Autistic parents who don’t like physical affection

The op does hug her child though. Your comparison is a straw man argument - there’s a huge difference between adapting to meet a baby’s needs and telling an 11 year old they don’t need to bear hug everyone several times an hour.

Yahtzee, you really got me with that one didn't you? Ohohoho.

Of course there are sensory issues. Don't be dim.

The difference between having a child sneak up on you and pounce on you and hang off your neck or scoop you up from behind and having intimate sex with a partner is that you have the option to withdraw your consent from one of these actions if it gets too uncomfortable.

Or did you really think you'd disproved autism by asking how us autistics manage to have sex if we don't like physical contact?

You deal with it for the sake of your child. A deaf person doesn't say "oh well I can't hear the baby crying so they'll just have to stop", they adapt their life to look after the baby and purchase assistive technology to know when baby is crying.

@Freshersfluforyou

I wonder if hugging isnt the only thing lacking here given you say you can't imagine hugging your own mum. That's really not a typical attitude to have.

• You don't understand autism do you?

@Nezuko22

You need to accept that your view on this is very much outside the realm of normal.

many adults still hug their mothers. I am nearly 40 and when visiting my mum we hug a lot, cuddle on the sofa whilst catching up.

• but to us autistics it's not normal what do we NEED to accept it is?

I don't know if you'll come back OP but it does sound like your daughter is being excessive in her request for touch from people. Does she know you don't like it because of autism? It sounds like you have good ways of physical closeness (the hand holding, the hair- they're both good!)

Personally I would explain 'I can't do a lot of hugs because of autism, it's physically uncomfortable for me (just as it would be for someone with a bad back etc) but I love you and I show you that in this way (enter example)"

I'm autistic. I don't hug anyone.

Weirdly I don't feel this way with my kids. I don't like them touching me or being close messing with my head or face but I'm fine with hugging / laying / cuddling. They like to lay and put their legs over me.

Honestly you can't allow her to pin down a 2 year old and force kisses/cuddles on them. That's practically assault. If your daughter was a son I think you would have had very different responses. If she pinned down a friend in the playground like this she would be in serious trouble. I'd be having strong words about boundaries and bodily autonomy, it's not just boys who need to be taught this. She's more than old enough to know this is not ok. Likewise jumping all over you all the time. Ok at 4 not ok when they're almost in high school. She needs to learn to use her words, 'mum I need a hug' rather than forcing herself on people.

The problem is that DD is FORCING her way into other people's space : she hurt her GM throwing herself at her, she jumps on OP when she has things in her hands, she's got problems with friends because she doesn't respect personal space. To me it sounds like something a 2 year old would do, not an eleven year old! If she would ask OP for a hug and not throw herself at her it would be so much easier for OP to "prepare" herself for the hug. At eleven she really needs to learn this why I recommend that OP seeks professional help.

Theres 2 issues her, probably at the same time

• She’s sensory seeking and needs help with boundaries
• She’s desperate for affection because her needs aren’t being met at home.

Either way you need to parent her and put your issues aside. The fact you count hugs is very telling. It would be a good idea to get some parenting help with the issue if that’s available locally.

The risk is that in 2-3 years once puberty hits there’s a risk she’s attracted to the first man who offers her affection and it’s very, very difficult at that age to get her back on track. Teenage girls driven to look for affection outside the home rarely ends well.

If the OP would give her daughter more cuddles then her daughter wouldn't be pestering her so much in the first place.

That’s absolutely not necessarily true. If it’s sensory seeking behaviour as has been pointed out here many times, ‘giving in’ to the hugs wouldn’t lessen them. That’s what needs to be clarified, because it’s affecting others not just the op.

@ItsTheGAGGGGGGGGG

Says fucking who, you? No thanks. Did you miss the part where the OP said that her daughter tried to hug and kiss her 15 times within 2 hours? That may be okay for you, but it isn’t for the OP. At 11, one is old enough to under boundaries and respect that, especially as OP has a disability herself. Why the hell you’d want her to mask and continue being overstimulated makes 0 sense to me

Yes, says fucking me. Did you even read my post you're replying to?

If the OP would give her daughter more cuddles then her daughter wouldn't be pestering her so much in the first place.

Aside from that, the fact that OP is even counting the hugs just goes to show what an unnecessary drama she's creating here. All she needs to do is start hugging her daughter more rather than making her feel like she needs to change. She's 11. The OP is an adult and a mother. Yes, she needs to get a grip. The more hugs she gives her daughter when she needs them the more it will benefit them both as the daughter will calm down with the clinginess and desperation.

@CharlotteLucas3 "My eldest DS used to do the aggressive cuddling thing with his younger brother. It was very difficult because his brother didn't like it but how do you tell someone off for cuddling?"

You do tell someone off for cuddling if the other person does not want a cuddle. It's called consentment and if he doesn't get that what will make him stop raping a girl because he's in love with her? A cuddle is only nice if there are two WILLING persons. Otherwise it's an intrusion like harassment.

