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AIBU?

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Original poster

Autistic parents who don’t like physical affection

331 replies

Nezuko22 · 15/10/2024 17:51

How do you cope?

My eldest is the complete opposite and is trying to hug and kiss us constantly. And I really do mean constantly, she’s been home for 2 hours and she’s tried to hug and kiss me 15 times. I don’t mind a hug and a kiss before going somewhere and before bed but she’s quite forceful about it. She pins down the toddler who is quite a lot like me and I have to tell her off for forcing kisses on him when he’s screaming no. She runs at ne making kissing noises and it honestly makes my skin crawl. I’ve had words with her to reassure that I live her but I just don’t want to be harassed for this sort of physical touch constantly and that she needs to respect people boundaries if they say no. She’s 11 btw. Does anyone else have any experience of this?

OP posts:
SaltySallyAnne · 15/10/2024 22:06

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GraySweatpants · 15/10/2024 22:06

Probably not helpful but is there any chance that you’re Asian OP? Because I’m Asian and I was raised with little to no affection especially after primary school.

I honestly have no problem with it and thought it was normal until I met my British DH and saw how his family shows affection with each other. I can show affection but it has to be when I am feeling it. I do get annoyed when DH hugs me when I’m cooking dinner for example. So no advice really but I do understand x

Original poster
Nezuko22 · 15/10/2024 22:06

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lol that’s a bit rich coming from you.

OP posts:
Imjustlikeyou · 15/10/2024 22:06

@SaltySallyAnne

Who does the laundry and cleaning whilst their kids are around anyway.

Literally everyone? 😂

Jimmyneutronsforehead · 15/10/2024 22:05

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Trouble with inertia, and executive function go hand in hand with autism so that snide comment was pretty ableist and ignorant but I hope you feel better for letting every one know you're the worlds best mum and also a bit of a dick.

Original poster
Nezuko22 · 15/10/2024 22:05

SaltySallyAnne · 15/10/2024 22:04

Of course, why does cuddling for hours mean that doesn’t get done?

Who does the laundry and cleaning whilst their kids are around anyway.

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some of us don’t get time away from our kids to do the laundry and cleaning

OP posts:
TinkerTiger · 15/10/2024 22:05

saveforthat · 15/10/2024 18:58

I don't understand how you can not want to hug your daughter.

Same. Why have children if you don’t like physical
affection Confused

SaltySallyAnne · 15/10/2024 22:05

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SaltySallyAnne · 15/10/2024 22:04

NowImNotDoingIt · 15/10/2024 22:01

As to how we find time, when I get home from work I spend hours cuddling DD. Because I’m a good parent first.

Does she not need food, clean clothes, homework, a tidy/cleanish house, sleep ar a decent time etc?

Of course, why does cuddling for hours mean that doesn’t get done?

Who does the laundry and cleaning whilst their kids are around anyway.

Original poster
Nezuko22 · 15/10/2024 22:03

loropianalover · 15/10/2024 22:00

You sound very overwhelmed OP. Are you finding the physical affection too much on top of daily life/housework? Do you feel behind in things? Your reaction to people here is very strong, calling people bitch etc. Might be time to regroup with yourself and see what can change, hopefully this isn’t the energy that comes out at home?

Yes I am overwhelmed but if you look at the posts I’m replying to on here it’s probably not too hard to see why I’m reacting the way I am.

OP posts:
SaltySallyAnne · 15/10/2024 22:03

Mirrrors · 15/10/2024 21:59

From the sounds of it, yes. You’re being deeply unpleasant all over this thread and it’s not painting you in a nice light at all. You very clearly have no understanding of autism and not one of your comments has been helpful. Perhaps instead of continuously giving op a kicking you should take some time to reflect on your behaviour and maybe learn to be quiet if you have nothing of use to add to a thread.

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Considering I’m married to an autistic man I have a pretty good understanding.

He also finds physical affection difficult but for DD he will do anything to ensure her happiness. Not all autistic parents struggle with providing the emotional care children need to feel safe and secure.

