To feel DD was just not ready for school

I deferred my August born son (due September and born early). He has absolute thrived at school however occasionally still struggles emotionally so can’t imagine what he would have been like at barely 4. While every child is different and you know your child best, I speak from experience that deferring was the best thing for him.

I can see you have arranged to speak with her teacher, definitely a good idea.

My youngest is a June baby, so I was worried about her starting, she also has low level SEN needs we think. We did consider deferring but ultimately decided against it, as she started school with a few good friends from the linked pre school. It did take a while for her to settle, but now in year 1, she is top of the class academically and loving school - it took time but she is thriving and I think would have been bored if we held her back.

If she can establish a couple of secure friendships that should really help her, can you arrange some playdates with 1 or 2 children from her class on a weekend so she can feel more comfortable?

You mentioned she misses being outside - most receptions have a large under cover outside area so children can be outside whatever the weather, does her school not have this? If not, maybe get involved with the PTA and look into funding this, it's so important. There should be very limited 'sitting time' at this stage, no longer than 15 min blocks for story time/phonics

God yes its so hard isn't it. There have been times I haven't kept my cool - this first 'I hate you and this family' I lost it slightly but we are all learning.
Its also a new chapter for parents to learn how to deal with their child's emotions and how to deal with the change in them becoming more independent etc.

I'm dreading the winter :( but will wrap up warm and take a flask of tea to the park lol.

I hope it gets better for you and sending some hugs for the hard times.

Just to say I have a Sept child and reception was a nightmare behaviour wise. He also attended nursery 5 days a week before so was use to longer days if anything. School is a massive step up for them no matter the age.
We have a few friends who really struggled with reception and drop off (even to breakfast club). Its not always just drop them off and happy as some people seem to think
My DS reception teacher told me that as parents we are our child's safe space. They may behave all day at school generally, hold in emotions and generally be seen as a perfect child but when they get home, all hell breaks loose. They see you as their safe space so feel they can display any behaviour and you still still love them as it should be.
Its bloody hard when you are in that moment though but her comments really have stuck with my since then. I can really tell at what point in a term the work steps up and when we are getting close to a half term or end of term.

It does get better. My DS is now Year 2 and behaviour at home tends to now start going down hill around the last week of term. I've learnt alot about how to manage him when he gets home from school etc. What makes it worse and what makes it better.
I find a good run around the park with friends after school is a good wind down from the day. We have activities 3 evenings a week and 2 weekend days. The physical aspect of activities helps loads in regulation from a hard week learning at school.

I would have deferred unless you were 100% sure she was ready, just turned 4 is so young to start school.

She could be missing the friends she made.

I would consider changing her school to the one attached to the Pre-School over deferring her as she may be the same next year. She’s been taken away from everything she’s ever known so it’s a really big adjustment for her, on top of just turning 4 bless her.

The other way to look at it - being the youngest means your dd will be one of the last to get her driver's licence, the last to be able to go out clubbing - she'll start to feel left out of activities. In age-based activities, they are the last to progress to the next levels, like in Beavers and Scouts. So many experiences where being the youngest is frustrating for them. They of course will survive but at the time they certainly aren't glad to be last.

Ds was born end of July - he cried every day for at least 30 minutes when he came home. It was heart-breaking. I didn't have a choice on differing him at the time. Socially he struggled too. I still regret his educational experience - he now tells me to forget it and move on but I feel he was failed by the system and it took a lot to get him back on track.

My DD is an August baby. She was in a kindergarten until the summer she turned 5 (3 long mornings a week) and then went straight into Y1 at 5 and a few days. It worked really well for her.
If your child is deeply unhappy I would definitely look at alternatives such as PT or retry next year. Doesn't benefit anyone to keep pushing her when she is clearly miserable at such a young age.

I’m a June child and to be honest I think I would have benefitted from starting school a year later.

My January born eldest was like this despite being one of the eldest in the year. Itt was overwhelming for her despite being in nursery 3 full days. It was the step in expectations. She was a cheeky little thing in nursery- ruling the roost with her friends and always in trouble. At school she was terrified of being told off.

Look up post restraint collapse, its most definitely a thing for some children. It's a sign that they are struggling. My 4yo was throwing things at us some night and lashing out. The other thing that happens is thry get tired towards the end of term - thry are on their knees after 6 weeks in school and desparate for a break

We kept things very quiet and undemanding at home for that first term. Got her home, snack and drink and time to chill. No extra clubs or big events on the weekend.

We also did loads of work on emiotion and feelings.

