To feel DD was just not ready for school

My DD is the youngest in her year & coped really well, she always played with older kids at nursery too though & I went back to work when she was 9 months so she was used to being away from me. I would schedule a proper meeting with the teacher before you make any decisions, it may be that she needs more support at school & I know my DDs school had a nurture group which really focused on feelings & wellbeing, maybe something similar would help? Also, I would lie to her & tell her you're going into the office for work- its a white lie but it might help her realise nobody is home having fun. Some kids just don't like school & struggle, but it can be made easier for her so ask for help if you need it. I would also try a reward chart, NOT for school behaviour but for home. Speak to school, they'll want her to be happy too.

I'm not sure pulling out and deferring is an easy option, but I would ask immediately if you're considering it - I think there's a cut off date in Oct, after which it's difficult to defer as they're officially on role (though not impossible).

But def look into part time options as you don't need permission for this under 5.

I dont think it's storing up problems at all, just taking a gentler approach which it sounds like she needs (if you can accommodate it).

Former reception teacher here - if you have concerns then book in for a proper meeting with the teacher so you can discuss things without being rushed.

Have you heard of post school restraint collapse? Something that both of my children had when they started school.

I'm sorry she's struggling - it's awful to see when you're a parent!

Could you do a reduced timetable? Just do mornings for five days or three full days a week? She doesn't have to legally be in school until she's 5.

This is really upsetting for you all. I really am not meaning to teacher-bash here but I am surprised that the teacher hasn’t taken this more seriously / devoted enough time to talk to you about it for you not to feel she was ‘in a rush’. Did you describe the problem to the teacher as you’ve described it here? My DS is in Y1 now but the reception teachers would have bent over backwards to help in this situation, even if very little of the impact was showing up within school.

Are you in a position where she could go part time until next year when school attendance is mandatory (unless formally home educated).

I’d be worried that pulling her out completely now would store up trouble for next year. .

Maybe it’s just an adjustment if she only did preschool for 6 months, 2 days a week and presumably with a long break over the summer holiday before starting school. I would arrange a meeting with the teacher ASAP, don’t wait for November. See what they say and go from there. Since she’s not compulsory school yet you do have options if you all agree she’s just not ready yet. They’re all different- my DS’s class has a spread from a deferred April born to a September who has started early.

Are you ensuring you are positive about school for your daughter OP?
I'd be saying oh mummy has a boring day today, boring jobs to do etc.

As a PP has said id worry if you pull her out now you will reinforce that school is bad and something she can say she doesn't want to do, when the reality is at some point she'll likely need to go.

Its quite unusual by 4 for children to find being with mummy all day better than getting to play with other children - genuinely having some experience myself spending time in early years 90% of the kids come in happily by October and its not especially the summer borns crying at the door. Is there nothing she likes about school at all that you can draw out and focus on?

My DD turned 4 in August. She has settled very well. We have had a few mornings when she has cried and refused to go in. I've brought her bed time forward by half hour and that's really helped.
I think my DD has settled because her school is on the same site as her nursery and she has friends she started with.
If it was me, I would ask to do half days. There are some children in DDs class that are doing part time. Maybe you could do half days and introduce some full days after Christmas.

This is all very normal. Some children cope better than others but I would stick it out. Especially as she’s fine at school. She will adjust. If you pull her out now you’ll likely have the same issues in the future imo!

I wouldn’t say this was normal. I was a late July baby and thrived at school, but perhaps she just isn’t ready (there was no choice back in my day).
The only problem is, if you have this problem next year, you can’t remove her from school and that might confuse her/make her even worse.

Maybe arrange a meeting with the teacher?

I think you need to talk to the teacher who is used to see different children going through stages. Tell her you're willing to defer DD IF that is what the teacher recommends. Some children take longer adapting. I was a Sahm and even if I made sure my DC played with other children I was always there for them if needed so starting school was traumatising for DS ND and hard for DS NT. It's really hard to go through as a parent but if they haven't had the separation process before they will have it later so at one point it would be hard. Didn't have the same problems at home though so your DD seems really distressed. I would ask for a meeting asap with school.

I would look at deferring. DD has just started reception, she is April born so not as young but still summer term and has coped well. Few issues with lunch but we have issues with food in the house as well so not surprised on that front.

She did attend the nursery in this school for 15 months before reception though. They did a very good transition and I think that's helped her so much.

Ok so it’s not like she has had no experience of being away from you and/or being in a pre school setting. I think I would come down on the side of taking her out, getting her back in to the same routine she has had before school if it’s possible?

It doesn’t sound normal to me OP but only have experience of one, September born child.
Has she done preschool or nursery before this?
Not sure about whether you should take her out or not. On the one hand, it would solve the immediate problem but then will she be even worse in a year’s time and will expect you to pull her out again but you won’t be able to??

I was an August baby and my life was a constant disaster zone until I was moved back. Then everything was great.

What have her nursery said? Mine had no change at all from nursery to school. Granted it was on the same site which definitely helped . My daughter was nearly 5 when she started but could easily have started the year before age 3!

Does your child have additional needs? Have they even been to nursery?

Poor thing 😥I definitely noticed a difference with my August born child compared to my other children who were already in school. She was only 4 and she was very, very similar to your daughter. Sometimes I wish I had deferred her but I think our situation was a bit different because she has always been like that a little. School just made it worse. She did eventually get used to school but it took her time and she's 9 and has been diagnosed with anxiety. She wants to finish primary school but we are thinking of home schooling her for secondary even though all my others are at secondary and love it.

I'd say maybe at least try to wait till November for parents evening. I don't really think deferring will help honestly. The same thing could easily happen again.

Aww bless her 😢 just 4 is so little and some do find school very difficult at first.

I would arrange a meeting with the teacher - don't wait for parents evening. This way, the teacher will have time to sit and talk through things with you.

Maybe see if they can accommodate a part time timetable for now. Perhaps just mornings, collect before lunch and then take her home. Gradually build up to full days.

It's not normal

But deferring may not fix it.

Did she go to nursery/play school?

If she has never had significant time away from you or other trusted caregivers (grandparents) then this can happen,

You can pull her out and start her again when she is at CSA age (i.e. 5 years old). Find the group Flexible Admissions for Summerborns on Facebook, lots of advice on how to do it.

You can still defer her if you think it’s the right thing to do! I have an end of August girl too, she’s ‘due’ to start school next year but we’ve just had agreement from the head to defer her and to start reception in 2026 instead, when she’s 5 and days old rather than 4 and days old.

It’s a very personal decision but if you think it’s the right thing you can still do it, speak to the head / local authority and decide what’s best for her and you.