Yeh neurotypical parents feel the exact same way. This is not a feeling unique to autistic people.

Set a timer for hugging your child? That child will be on the therapist’s couch in 20 years’ time, talking about the timed hugs with her mum.

So skin crawling has nothing to do with sensory issues then?

Reminder that it's all young mammals, not just humans! Hey, at least ours don't bite our tails 😉

Has she always been like this op?

The kissing noises made me wonder if she's seeking attention and has learnt that running for hugs and kisses is a way of getting it (both negatively and positively)
Also the gap between her and your toddler is quite big so maybe she reverted when he was little and (obviously) getting a lot of physical attention.

My dd at one stage was a bit forcible with hugs to adults (her reception teacher had words with me). Looking back (she's much older now) it was at the point where her toddler brother was a complete handful that took up a lot of my time and attention.

The reason I'm awake at 4am is that my 8 year old appeared a while ago for hugs and I can't get back to sleep. Trust me I'd rather not have been hugged at that time but he needed it so it's fine. Pending autism assessment.

My 10 year old autistic son hugs loads. He needs the physical affection. A bit less so gradually now but I certainly can't imagine rationing to 4x a day.

I'm probably ND too and sometimes it drives me crazy. I do have boundaries - no hugs when not safe e.g. drinking hot tea, cooking etc. I've been known to make a cup of tea to get a break on very snuggly days. I'm not a naturally huggy person so I've had to adjust but I feel it's a hugely important thing.

I do think this is a problem you need to try and resolve not your child.

I don't think there's a general absence of sympathy for OP, @simonsayss. She was mainly asking how to cope. She hated feedback that her daughter seems to be showing signs of emotional deprivation - that's understandable! No decent parent wants to think they may be failing their child in some important way.

There were, however, several respondents taking the position that OP shouldn't have to face the discomfort of her child's need for physical affection. They ridiculed suggestions that the girl's development could be seriously impaired, even when those suggesting it had suffered similar themselves.

They gave a strong impression that children who seek comfort in their mothers' arms are unreasonable, perhaps in need of treatment. Overall, they reinforced OP's desire to limit or even reduce the contact she gives her child.

It's really clear that OP finds it extra difficult. NT parents also get enraged by their kids' constant touching, mauling and inconvenient hugs; it's not as if you have to be autistic to understand that! OP made it clear that it happens a lot for her. There's no lack of sympathy for her.

And there's also a child whose emotional needs are not being met - for some years, apparently - and is inevitably acting out, trying as best she can to make up the 'hug deficit' with her family and friends. It's reaching a critical point for her, as she hasn't been able to stop the inappropriate behaviour at school. I think it's a compliment to OP's parenting that her DD still trusts her enough to seek hugs from her, but that won't last.

What's needed is a way forward. Few have been offered, though I did think there were a few good suggestions in amongst the snarling. OP can prioritise her own feelings, training her child to expect minimal physical affection. As a good parent, I think she realises the girl's already showing signs of harm and continued withdrawal will only exacerbate it. To help her daughter grow up sane, safe and balanced, she needs to find a way to make up the deficit.

I don't know what that is, but it won't come from yelling that autistic parents simply cannot stand it (and children shouldn't want it). Counselling might be an excellent idea, not to diagnose what's wrong with a child needing hugs, for god's sake, but to figure out what OP can manage to do to help her.

I’m ND. The people making OP don’t understand. For us it’s not a ‘oh I have no personal space , scooch off’ type of feeling. there gets a point where your skin feels like it’s on fire if you’re touched one too many times, where simply being jumped on without warning can make you feel rage rather slight annoyance. We hate it as much as some of you want to shame us for.

OP you really have my sympathy because I understand.

If this was an autistic child you were talking about , they would be droning on about boundaries. - Can you explain?

It sounds as though you're saying that a tactile, NT mother with an autistic, hug-averse child would be advised to respect her kid's boundaries.

That would be correct: the parent's role is to meet the child's needs, not vice versa.

“We need 4 hugs a day for survival. We need 8 hugs a day for maintenance. We need 12 hugs a day for growth.” – Virginia Satir, American Author and Psychotherapist.

No one really gives a toss about Autism when it really comes down to it and that’s the God’s honest truth. SN chat is a great place and you’ll still get balanced responses and suggestions. AIBU, Chat or even the Parenting board is not the place to receive understanding for another disability related

All parents are overstimulated, you just have to suck it up.

Says fucking who, you? No thanks. Did you miss the part where the OP said that her daughter tried to hug and kiss her 15 times within 2 hours? That may be okay for you, but it isn’t for the OP. At 11, one is old enough to under boundaries and respect that, especially as OP has a disability herself. Why the hell you’d want her to mask and continue being overstimulated makes 0 sense to me