To not want to hear MIL mention DH's ex wife at the dinner table 5 years on?

This is hilarious. I bloody love this idea. Please do this 🤣

I would just ignore her every time and talk about something else. Maybe say one last time that you won't be engaging in conversations about X so please don't try to start one.

OP, I feel your pain. I was wife no 4. Don't ask - I was stupid. He's my Ex now of course, and I'm psycho ex no 4. There's a number 5 too, also a psycho ex now. Think he had some kind of syndrome. I used to drink alot to numb the irritation and "let it go" when all the stories were repeated over the course of our 14 year disaster at family gatherings. I know it's not the healthiest strategy, but it worked for me. Or give her a ball gag for Christmas - can she take a hint at all?

Well, I didn’t know they no longer see her (I’m pretty sure DH’s girlfriend before me, whom his mother would have much preferred him to marry, is still on her Christmas card list, and she’ll stop and chat any time they see her on the street!), but I suppose they just hear stuff from their grandchild and news about her doesn’t seem controversial or sensitive to them, regardless of what your DH says? Some people are just tactless like that — if they don’t see why something might be upsetting, then you’re silly to be upset, and they barrel on regardless. (Again, my MIL is exactly this person. It’s pure tunnel vision and lack of imagination, rather than malice, but incredibly aggravating.)

@MayaPinion your advice is just fantastic!
It is clear Marje doesn’t particularly like Sandra. If she hasn’t see her in six years, she seems very bothered.

I think she could also add:

’Do you know, Marjorie, I don’t really know Sandra at all but she’s clearly a very important person in the family. I’m thinking of asking her for a coffee. Would you like to come with, or is it not for you?’

Marjorie is a piss-taker. She is in OP’s house, eating her food, she knows she’s needling her.

My DP has been married before. Many years ago, been divorced for a long time but I have not been favourably compared. My version of Sandra can cook, knows how to make a lovely home, still pops into see ‘Mum’ regularly, she’s just marvellous. Luckily as I’m a shit chef I don’t host her. 😂

Run a book on how long it will be between her getting in the door and mentioning ex-wife's name. Your husband guesses how long, you guess how long. Write it on a piece of paper, along with the precise time she comes in. At first mention, you or DH shout out the time now, grab the paper and work out whose guess was nearest. You do all this loudly and with gusto, including the 'Aw, you win!'.

It will embarrass her. Nothing says 'I know you're going to do the thing I asked you not to do' quite as loudly as running a book on it.

Keep asking her about the ex.

’Marjorie, do you know if Sandra got a fanjo wax this week? I had mine done and I thought to myself - I must check with Marjorie to see if she knows whether Sandra got her fanjo waxed - I’d swear you fancied her if you weren’t already married to Martin here’.

’Marjorie, did Sandra get Red Rooster potatoes or King Edward’s?’
’Marjorie, do you know if Sandra has gas central heating?’
’Marjorie, what size are Sandra’s feet?’
’Marjorie, Marjorie, does Sandra like chicken madras?’
’Marjorie, has Sandra ever had a splinter?’
’Marjorie, did Sandra fancy Eric Cantona?’

You could really piss her off!

Of course they do. OP has said her DH has told his mother how OP feels and still it happens.

I would probably go passive aggressive. She's doing this to wind you up as her son's ex is the woman who gave her a grandchild. But like any bully, she will only do it if she thinks she is in control and scoring points.

Your DH asks her to stop, but that is just encouraging her. She knows what she is doing and him asking her just proves that she is meeting her objective of being irritating. I would do the opposite and engage in the conversation. Don't bring the ex up yourself, but when your MIL does, act fascinated. Ask a couple of questions. Then bring up your own ex. Then ask about MIL's ex-boyfriends and FIL's ex-girlfriends. Do this every time DH's ex is mentioned, so MIL starts to kick herself (and FIL kicks her under the table) even when she mentions the ex's name by accident.

Make MIL stop because she knows you're better at this game than she is, not because her DS is asking her to be nice. She isn't.

Just make sure you inform DH that you are doing this to make a point, so he is onside.

Love this!

Stop cooking for her.
You are silly to be entertaining someone who clearly doesn't care if she causes offence.
As for spending 3 hours on a meal for her?
Foolish.
Stop being involved.
No more effort, no more invitations, no more meals.
She thinks you are a doormat.
Drop the rope completely.
Let your husband visit them.
No fuss, just say no thanks, go on your own.
She will continue this if you continue to be a doormat.

Or maybe a drinking game. Every time she’s mentioned; you & DH jump up from the table & down a shot!
Happily tell them why when they query your odd behaviour. They’ll probably chastise you for your rude behaviour 🤣

Oh I like this 🤣

This made me lol

Op stated quite clearly that the MIL does it when the step child, her grandchild isn't there!

This is brilliant.

I think the OP has already quietly waited 5 years for this shite to stop though

Your MIL is bringing it up precisely because she's been told not to, and knows it upsets you. Beat her to the punch and bring it up first and frequently. She'll soon stop. Along with that, find something that MIL doesn't like to talk about or is embarassed about and bring it up relentlessly.

Just to make you laugh- it took 10 years for my MIL to stop calling me the ex's name! Honestly the patience I had to have, and yes we do have a good relationship.

You just need to treat it as if they were talking about a random neighbour or family member you never see. She is part of their lives it’s not like she’s done anything wrong by merely existing.

just give stock responses.

Oh that’s nice. Lovely. That’s a shame.

@MounjaroUser has the perfect evil genius response!

You have no idea how old the OP's MIL is. She could be in her 50s and nowhere near 'old dear' territory.

My MIL told me all about DH’s first wedding day in the run up to our own wedding. She also told me about catching DH and first wife sneaking off for a quickie during their reception. I was absolutely speechless and DH was incandescent. He gave her a rocket. It’s because she’s an old boot, as far as I am concerned. She doesn't get hosted by us very often and DH manages her behaviour very tightly.

Mil hissed in my ear dh's ex had wanted his dc just after we told her I was pregnant.. . Obviously out of dh's earshot.. His ex was a short term gf and not engaged or married.
She hasn't been in our lives for a decade. Her own doing...

That's nothing, my Mum still talks about the boyfriend I had when I was a teenager. I'm in my 50s and haven't seen him for about 30 years. I think for her it's a way to feel connected to my life, I live a long way away so she no longer knows the details of my day to day life.

I'd let it wash over you. She might be doing it for her granddaughter, she might be doing it to get a rise out of you or her DS. You don't know which it is so best if you and DH just respond with a 'that's nice' and move onto another subject.