this rhetoric of 'good single mums stay single ' makes the alternative 'only bad single mums date or want sex'. This good vs bad is what puts us back in virgin/ whore territory and we don't want that.

FWIW I've been a single parent two years and not dated at all. My friend has been dating and had a few serious relationships. We are different people, she can't be alone whilst I can tolerate lots of time on my own.
It would be wrong to judge her for wanting to be in a loving relationship, we're not all happy with a book and a gin like I am. I don't think we should judge people needing that intimacy and reciprocal bond that you get from being in a relationship. I love going on holiday on my own with the children, whilst she would just hate every second, it's horses for courses. She's not a worse mum for not wanting to live her life on her own.

In the same way, I hate it when married women or women in relationships comment that 'if they were to split up with their DH they would be single forever' but they don't know that. They don't know that they would be happy living like that, because they haven't experienced it. They are just fed up of cleaning up all the time and the lack of thanks, but they have no idea if they could hack spending every other Friday night, Saturday night, holiday, some Christmas's on their own (in a 50/50 custody split scenario).
I'm sure many of them would change their minds.

Is it better for the children? Well that again depends on the parents. If mum is depressed being single, and doesn't feel able to do X,Y,Z on her own, then no. If mum thrives, has lots of friends, enjoys her job, gets out and makes memories with her children then probably yes.

I raised my children alone, after divorce when the younger was 4.
I could never get over the thought of my DC having to say "Mum's boyfriend ".
I know, it's a strange thing to get stuck on, but I just couldn't do it lol.
My DC are now adults and I have married a wonderful man after being single for 22 years.
But I enjoyed my sole parent life, and my DC and I are very close.

I wish more MEN behaved decently so women and children weren't at risk!!!

It does not have to be forever. Women can and do get into relationships with men once their kids are adults or close to adulthood.

It’s also possible to form a relationship which is extremely hands-off from your daily life (ie, you meet for companionship sometimes but no moving-in and the kids are mostly kept out of things) - again, this is easier as your kids become teenagers and it becomes easier for you to, say, head out in the evening now and then without having to hire a babysitter.

I think there is no right answer, a lot depends.

I agree that a lot of single parents make it hard for their kids with dating, and some I would put it more strongly than that. I babysat a girl in that situation for a while, her father introduced her to one serious partner who he broke up with, he then met and married someone else - I think it was all hard for her though that marriage has been stable.

Her mum however went through a string of partners with their own kids, moved in and out with three or four, and frankly I think it was terrible for the children. And she was in many ways a good mum who loved her kids but had a serious blind spot about that.

On the other hand, my mum remarried after she and my dad divorced, and I think it was very positive for me and my sister overall. It was harder at the beginning and I was not always happy, but it definitely gave us another active parent, a male role model, and more financial and general stability.

The main thing with this though is my mum never introduced us to any men she just dated, and she and my stap-father agreed beforehand that if they did introduce us it would be when they had already settled on marraihge, and there would be no question of it being a trial or experiment - if they married, that was it. And he treated us as his own, including financially - he was just as responsible for making school lunches, taking us to events, and financially (which was actually a big step up for us.) There was no question of us being kids who lived with our mum's husband as a sort of roommate, we functioned as a family.

If I were in that situation, I wouldn't necessarily preclude remarriage, but I would be very picky. And if it wasn't on the cards I might date but I'd not have the kids involved with the person as my boyfriend or anything like that. At best they might know him as a friend.

Don’t f-up a good thing for sex. You don’t need to move a man in and risk your relationship with your kids and impact their future to get your leg over.
Thankfully it’s 2024 and you are free to have sex and not get married or procreate.
Once the DCs are grown and flown then maybe you will want some companionship, but even then protect your assets for them and firm up your will.

This has given me chills as I would love to have another child with a man like that you describe he pretended to be! If i waited ages to find out who he really is first I'll probably be too old to when a baby :-(
I think my ex will probably have a child with his new gf and she'll experience what you did.

