Autistic parents who don’t like physical affection

That's not really the issue. OP's been very articulate and clear on her own needs or, rather, what she needs her daughter not to do. Unfortunately, the daughter is a child, for whom the message "I can't stand you hugging me" is undoubtedly harmful.

If she's been getting that message - non-verbally but kids aren't stupid - since the age of three or thereabouts, it'll be deeply embedded and she'll be feeling a cavernous deficit. Explaining that you need her help is just another way of telling her to suck it up, so please don't.

I know you said your baby's quite hug-averse, OP, which must be something of a relief to you! Toddlers need fairly constant attention, though, much of which involves touch. I agree on the probability of DD's feeling all the more deprived by comparison. If he doesn't want her hugs either, it's all adding up to an immense burden of rejection.

I enjoyed the Disney hug idea above.

If you agreed with PPs about bringing DD to a psychologist, I would hope you'd approach it not from a "what's wrong with her" point of view, but more of a "how can we fix our relationship?"

@Nezuko22 I'm feeling really upset for you because I think very few people here actually have a clue about autism. If this was an autistic child you were talking about , they would be droning on about boundaries. I'm not sure if there's a forum here for ND parenting but maybe someone knows if there is. AIBU isn't your safe place here. And I can see how upset this is making you. I've no practical advice as I don't have experience in your situation but definitely come off AIBU. You don't deserve to be attacked.

I think there's two issues really, her wanting the hugs and kisses from you more on her terms (rather than yours), which I think is understandable given everything you've said, and the fact you don't get to spend an awful lot of time with her in the evenings, so she has to concentrate her efforts in a small space of time which becomes overwhelming for you.

But is it possible that she's learnt from how you are that if she keeps trying and trying to hug and kiss you then you will eventually relent and hug/kiss her back? Is that what happens? If so it may have set a precedent that if she constantly tries she will get a lot of 'fails' but she may eventually get a 'win'? Could that explain why she keeps trying and trying with other people too, she craves it and is repeating the behaviour that works on you?

A bit like a child constantly asking for sweets and being told no, because the know if they go on about it enough you might just give in and let them have some.. they learn it's worth going on about it constantly because the will eventually get what they want?

A woman said to my dad I should not be getting anymore hugs at the age of 9. He told that a baby wants a hug an adult wants a hug even an elderly person needs a hug. Her face turned into a tomato. My son loves hugs and kisses from me but his dad is a lot like the op he's not into affection. This is an interesting thread.

Of course I hug my mum and my dad. What kind of question is that, for heaven's sake? Do you think there's an age limit on affection? I hug my adult siblings too.

Your DD's not getting her needs met. She needs help learning appropriate boundaries for hugging others, but she is clearly very much in need of more physical reassurancer than the OP is giving her.

The OP said she gives her daughter FOUR hugs a day and feels it’s more than enough. I stand by what I said.

Also, the OP’s title literally says she doesn’t like physical affection.

Sorry but I feel this is a you problem not a her problem and as her parent you have to try and suck it up. As awful as it is for you imagine your daughter knowing that hugging her made your skin crawl. I understand that’s something you can’t help but that’s still so sad for her.

She's eleven so learning to read other people's boundaries is important.

I would cuddle her and reciprocate a couple of times after school then gently say - No, I've had enough hugging for a bit. I'm huggable again at bed time. And be quite firm about her listening to her siblings and their control over their own bodies.

Ideas:

Give your your daughter a cat.
Give your daughter a dog to care for.
Have a few prized snuggle toys in her bedroom and also in the TV room so she can cuddle an alternative to her siblings easily.

My son had a class mate like this and she, as a teenager, had to have specific instruction, and a few times with a professional, before she learnt socially acceptable ways to touch others..or not

kiss n hug-any time they want-sometimes when sleeping...Never "no"

At the risk of being politically incorrect or whatever it's called now: suck it up. Being a parent is about putting your child's needs before your own preferences, and she isn't asking for something that will harm you. (And yes, if she was touch-avoidant and you yearned for hugs I would tell you the same).

As others have said, if she seeks her parents' touch and doesn't get it, she will find it somewhere else where she shouldn't.

I completely understand. We’re a ND family and range from those who do not want to be touched, to those who have no physical boundaries and crave constant physical contact. It’s difficult to find a balance.

My eldest daughter wants to squeeze her younger siblings tightly, to the point where she physically hurts them, and won’t take no for an answer.

We remind her about consent and to respect people’s personal space/boundaries as often as we can - it often falls on deaf ears, but I’m hoping one day it’ll click!

We try to meet her needs by offering a compromise - back rubs, foot rubs etc. This gives her the physical contact she craves, but allows the giver more control. This is far better than her climbing over everyone and crushing them.

Sensory items have also helped - hot water bottles, electric blankets (if this is age appropriate) and weighted blankets.

If you’re familiar with Of Mice & Men, she’s like a female version of Lennie! No amount of hugs would satisfy her.