I have added techniques that work for us, funnily enough I have a child who doesn’t need to ask for hugs all the time, the OP does. Wonder which method works…

Original poster
Nezuko22 · 15/10/2024 22:02

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You stand around cooking and tidying with your arms wrapped around your daughter? Don’t think im the one who needs therapy love.

OP posts:
ItsTheGAGGGGGGGGG · 15/10/2024 22:02

Are people missing the part where the OP has Autism herself? Many, many Autistic people can get overstimulated quite easily especially when it comes to sensory related interactions.

OP, my daughter has Autism and loves hugging me, touching me, squeezing herself in between my legs. I get so touched out, I can’t cope with it all. Just keep reiterating that you also need your space and make sure to hug her as much as you can

LostTheMarble · 15/10/2024 22:02

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You are very much crossing the line into ableism in your replies. Beyond shocking you’ve suggested someone who has sensory processing difficulties shouldn’t have children to start with…

NowImNotDoingIt · 15/10/2024 22:01

As to how we find time, when I get home from work I spend hours cuddling DD. Because I’m a good parent first.

Does she not need food, clean clothes, homework, a tidy/cleanish house, sleep ar a decent time etc?

SaltySallyAnne · 15/10/2024 22:00

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loropianalover · 15/10/2024 22:00

You sound very overwhelmed OP. Are you finding the physical affection too much on top of daily life/housework? Do you feel behind in things? Your reaction to people here is very strong, calling people bitch etc. Might be time to regroup with yourself and see what can change, hopefully this isn’t the energy that comes out at home?

Mirrrors · 15/10/2024 21:59

SaltySallyAnne · 15/10/2024 21:50

Do you honestly believe that this child would still ask 15 times for a hug in an hour if they had one, nice, fulfilling hug at the start of that hour?

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From the sounds of it, yes. You’re being deeply unpleasant all over this thread and it’s not painting you in a nice light at all. You very clearly have no understanding of autism and not one of your comments has been helpful. Perhaps instead of continuously giving op a kicking you should take some time to reflect on your behaviour and maybe learn to be quiet if you have nothing of use to add to a thread.

Imjustlikeyou · 15/10/2024 21:59

@Nezuko22 no of course not. All Saltys kid needs is a 4 hour snuggle and they can go without food and water for a week.

Talulahalula · 15/10/2024 21:59

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I work full-time and am a single parent, and if a child asks for a hug, they get one, but dinner needs to be made and clothes washed etc. so actually I am balancing multiple demands. If DC is upset, or had a bad day, then of course they come first, but affection comes in many ways. We go for walks, go swimming, go to the gym whatever, but hours cuddling when there is also housework, homework, life admin etc to do?
There comes a certain point where one’s children need to know that your time also matters, and that you do still love them but x, y and z also needs to be done.

Original poster
Nezuko22 · 15/10/2024 21:58

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So your kids don’t need feeding, washing, a tidy house to live in etc? Right ok.

OP posts:
MrsForgetalot · 15/10/2024 21:56

@Nezuko22 you might be better asking this either in the SN chat section or in the neurodiverse section.

SaltySallyAnne · 15/10/2024 21:56

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SaltySallyAnne · 15/10/2024 21:55

NowImNotDoingIt · 15/10/2024 21:53

  • It’s the way her child wants to be shown affection.

as a parent your child’s needs come first

really not rocket science*

What is the child needed to pull her hair? Or bite/mouth on her arm? Or be picked up past the age OP could safely pick them up? Or body slam her (I actually know a kid who does that)?

Do the child's needs come first then?

You might say it's bot the same because those are painful/uncomfortable/hurtful things. Guess what? Hugs can be exactly the same for people with autism. Literally painful, especially if unaware or in sensory overload.

They’re not the same. The fact this is what you’ve had to resort to, to try and claim some sort of point is telling.

If a child wanting basic affection ‘hurts’ you, don’t have children

Nezuko22 · 15/10/2024 21:53

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