What a bastard. I'm sorry this happened!!

I think just keep doing what you're doing
And be boundaries with men. Make a list of all the qualifies that a man would need to be good enough to enter their life and how long you'd need to be in a committed relationship with them first and stick to this. You'll only end up with a good guy, or being single, this way.

Don't think too far ahead about a man moving in etc. you'd only consider this if it was a great man that they knew well for a long time and if their life would get better if he moved in. You won't mindlessly move in every new boyfriend.

Don't let your fear of being like your own parent stop you having any kind of romantic life. You're child focused and not like them.

Bastard!

I remind myself I'll be the tender age of 45 when my daughter goes to uni, and the world will be my oyster.
I can wait 😆.

When my husband left for OW, my son was two. He was also undergoing diagnosis for autism. I made a decision early on to remain single. Part of it was because the absolute ordeal they put me through over a number of years meant that I was never ever going to put myself in that position again. I also didn't have family nearby to babysit and my eldest child went off to uni when my youngest was 5 so dating has never been possible anyway.

I have had several sexual relationships, one long term in a FWB arrangement but that was outside my home and only when my son saw his father. There were no overnights so it was just a few hours once a week I had to myself. Then ex and OW bought a house at the other end of the country and he dumped our son and hasn't been seen since. I would never ever risk putting my son through that sort of trauma again. I don't need anybody, I'm not interested in risking a relationship. I would not inflict it on my children. I've also seen the damage it does when kids have revolving "uncles" coming in and out. No thanks.

😀 it’s a nice life isn’t it? That’s lovely that your DD has such good, close men in her life. My DD doesn’t have any male role models (bar friends dads) but I make sure to point out all the lovely men we know & I guess if I bring her up to be nice & easy going but not put up with any shit then it will transfer onto her future relationships with boys/men.

When my DD leaves home, I’m going to watch box sets, I never, ever get chance to watch anything I want so I will thoroughly enjoy it. Them I’m going to go
out for lots of meals with my friends & do yoga!

Mine are almost all grown up now, but I have stayed single and don't regret it, I think it is the best decision personally. No changes and upheaval, no heartbreak if it doesn't work out, no risk to safety. Then I see what some friends and their kids have gone through with new partners and I definitely know I've made the right decision!

Yes, a good male role model would be nice, but what's the guarantee you will get that. And anyway I have lots of friends that my kids can watch as role models.

I never understood why people move their partners in and start having more children, I always feel sorry for the original children, I would have hated to be in a blended family, living with step parents and step siblings.
I am separated and have a young son, I did date one guy for a bit but kept it totally separate from my son. It will always just be me and my son, no man will ever live with us. I still would like to go on dates, have sex with someone but definitely not ever living with anyone again. I actually don't even like them staying the night to be honest! I prefer the bed to myself

You're a good parent. So many on here rush to 'blend' with some feckless man at the expense of their childrens' wellbeing.

Thinking about it, the sort of people who hate or make jokes about single mums are probably idiots who aren't worth knowing.

Op, you make perfect sense.

You have a happy home with contented secure children. That is a huge achievement. You are a great mum.

I'm a single mum too, have been for 14 years. In that time I've had one relationship, he didn't live with us and I was v discreet. But he still tried to come between me and ds, and so I dumped him.

I can wait. Ds will go to uni in two years, I can wait until then. 😊

YANBU at all.

I've remained single as well since 2015. One daughter and I have zero interest in blending. We have a lovely, peaceful home where she's thriving and I have no intention of tinkering with that.

The sex itch can be scratched separately.

I'm a widowed single mum and I didn't know there was lots of hate and jokes about single mums online. I was going to ask what people say but it would probably depress me so I won't. Why aren't single dads targeted too?
My dds are 17 and 20 and I do think it's been best for them that I've not rushed into dating and moving someone new in after we lost their dad.

I think your instincts are correct and I would stay single. Particularly for your ds if he's autistic, he'll really value the tight little unit with nobody else around.