Autistic parents who don’t like physical affection

• It’s the way her child wants to be shown affection.

as a parent your child’s needs come first

really not rocket science*

What is the child needed to pull her hair? Or bite/mouth on her arm? Or be picked up past the age OP could safely pick them up? Or body slam her (I actually know a kid who does that)?

Do the child's needs come first then?

You might say it's bot the same because those are painful/uncomfortable/hurtful things. Guess what? Hugs can be exactly the same for people with autism. Literally painful, especially if unaware or in sensory overload.

Jesus Christ it gets worse.

Too busy to provide affection to your children

Do you honestly believe that this child would still ask 15 times for a hug in an hour if they had one, nice, fulfilling hug at the start of that hour?

like banging my head against a wall i give up. I would duck out if I were you op.

She’d have probably stopped at one if it was fulfilling. This is a child showing they have needs not being met.

Luckily she does hug her then, just not constantly! It’s not rocket science to realise there can be a middle ground between absolutely no hugs ever and constant hugs, especially if someone has a disability which makes hugging difficult for them.

I have a sensory seeking hugger too and I sympathise @Nezuko22 I am very touch tolerant but sometimes I get pushed past my ability to regulate, and it must be very hard if you’re touch avoidant to start with.

In dd’s case, I was a sling wearing, co-sleeper and she’s had enormous amounts of affection over the years. She’s 15 now It’s definitely not a lack of touch driving this. But when things are difficult her need for mum hugs ramps up, to the point where she’s under my feet everytime I turn around, between me and whatever I’m reaching for, or hovering at the bathroom door when I’m gone for a pee.

I try and give her focused attention and time together in other ways - sitting together watching a show, doing some deep pressure activity together (calisthenics is a current favourite). I would seriously consider getting her.a dog but that’s not an option with my other dc.

Have you got a good “sensory diet” worked out for yourself? The better regulated you are, the higher your resilience will be. Reduce as many other sensory pressures as possible. If you can afford it, or access it, a joint session with an occupational therapist could be very helpful.

@SaltySallyAnne

My eldest is the complete opposite and is trying to hug and kiss us constantly. And I really do mean constantly, she’s been home for 2 hours and she’s tried to hug and kiss me 15 times.

I dont think 15 times in 2 hours is a ‘normal amount.’ My middle daughter is extremely cuddly and loves kisses and probably asks me 4/5 times a day for a cuddle/kiss. Coupled with the fact this is not OP’s experience as a child/adult with affection and she struggles it’s hardly hard to see why she’s finding it difficult to navigate. She loves her daughter and is already making time to give her the affection she needs. You just really need to stop being so judgmental and making it out to be catastrophic.

I don't know what's "normal," and doubt there is such, but my DS aged 11 and I hug about 4 times a day. That's on a school day, i.e. we're apart most of the day. On a weekend it's probably a lot more (I'd not thought about it until reading this post).

We also lie in a cuddle watching tv and I read to him at bedtime, also in a cuddle.

I think I'd find it really annoying if he ran at me continually making kissing sounds. I would probably assume it was code for wanting more affection or listening/engaging, though, too.

It sounds a bit like the regression some 10 year olds go through when they start talking in baby noises. Isn't there a name for it? Perhaps due to being at an age of transition, being a bit scared of growing up and the next stage of distancing from parents, so wanting more affection and babying?

Of course. But I can safely say I’ve never said no to cuddles, affection or love.

My daughter will never have the feeling that her mum doesn’t want to cuddle her. She will never sit and wonder or worry that she makes my skin crawl.

It’s the way her child wants to be shown affection.

as a parent your child’s needs come first

really not rocket science

Nothing said by OP so far has suggested affection. Just obligation.
Some of the comments may seem harsh but if it prevents her repeating the pattern of duty hugs with her toddler then it will be worth it.

My thoughts too, the input gives her something she's after, hugs aren't just affection and touch they're also tight and can give pressure.

I have 3 Autsitc kids @Nezuko22 and am very firm on siblings, no touching or hugging if they don't want it. No means no in our house. However I do give hugs when I'd rather not. All touched out, lots of sensory issues and could happily not be touched by anyone ever again. You could try something like a weighed blanket with her, wrap her in it then hug, it's less touch input for you, more pressure for her. Two of my DC like having teddies or toys piled on them, gives attention and input without actually touching. Being rolled up in a blanket and hugged them you roll them backwards and forwards. These aren't things I use to avoid hugs, but things my DC like that give them similar types of sensory input. LO could help you get things to put on her if she likes this, make it a game.

None of My family ever hugged me and it still makes me sad how unwanted I always felt.

Some people do not understand ND.

And some posters will do anything to twist things around to attack the OP.

You have not said that you refuse to hug your child.

Your child is just over the top when it comes to physical affection and you are struggling with it, which anyone would be.

Perhaps if it was their DH constantly trying to kiss and hug them whilst they were trying to get ready or cook etc they would understand a bit more.

She is denying physical touch. She is rationing it. She is not providing the amount of touch her child wants, which isn’t an abnormal amount either

I hug my 13 yo ds about 1 million times a day.

It used to be closer to 10 million so I've really pulled back as he's grown.

She is 11, not a small child. Op says ‘She pins down the toddler who is quite a lot like me and I have to tell her off for forcing kisses on him when he’s screaming no.’ Do you think she is being cruel for telling her off because her daughter wants to kiss the toddler? Or should her daughter learn that people have boundaries and she needs to respect them?

@NeverDropYourMooncup

Oh, you know me and about my childhood, then? Or didn't you think before you dismissed how a child who feels deprived of loving physical contact might respond to the first person who comes along that doesn't recoil or ration it to a duty hug four times a day?

Well this post makes it seem as if you do want people to understand/empathise. For what it’s worth I do empathise with your childhood (not that you give a flying wingnut, I know.) But I empathise with OP as well.

Yes, nasty people. She’s giving her child affection. Hugs are not the only way to show affection.

I haven't read the full thread but I think OP is getting a little bit of a hard time here.

For people commenting I think it's difficult to understand what growing up in an environment with no physical contact feels like. My mum and dad have never hugged me once in my life.

I have a 6 year old who is an extremely huggy child and sometimes it is really too much bit I know how important it is and do "suck it up" sometimes.

But I also try to set boundaries with her and explain that you shouldn't hug people who don't want to be hugged.

I think there is a middle ground here of giving her more physical contact which she seems to need but also letting her know that her behaviour with her brother is not acceptable. Eleven is old enough to understand this.

@SaltySallyAnne it baffles me that you’re so sure you’re right about everything based on a post on mumsnet 😂 you’re just assuming everything because it doesn’t feel ‘normal’ to YOU, or because it’s pulling on your emotional heart strings. 🎻 OP is not denying her child any physical touch she is saying she finds the amount her daughter wants a bit much sometimes. Those are 2 completely different things, now maybe the thought of not wanting to hug your child ever is abhorrent to you but people are all different!