Autistic parents who don’t like physical affection

@SaltySallyAnne you really are being a bitch on this thread! Just because the OP has a different love language to you doesn't mean she deserves the vitriol you are throwing her way, go and have a word with yourself you nasty person!!
@Nezuko22 both my DC are autistic, my eldest can be quite huggy but HATES kisses, she's 9 and fully understands that kisses are how I show love, I ask her first and she can say no and I blow her a kiss instead. My youngest is constantly on me all the time! I'm his climbing frame, trampoline, all singing all dancing play machine! He loves a snuggle but at 4 he understands that sometimes mummy is busy and it's a no. I'm not ASD so I don't have the sensory overwhelm that you have but I sometimes struggle and just need space and to bloody breathe! At 11 she is more than old enough to understand boundaries and pinning her siblings, the issues with friends at school and constantly jumping/grabbing you is not ok. She needs to learn it's not your love language and to ask permission, in the first instance say yes as often as you can whilst confirming your love language in the interim, ie I love playing with your hair and you playing with mine and it makes me feel loved, I love you. Then once permission is established you can say yes less often to a level you can cope with. Permission doesn't need to be asked or granted for the welcome/goodbye hugs.
It might also be a good idea to name the hugs, a quick one, a tight one, a squeezy one, a long one etc and then she can ask for the specific hug and you can either say yes or counteroffer with a different hug if you are sensory overloaded and can't manage what she has asked for.
I'm sorry you've had a hard time by some posters, I get it and YANBU

I have a very sensory seeking affectionate dc, over the years we found a dog definitely helped to met their needs alongside us parents.

I see Sallys comments have crossed the line into full blown ableism now and will hopefully be removed soon. What a fucking embarrassment.

Clearly when her arms aren't tied up being wrapped around her precious darling, they've got a mind of their own writing hateful and ignorant comments.

Perhaps when her darling child is in bed she should redirect her arms towards her husband, that way she wins best wife and mother of 2024 award and we won't have to put up with such small minded commenters. Seems like a win win to me.

Unless her husband doesn't like physical affection...

This is fucking painful, and pointless.

Arguing with a pigeon springs to mind.

No, thankfully.

😂 Your poor husband & daughter. All those cuddles aren’t going to make up for having a small minded mother.

Have you ever attended adult literacy classes to help with your comprehension? I think you should because I don't think the OP has said that she's not willing to do anything. I think the OP has asked for ways to manage this that don't disable her, you know, because of her disability.

I don't think being in the throes of autistic burnout and extremely disabled by the disability is going to be much help to her or her DD either, so perhaps use some of your comprehensive skills to come up with better solutions?

And? You’ve met one autistic person, you have insight into one autistic person. The way you’ve spoken to the op absolutely suggests you have no clue about the condition in general. People like you are worse than those who have zero awareness of ASD and how it presents, at least they can plead ignorance. You haven’t been giving tips, you’ve been ripping the OP apart at any given opportunity whilst smugly going on about your very narrow experience.

That’s a no on the self reflection then. Op, I think the best thing to do is ignore this person- let them make a fool of themselves on their own. Feel sorry for her husband honestly

FOUR HUGS A DAY! Omg. I’m a nanny and pretty affectionate with the children in my care and they get and give lots of hugs, sometimes in just an hour!

You know that there is a whole world between 4 hugs and say and ‘hours of snuggling’, right?

This is so sad to read.

Poor child. She’s obviously feeling insecure.

I’ve got an 11 yr old. She gets a hug whenever she wants- it’s a couple of seconds. I kiss her at night and if she wants when she leaves me in the mornings. When we watch TV we snuggle on the sofa sonetimes for a couple of hours. I also hug friends, relatives, sister etc very regularly. I think this is a normal level of hugging.

I am no expert but is there any chance you could fake it until you make it? How do you deal with other things you find difficult but know you have to do. Is there any therapy you can access? Could she maybe talk to someone? TBH it does sound as though she’s got a need somewhere which is not being met and I think you need to work out what it is and whether with support you can meet it. I don’t think things should go on as they are.

@SaltySallyAnne the only person that agrees with you, is you. Do you cook her dinner when she’s in bed too? Or do birds come swooping in your window singing whilst you bake and she’s tucked neatly in your apron pocket 😂

I get it OP.
I'm the same with receiving hugs, if i have to hug someone I make it quick before they can hug me back..I like giving the hug if that makes sense. I can give my kids a hug comfortably and they are fine to sort of snuggle into me but i cringe at being squeezed and grabbed by surprise.

My kids and I are aware of each others non verbal cues when needing or wanting to avoid affection.
One of my kids also hates hugs so we do a sort of squeeze and back pats but thats on their terms, they will literally tell me when they need it.fv.
v

I'm not sure if ive missed it, but is your daughter wanting to hug or be hugged?

I saw you said she is not autistic so do you think this could be a sensory issue (dont have to be autistic to have sensory issues)
perhaps she has a little anxiety and needs reassurance or maybe she just enjoys the sensory feedback from squeezing/being squeezed etc

I wonder if there might be a possibility of adhd and that this is an impulsive behaviour where she is just so overwhelmed with lovely feelings and doesnt know how else to express them.

or ive just thought of this but do you think you naturally show the toddler more affection and she could be a bit jealous.

Mine also enjoys cooking with me; with lots of cuddles in between tasks.

It’s really not hard to provide children with the emotional warmth they need and deserve.

Oh wow, sorry. You’ve got an autistic husband so obviously you know everything about any situation in an ND family. Thank you for tearing yourself away from your hours long cuddling sessions to come berate the op for her own situation! Obviously when a method works for your specific family, it works for absolutely everyone.

I don’t know one person IRL who doesn’t do that when their kids are in bed. When they’re home and awake it’s time to spend with them. Not doing chores

Most people who work, will have to tidy, cook etc when their children are around. And that's not always a bad thing, my daughter enjoys cooking with me, we work together to tidy as she opens up and chats better when doing tasks. It's called ....multitasking