Autistic parents who don’t like physical affection

Please ignore the militant OP attackers, OP. This place is riddled with them these days. They find one perceived weakness in a poster and they will purposely misunderstand or reframe whatever you’re saying to justify their continuous attack on you. It makes them feel better for some reason. It’s a real shame though because it means that almost every thread is derailed and rendered useless by their dogged attention seeking.

I'm sorry to hear that NeverDropYourMooncup
That resonates in some ways with me.
In my case, both parents too busy and a horrible narcissistic mother. Lack of affection caused a lot of damage indeed.
I also tried to get love from teachers, neighbours, anyone really.

As you describe, once you barely hit your teenage years, you start craving attention from men, anyone is good, and you have no boundaries.

OP sorry I can't sympathise because I was that child asking for hugs and attention, it destroys you in ways you cant imagine.
If your poor daughter doesn't get it from you she will try to get it somewhere else. I would look for therapy rather than asking in a public forum how many kisses and hugs are normal. When I read "my skin crawls" I was wondering if my mother felt that. Not that I want love or attention from her anymore.

Edit to add my own children get cuddles and kisses all the time, (2 teens and one pre-teen).

That’s not what the OP is saying, at all. Everyone has a limit and some people are touched out more quicker than others. I get very overstimulated when my daughter constantly demands a hug or wants to touch just for the sake of it. It can actually feel physically exhausting to me after about 20 hugs in the space of 2 hours

100 times if I could. I am probably like your daughter tbh I’m always asking the kids for cuddles. My kids cuddles make everything all ok… and I’m an adult saying that imagine what a cuddle feel likes to a child. My daughter gets morning kiss and cuddle, after school cuddle, bed time cuddle, if we are watching tv we will cuddle, cuddles just because I feel like it. She often comes down and asks for a cuddle. She’s a teen btw.

At 11, I do think she is old enough to start thinking about other people. I would have a conversation with her about all the ways people can show they love each other. Then you both pick, say, your three favourite and your least favourite. If there is something which one person loves but the other doesn’t, talk about how we have to respect that and not demand it all the time. But equally, we want to make sure we do show love in other ways as much as possible.

Then make a plan together.

How can you possibly write such a load of presumptuous garbage, with such confidence, based on the little information you have?! It’s laughable.

@Mirrrors 😂😂 she was an utter horror. But you could tell she lost it a bit at the end 🙌🏻 so unmotherly.

This video about consent for kids might be helpful.

Autistic parent here with autistic/AuDHD kids, and I also understand the getting "touched out". DS1 wasn't keen on hugs or kisses, but DS2 needed much more physical closeness. It could get tough at times.

Things that helped.
Working on my own sensory regulation when I felt overstimulated and overwhelmed or drained.
OT helped us with a sensory diet for DS2 to help with sensory seeking.
Alternative ways of connecting - snuggling up on the sofa under a weighted blanket and reading a favourite book/watching one of his comfort shows for example.
AutPlay therapy helped with teaching him about consent before touching people (as there were issues with him hugging other kids who didn't like it). It was also a safety issue, we wanted to ensure he wouldn't just go off with anyone who was affectionate to him, and that he understood what was appropriate and inappropriate touch (either towards him or him touching others)
Time with his DGM, who found DS2 much more amenable than DS1 because of his affectionate nature and was more than happy to cuddle him all day!

Interestingly, DS1 is very self contained and DGM found him aloof and hard to connect with. I used to often meet parents in my job who complained about their autistic kids disliking physical contact, and that was always seen as much more "normal" by my colleagues than those who struggled with their children wanting constant physical contact/reassurance. It is a bit taboo, but many parents do struggle with it and because of how it's seen (as illustrated by some of the very mean comments on this thread) it's hard for people to open up about. But you're really not alone, and I'm sorry to see yet another thread on here with vile comments about autistic people.

She’s off for an hour long hug 😂 maybe she’ll have time to mock her husband for being autistic after. What an awful woman.