My summer born child wasn't like this but definitely found it physically more challenging - lots of falling asleep in the car/ on the sofa. The combination of young fir the year and feeling overwhelmed must be so hard for them.

I have to say my March born child is doing much better in reception than my three summer born children did. They weren't quite as affected as your DD but they were highly emotional and seemed to struggle to settle in more. It really does make a difference in the first couple of years I think. I would start off by speaking to the teacher, she may be able to make some small changes to help your dad settle in and it could be all she needs, they will be used to dealing with summer born children and know they need a bit more support than the older ones

She's so little! My DD was born in early September so had almost a year on her friend who was born the following August. It really makes a difference. I think we should adopt a more European model of Kindergarten until children are 6 or 7 but that's only my opinion.

Defer

Sorry for not quite understanding but if you defer does that mean your child will always be held back a year?? So when they should be in year 5, for example, they’re only year 4? And go to secondary school a year late, at 12 not 11? I’d try and persevere personally, I wouldn’t want my child to be singled out for being ‘a year behind’. I have a July born and now at 16 she would never have forgiven me for keeping her back a year!!

Just four is hard. I know schools/government want DC in school earlier and earlier but it doesn't suit every child. My son was September born and did not go to school until he was just short of five - but this is forty years ago! I was a teacher and I don't think 4 year olds should be in school. If you can defer, I would.

I suggest getting a copy of the book “The Highly Sensitive Child” by Elaine M Aron. I first discovered about being a HSP myself after reading her book for highly sensitive adults. I am an Introvert which most HSPs are, and your daughter may be an introvert too. The fact that you said she liked being with the Child minder but not pre-school makes me think your daughter’s “problems” may simply be caused by natural traits of Introversion and Sensitivity and therefore she is reacting normally to the mainstream system of school which is geared towards extroverts and those who have regular nervous systems.

Do you have the option to defer for a year, even though she’s started school now? If so, I would consider doing that as it sounds like she is really struggling. I mean it’s normal for reception children to be tired and sometimes a bit teary after school / in the evenings during the first term, but I think it sounds like she is beyond that level of upset. It may be that she just isn’t ready for school yet. Being one of the oldest in a school year can have huge benefits for children. Having said that my eldest is summer born, has always been the youngest in his school year but he was always fine both academically and in sports. He is smaller than most of his friends, but he is also almost a year younger than several of them. However he is at the top of his class academically and on all the school’s competitive sports teams, so being the youngest hasn’t negatively affected him at all. My youngest is one of the oldest in his school year, but there’s no difference between their ‘success’ at school really, and never has been. You know your own child best - I wouldn’t have deferred DS1 even if it had been an option back then to the extent it is now, but had he struggled then I absolutely would have done.

It may be too early to assess and in no way saying this is it, but because girls are overlooked and so not seen so often, please educate yourself on autism in girls and look for signs. Meltdowns at home can be autistic overloads from stress of masking all day at school plus sensory overloads.

so many clues in retrospect for my own child when I look back at primary school but it wasn’t until secondary (and private school whose SEND team actually cared, along with a supportive GP) that it was identified.

Defer op.

I know going back next year would have to be managed but it sounds like it would be worth it.

My son (July born) had a hard time in reception as he just couldnt sit and listen. It's ended up colouring his whole schooling as he just thought of himself as the naughty one, and the "dumb" (His word) one from week one. He is neither of these things but it affected his self esteem massively.

If I could go back, I'd defer. I tried to at the time, before he started, but it wasn't common then and i was dissuaded by the school.

Some of this could be normal starting reception behaviour.
I think pulling her out of school completely is quite drastic, why don't you set up a meeting with school and have a proper chat about it. They can tell you properly what she's like during the day and if she's coping with the learning.
They might be willing to let her go part time for a while so you can see if that improves things.
Of course if you still feel like deferring would be best after talking it through with the school then you can still do that.

My daughter started school and she has just turned 4. She did fine. Looking back at it now she is 17 it was far too early to start school. It did take her time to make friends and she didn't talk all day at school. I remember her year one teacher asking if there was anything was wrong. I nearly cried. She's doing great now and hàs lots of wonderful friends. Doing brilliantly academically. It took her until year 4 to make great friends but if I had my time again I wish I could have left her at home another year. They survive and it does work out but make home life exciting and fun. She'll come through it and she will fly

Defer definitely

We did and made it work childcare-wise

All 3 of my children have late summer birthdays... 2 are now at med school and doing well there, 1 is a human rights lawyer... all happy, all sailed through the state school system