I wonder if this is something they’ll grow out of with age?

As parents of 6 between us,and as House Parents in boarding prep schools, I am very aware of the need of children of all ages for physical affection. Every night the kids needed hugs and stories, and even during the day around the school, they would come running up for a hug. The boys preferred a smack across the head with a rolled-up paper as their "hug".

For goodness sake. Op does hug her child and shows affection in other ways. Parents are allowed to have boundaries!

I never said she didn't at all. I said it's not enough.

It may be a phase because of the younger sibling. Whatever it is it's obvious she needs more time with her mother and more cuddles.

@ThatRareUmberJoker

How do you know whether what you are saying is right.

Because the OP has outlined it for us: her daughter is constantly seeking cuddles and OP thinks she should be happy with 3 a day. Anything more than this is "excessive" and makes her skin crawl. Daughter is seeking physical affection elsewhere and inappropriately.

Instead of OP deciding how many hugs her child should be happy with, she should just lean into what her daughter needs.

A favourite Mumsnet phrase comes to mind: behaviour is communication

We had this with DS2, and at an age where he was too old really to be doing that - I mean due to the possibility of hurting someone, not because of social norms. At the pre puberty age as well, it becomes less appropriate to chase classmates of the opposite sex around for hugs.

People are jumping to "unmet need for cuddles" here but IME it's not always that simple. Yes, behaviour is communication, but it's not always communicating the obvious, especially when a child is ND. An autistic child who hits, for example, isn't necessarily communicating aggression, hate or anger, though this is often assumed. They may be lashing out because they are overstimulated or in sensory distress and they want to get the source of distress away from them.

It may be that she does need a bit more physical affection and you may need to find a way to accommodate that OP. But you can't be attached to an 11 y o all the time, it's not like having a baby in a sling or on your hip. With the jumping on people and acting as though she is younger/smaller than she is, I do wonder if there is jealousy of the younger sibling there if he is seen to be occupying more parental resources? And the answer to that is to act more toddlerish so you'll meet her needs in the same way?

For goodness sake. Op does hug her child and shows affection in other ways. Parents are allowed to have boundaries!

Ok I'm going in on a practical level and regards having very cuddly 7-11yo Autistic children 😉 I, not as much and honestly, it can be too much but knowing my upbringing wasn't as great, I tolerate it. Yes, we communicate boundaries and YES it takes soooo much repetition 😭 my children are not deprived but I also know it comes from a place of anxiety 🤷‍♀️ have you considered a sensory diet? Sounds bonkers eh 😉 I have one child that is particularly sensory seeking - all things fluffy, squishy and scented! Another is very cuddly and needs frequent reassurance (anxiety driven mainly, so has a pattern) and has a favourite blanket in which has several of, all the same! Another is very cuddly and kisses, needs a lot of reassurance when in new environments or anytime really 😆 they too crave certain textures and hard-squeezy-eye-bulging hugs!!! So, sensory diet...

Get in a hug before she does (reassurance, anxiety) and a routine times in day where possible (school might be able to allow some time in day for sensory activities so isn't craving when home); you can get body socks that are firm and stretchy; having lie on her front and pushing a yoga ball on top of her; squeezing her arms and legs; weighted/heavy blankets; rolling side to side on the floor - loads of tips online.

I get sensory overload, I get it, it really is tough. Fortunately OH is tactile so that helps too. I am conscious of not showing my 'disgust' as I would hate to leave a fear of rejection on my children 😞 so whilst trying to communicate boundaries, I do grit my teeth and hold the outburst in (by time day is done, OH can't get near me for a long time as am so touched out). I would also consider an OT and talk therapy for her, even as an outlet...and potentially an assessment.

How do you know whether what you are saying is right. Why are you so determined to shove it down the op and then call her a child. Your posts are extreme you need to calm down.

11 yo DD hugs a lot. It's quite normal for her to snuggle up to one of us if we're watching tv. We hug hellos and goodbyes - so morning, nighttime, if she goes out or to school etc

🙄

@Nezuko22

Nah I think I’ll just send her back to wherever she came from.

Do you want to hear contrary opinions, or just be validated that you're right and your 11 year old child is unreasonable?

You sound like a damn child yourself.

If you just tried to give her more of what she's clearly needing I bet you'd start to see an improvement in two areas: less manic hugging of other people, less pestering you for endless cuddles.

That's called a positive feedback loop. But it won't start if you don't have a bloody word with yourself and give it a try for your daughter's sake. YOU need to put changes into place, not her.

What have you tried so far to make her stop?

I had 3 girls and they are hard work you will have to talk to her until she understands that could take a very long time.

I appreciate you are being rhetorical but I get up 30mins early to make time to hug and generally connect with my son before school and save sorting my work and next day stuff until after he's asleep for the same reason.

Like I get that you don't want to spend more time connecting with your daughter, but if you did want to then you could.