Or maybe she has name changed @pinkstripeycat 😂

@SaltySallyAnne shes gone poof ✨

Oh also I agree you need to tackle the hugging the toddler. With my dd it's brought about the consent topic very clearly. I'm frequently firmly telling her toddler doesn't like it and she can't force him as it's his body he doesn't have to hug if he doesn't want to. Forever saying listen to the sound he's making he's not happy stop. Look at his face that's not a happy face you have to stop. I then have to say come hug me instead half the time as she's seeking and needs the contact from someone

I'm from a culture that doesn't hug. We're fine.

Have you heard of the five love languages? It sounds like fluff, but as an autistic person I found the concept helpful. These "languages" refer to how people express and feel love. They are

• words of affirmation
• quality time
• receiving gifts
• physical touch
• acts of service

Which of these do you most relate to? You might be happiest showing your love by words of affirmation - showering people with compliments, for example, or you may feel most loved when your daughter spends quality time with you, buys you gifts from her pocket money, or brings you a drink when you are sick.

You have to accept that she probably needs lots of physical touch to feel loved. Instead of trying to change her, you will have to find ways to be more comfortable with her.

She also needs to accept your your love language too, as relationships are a two-way street.

So I would tell her about the different love languages, and ask her which she thinks hers is. Then explain what yours is and give her some examples of how you show your love for her. Ask her to show her love for you by doing things that make you feel loved. Give her realistic examples of things she does that help you feel loved. If she has some positive ways to react, the hugging might be a little less intense going forward.

Here is a link about the book - the title suggests it is about romantic relationships but it is applicable to any personal relationships.

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Five_Love_Languages

Good luck 🤞

This thread has got a bit horrible! I’m very much of the opinion that if a child wants a hug, you hug them. However, this doesn’t justify the insults and ableism the OP is currently receiving. What’s wrong with some of you? This surely cannot be how you behave in real life?!

OP I've found mumsnet is not kind to us autistics so try not to let the comments from those who don't understand get to you.

I agree with those who said this could be sensory seeking. Look into compression vests, weighed blankets etc and see if that can reduce the need for you to meet that sensory need.

My autistic dd is a hugger. I could cope with the hugs maybe but she's a fidgety hugger it's not pleasant for me. You do have to remember this is a child though and saying you love them doesn't fully counter how it feels to be physically rejected. People are being unkind making this point but it is valid. I suggest finding yourself a stim to help you cope. I click my toes and rub my lips and will intentionally start these stims before the hugging becomes too much just to make sure I can endure more of it/longer hugs.

With the kissing is it because it's wet that's the problem? I've bluntly told my kids I can't stand wet kisses, bless him my son will wipe his lips before he kisses me. I'm fine with them kissing my clothes so I get a lot of shoulder kisses too. And I make sure I kiss them (their hair/top of head) a lot so they get the affection.

Ultimately though we need to shoulder through. We are the adults they are the kids. If someone has to sacrifice it needs to be us. My mother was shit in many ways, failed me in many ways, I did think I'd forgiven her and accepted she tried her best and is likely autistic herself but then I became a mother myself and my forgiveness evaporated. We need to meet our children's needs even when it's a sensory nightmare for us. We can stim and sensory seek in other ways so we have the tolerance or to recover after. We have that understanding where they do not. If we fail them as kids they live with the consequences all their life, whereas if we force ourselves through the discomfort it's only during their childhood which actually flies past very fast it's not forever!

Some of these posts are nuts! OP don't listen to them, some people are mega huggers, some are not. It doesn't sound like you're out of normal range either! Your daughter will just have to learn you show her love in different ways. And over hugging someone esp toddler is not ok. Your job is to teach. And be firm, "ok off you go". All the posters saying you need to hug more are likely raising nightmare children who don't know boundaries and will grow up as horrible entitled brats,

Does your husband know you go online and tell autistic people that it’s no wonder they’re seen as intellectually disabled because they struggle with sensory issues? You need to stop giving out your pointless and poisonous thoughts and work on yourself. Maybe think about that during your several hour long cuddle sessions where you’re not doing any house work at all.

Emotionally abusing her daughter for not constantly hugging her. You really are scraping the barrel now.

It's a shame because I'd love for her to experience those kinds of hugs where you're just laid down minding your business and your kid decides to do an aerial drop in knee first to the crotch seen as she's so desperate to make sure every physical touch bid for attention is met with nothing but love and adoration.

It's a shame she'll never know that kind of connection.