Autistic parents who don’t like physical affection

I don't give a flying wingnut whether you feel empathy towards me as a child or not, that's entirely irrelevant to both of us - the potential consequences of not being hugged/deprived of touch, though, can be very relevant to a current situation with an adolescent girl whose mother says she makes her skin crawl.

I don’t think I’ve ever hugged my mum! 😂

I don’t hug my teen DD either.

It sometimes makes me feel like I’m in the wrong but then I have to remind myself that she’s not physically affectionate and forcing her to hug would be unfair to her.

I completely get where you’re coming from.

Its likely that she too is ND but just the opposite of you.

I used to work with an autistic girl who liked hugs and it was honestly relentless.
No amount of physical affection was ever enough!

I would just keep reinforcing boundaries and asking for a hug.
Its not good if she’s hugging you when you are cooking or carrying something hot.

If she can learn to ask for additional hugs then you can tell her that you can’t right now as you are cooking etc.

I’d have a routine of giving hugs at certain times eg before leaving the house and then try and get her to ask for additional ones.

You could also do things like snuggle on the sofa on a movie night.

I do think you should keep in mind that it’s likely she’s ND.

Does she have any pets?

Consensually.

I don't think it's that unusual for 11 yo and older to struggle a bit with thinking ahead about consequences. My DDs (15&16 and both NT) are very cuddly and being asked for a cuddle 8 times in an hour would be within normal variation here. If I'm busy they get told to think about what I'm doing and ask because they touch me. Then when they ask they get a long cuddle (following the Disney rules above). When sitting next to each other I'd always be cuddling one or both of them. DS is officially less keen on cuddles but he's always wanting to have playfights and holds my hands or drapes himself over me whole watching TV. So he gets as much physical contact, just disguised as less affectionate.

I think it sounds like you need to cuddle her more, maybe once an hour for a good hug that satisfies her. Would that help you if they were timed? With her brother there will probably be an element of playfighting. How upset is he when she is stopped from cuddling? If he's cheerful pretty soon afterwards I'd not worry too much, if he doesn't like it then you need to intervene and get her to stop.

FWIW if you are showing her lots of affectionate in other ways she'll be fine. I grew up in rural Scotland, people are old fashioned and historically didn't show .uch physical affection. But we always knew we were very loved.

It baffles me why you can’t understand that this child is most likely being overly affectionate because she isn’t getting that affection from the one person she wants it from.

Of course none of us are perfect parents, but most can meet their basic emotional and physical needs - the OP is sadly not able to do that.

Skin crawling from daughter touching her? How do people with such sensory issues have sex because that involves a lot of touching and holding?

She’s an adult and a huge part of parenting is sucking it up and putting your child first.
To deny a small child a hug is cruel. She will grow up and one day will be able to show affection in other ways but right now this is her language of love and won’t understand why mum is shoving her away.

Nasty people? What adults who understand the basics of how to raise a child and know they need affection on the most part?

@NeverDropYourMooncup if you want understanding and empathy for your childhood maybe you should try to show some to OP’s?

Not as pathetic as the multiple posters putting the boot in to op. Nasty little people.

There has been studies to suggest that hugging is important for physical health and emotional wellbeing.

Would it help to reframe a hug as something that achieves a purpose rather than something emotional? Can you look at it as similar to feeding your child, clothing them, keeping them clean etc

Maybe you could give a certain amount of cards out so she can request hugs?

I agree that she needs to understand toddler brothers boundaries but if the feelings of insecurity over hugging you are dealt with I suspect she will loose interest in hugging him all the time.

It might also be worth asking her why she hugs him. Is it possible she is worried he isn’t getting enough affection either?

www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/amp/entry/how-many-hugs-do-we-need-a-day_uk_64c8db6be4b021e2f2957950/

@SaltySallyAnne it’s not a basic fact though is it, OP isn’t totally adverse to showing her daughter affection. Her daughter has been pulled up on it at school and is doing it to her brother. Maybe she is overly affectionate rather than OP being to unaffectionate. & as I mentioned previously I’m sure there are ways OP’s parenting are superior to yours. None of us are perfect parents, you included.

I bet she doesn’t need to be told. Sadly she will know

Oh, you know me and about my childhood, then? Or didn't you think before you dismissed how a child who feels deprived of loving physical contact might respond to the first person who comes along that doesn't recoil or ration it to a duty hug four times a day?

How childish

Saying eww to a parent who wants to be affectionate with their young child. Pretty pathetic really

Being able to provide affection to our children is kind of superior parenting.

This child is showing in their actions they’re not getting enough affection. That is a basic fact. For the OP to think three transactional hugs is enough is shocking

OP, it might be a bit "young" for your daughter but we have an interactive book called calm down Boris, about a monster who loves kisses and affection but it drives people away.

There's a book called Speak up Susan which might be good for your youngest, about Boris' sister who needs to find her voice.

They're both good, young child friendly books about respecting boundaries and speaking up and having confidence in yourself and your boundaries.

Both books are by Sam Lloyd, and are lovely short bedtime story reads, if not also providing wonderful lessons.

Eww. They aren't cuddly toys.

I get that you find hugging unpleasant and uncomfortable but this is your child. We all make sacrifices for our children.
Let her hug you and hug her back. You should even be absorbing more hugs to stop her from hugging your other child so much if it is causing him distress. That's what parents do. They protect, care and look after their children, sometimes to their own detriment.

Literally dozens.

Also with an autistic parent the chance of ND is incredibly high! I’d be very surprised if she was NT from how she is described.

People keep forgetting she’s not a 3 year old, she’s 11. Has no one here ever been touched out? Can you not remember how that feels?

I have an autistic son who is a sensory seeker and he can be INTENSE. Strong, strangley type hugs that last a long time and not at appropriate moments. I can see where the op is coming from. I agree with creating a social story and talking about this with her when she is calmer and not in a hugging mood.

Is the SEN department good at her school? They could write her a social story. It would have her name and say "DD loves cuddling. Cuddles make her feel happy and warm inside. Sometimes people don't like cuddles as much as DD. Too many cuddles make them feel uncomfortable inside." etc. Or would you and her be happy with having a timed cuddle each day. Say 10-15 minutes when she gets home having a big squeeze and then say okay cuddle times over until bed time! Make it an event?
Sorry if this isn't helpful, it's hard to know what will work with neurodiverse children.

👏 people really need to listen to this, there are so many discriminate posts and opinions on here, some of you should be ashamed of yourselves.

Please don’t tell her you don’t like hugs.