Autistic parents who don’t like physical affection

Do you hug her back if she sneaks up on you?

When we had DD (my husband has ASD) we implemented a Disney hug rule. At Disney the cast members are trained that if a child comes up to them and hugs them, they never let go first. We always do the same for DD, we never end a hug, it’s on her terms when she is ‘ready’ to end the hug.

Might be something you could try and do?

She wouldn’t be forcing it on people if she was content at home.

You deciding she gets plenty of attention doesn’t mean much, as clearly it’s either not enough or not the right kind of attention/the attention she wants from you.

Her mums’ feelings matter too, and constant hugging is too much for her.

I’m not making a ‘massive leap’, I’m making a reasonable assumption from what information is given. Excessive physical affection (which looking for heavy handed hugs 15 times in two hours is) can be a trait of sensory seeking, not just devoid of affection from a parent who finds it oppositional to their own sensory processing disorder.

I wonder if hugging isnt the only thing lacking here given you say you can't imagine hugging your own mum. That's really not a typical attitude to have.
Gaming with your daughter is nice enough in itself but it's no replacement for physical affection.
You haven't really answered the posters who've asked whether the hugs you do give your daughter are a perfunctory squeeze, or a more lasting snuggly cuddle? She may actually never be getting the sort of cuddle she wants, and if those cuddles are how she feels loved and cared for it may make her feel unloved.

If it's sensory then after a hug from you offer/redirect to some form of deep pressure/proprioceptive feedback e.g., body sock, hug vest, squashing with a therapy ball, heavy work etc. If she's mostly looking for affection then this won't meet the need but worth a try. When you do hug really give her a squeeze rather than a loose hug too.

Ofcourse you're not a horrible mother ! Please just skip those comments. It's great what you do on thursdays and playing with her hair counts as physical contact as well. The problem is your daughter's lack of respect (understanding ?) of other people's limits and it would be great if she could be seen by a professional. My autistic DS has the same problem and we are working on that and his other problems with a psychologist.

Setting timers on a hug - I'm sure that'll make the poor girl feel loved and not like hugging her is a chore at all!

Sorry OP, but 3 hugs a day isn't 'multiple' hugs a day, and I would imagine that a couple of them would be quite quick (trying to get out to leave etc).

I think you're going to have to suck it up and be more huggy. Once your DD feels like she's getting the affection she needs she might just naturally back off with it. Or at least she'll probably grow out of it in a couple of years.

I'd also add that if she thinks her brother is getting a lot of physical affection she's not that might also be driving the intensity with which she's seeking the contact.

If she can't get what she needs from you, she will absolutely try to get her needs met by other people. Children do that. It is a very common cause of teenage pregnancy and unhealthy relationships, I'm afraid.

You need to rise to the challenge and give her more physical affection. We all have areas of parenting that we find challenging (especially those of us with ASD) but it's the job - you have to meet her emotional needs.

Op, what's your family circumstances?

Is your daughter also autistic? She reminds me of a lovely autistic child I know who loved to hug others including strangers. As she was 11 and developing it was becoming incredibly inappropriate and I can imagine her mum must've been stressed and exhausted.

But this is a problem that needs tackling. If she is trying to hug kids at school and they're making fun of her, it makes me think she may be on the spectrum?

Is your husband close and affectionate with her? There's a big age gap, is this a blended family situation? Maybe she's jealous of the bond you have with your toddler?

We need more info I think ❤️

I'm sure you're doing your best as a mum. Mines 5 and she comes into bed with me every night. I can't see an end in sight 😄 but I've just accepted it now. That said, I don't have a husband or more children.

Some of the comments are right though op - as someone who's survived some awful men and friendships due to just wanting love, her needs need to be met and this hugging resolved. Xx

Yes!

You need to give your daughter more hugs.

Good god make time and effort to sit and cuddle up with your dd. She wants affection from her mum, please give it to her.

You're really telling another poster off for suggesting something and 'not having enough insight', but then making the absolutely MASSIVE FUCKING JUMP that OPs daughter must be ND because OP is??? Even though OP has not indicated or said this at any point?

Do you perhaps see the contradiction there?

Your comfort is not as important as your child's needs, and she sounds desperate for physical touch.

I'm autistic and sometimes need some space but I always make time to sit my ds on my lap and we have cuddles multiple times a day. You just have to grin through it for the sake of your child. She needs that stimulation and it's clear she's quite desperate for it.

Do you initiate the hugs you do give? Perhaps one parent-initiated hug is worth 10 child-initiated ones?

I do understand though op, my skin can crawl when I'm hugged in the wrong way or too much. I try to breathe through it mostly but it can get all too much and I'll have to take myself off for a bit.

You need to accept that your view on this is very much outside the realm of normal.

many adults still hug their mothers. I am nearly 40 and when visiting my mum we hug a lot, cuddle on the sofa whilst catching up.

Your DD is trying to seek affection from anyone and everyone because she doesn’t get it from you. How do you not understand that basic fact? And soon she will do the same from boys/men (if straight)

Yes. We are both very huggy. We sit and chat on the sofa and have an arm around each other.

Unless OPs child is also autistic.

Being socially deficit, not understanding social rules or boundaries, not being able to read emotions, struggling to make or maintain relationships and friendships, insisting on sameness, being a proprioceptive sensory seeker, this being displayed in multiple settings, a genetic component, and not to our knowledge explainable by any other condition.

Everything the OP has described ticks a lot of boxes.

The OP needs visual aids, repetition, routine and strong boundaries. The routine can include many many hugs, but also needs to focus on boundaries.

For arguments sake let's say you're right. It doesn't mean the girl does not need help no? I still don't think it's about lack of physical affection (OP is very aware about her condition and her feelings and her DD's needs) but rather an excessive need of affection to the point where she does not respect other people.
For those who tell OP to just go ahead and hug her DD all the time this can be very counterproductive for the girl. And OP has not chosen to be autistic, she's doing the best she can. My DS would not be able to hug because it actually hurts him. He says it's like someone hitting him. People need to be more aware about the condition before jumping to conclusions.

I still get cuddles off my mum now and I’m in my 30s, some people are just really physically affectionate. I know this seems like a stupid question but how long are the hugs? Do you sit and cuddle together watching a movie/cuddle up and read together etc? I wouldn’t class a quick hug goodbye as meaningful physical affection for example.

Regular talks about consent and boundaries should help, hopefully you can pin point what needs aren’t being met, have you tried having a conversation with her?