To not want to hear MIL mention DH's ex wife at the dinner table 5 years on?

Some people are gossips.
I would just keep saying, '...anyway' and change the subject to show you find it boring, like you would about any boring gossip. No neeed to make a big drama of it.

I get that it is annoying, but I don't think it's rude/disrespectful per se. I don't see the issue in 'oh I see (ex) Barbara got a new car' because I'd say that about a neighbour/friend/acquaintance' and as Barbara is in the picture it's relevant. It would be different if comparisons were made, or constantly praising Barbara against the new partner, but merely mentioning her wouldn't be an issue for me personally.

@flowersintheatticus this reply has explained it perfectly. I know you're speaking about a hypothetical person with the 'new partner' but OP is not bothered by the mention of ex but by the consistent and unnecessary mentionitis. It's not accidental, it's wilfully rude and dismissive.

I think that you may have been in a slightly different situation from the OP? No one is banning the children from talking about their mum. The Op actually says so. No one is banning anyone from talking to the children about their Mum. What I interpret the OP as saying is that her mother in law uses the ex's name as a stick to beat her with.

What authority would you have to ban them from seeing their family? And all because their mother's name was mentioned? Honestly I find this really bizarre. Maybe because I was the child in the situation, my df was not allowed to be mentioned unless strictly necessary, and when it was there was a definite atmosphere. It's extremely unhealthy for the children and it just reeks of insecurity on the adults' part.

If I was the "new" s in law, as the OP is, you wouldnt need to ban me from your house and you wouldn't be seeing anything of your much beloved nieces either!

So they are only allowed to be talked about on a strictly needs to know basis, and anything else is disrespectful? I'm asking genuinely here. If my db and SIL broke up, I'd still very much consider her to be related to my family. She's the mother of my very beloved nieces, and by extension is going to be a significant person in my life. If he remarried and I was told not to mention her name again unless it was something to do with the dc then you wouldn't be coming into my house again. She hasn't died or become a child murderer, just because you have a new relationship.

I think what your MIL is doing is very disrespectful. And fair enough if they need to mention her for DSD reasons etc but to keep bringing up in general chitter chatter is just uncouth and disrespectful

Don’t you see that it works both ways? It’s clear that this is not mil being “tactless’, she’s been asked repeatedly not to keep doing it, her son changes the subject etc. it’s rude and disrespectful to him and his wife. It makes no difference at all if she’s the ex or current partner, in fact it makes no difference what the topic of the conversation is, if you’ve been asked specifically not to talk about something, it’s rude to do so.

That is absolutely awful what a vile woman. Clearly got a touch of jealousy about you.

As soon as she started talking about her as long as DSD wasn't there I'd go ohhh no not her again it's like a broken record, we are not bloody interested in her and I would not care if i offended mother in law either.

Not sure I get why it's disrespectful either, assuming the comments aren't things like "saw ExDW recently, she looked stunning as always!" or one-upping you. My mum constantly refers to people I went to primary school with because she's friends with their mums - we've not spoken in 20+ years and she'll give me the latest random updates on their lives. It might be that sort of thing, maybe your MIL enjoyed their MIL/DIL relationship and is trying in a clumsy way to normalise friendly relationships between you all? Or if she's a chatty person, maybe it's literally just that she shares everything that pops in her head and she doesn't have a whole lot of news of her own, or about people you all know? Does she also give a lot of unnecessary/boring detail on other topics?

My own MIL looves to talk about DP's female friends in an overly positive way and I assume this is meant to upset me, but I just find it funny and agree enthusiastically because DH's friends are fab!

100% Absolutely love this 👏

Husband has asked his mum repeatedly not to do it so yes she does know it is causing distress.

🤣 we could be such good friends!

Gosh, are you normally this easily rattled? This woman exists, she’s their grandchild’s mother so they hear about her regularly, they don’t grasp why her name is such a trigger for their son’s subsequent wife, who has never met her and has no issue with her. They are tactless, absolutely, if their son has asked them to stop, but it sounds as if it isn’t done with malicious intent.

Your response would be appropriate if the OP were the ex, and her former PILs kept telling her how lovely the OW who’s now married to their son is.

This! Love it.

Hi @PippaKing I agree with you and most of the PP's that I read on the first page - I haven't read any further yet - and I too love the idea of you asking your DFiL what his last love's name was, before he met your MiL.

But I would like to suggest another one, only it would take extra effort, and you, or your DH might not like the idea at all, but I'll give it a go: I wondered about you or your DH inviting his daughter and her mother for dinner when your in laws are next due. I think that it would be good if you could actually tell your DH'S ex-wife about how much your MiL gossips about her with other people who know her, and so you thought it would be nice if they met up with her again, so that she could ask her directly instead of gossiping behind her back.

Then when you are all together DH could tell his mum that you both (meaning "we") invited his ex to dinner so that his DM can ask the her the answers to all the gossip she wants to know!

Sorry, I am not usually that mean - especially as I am a MiL myself - it is probably just me having a daydream of being a butterfly on the wall in the dining room that day 🙈😂

Don’t be so patronising! If they were talking about her in the context of dsd or even that she’d been to see them, it would be different But simply bringing up random unrelated anecdotes about her, is rude and frankly designed just to cause trouble.

would you really be happy to sit at the dinner table discussing your partners ex and every detail of her life………. No of course not!

MyMIL actually showed me the bottom tier of the wedfing cake from the wedding of dh with his ex wife. Quite why I have no clue...tact was nevet her strong point. Yanbu.

My MIL used to do this until my DH pulled her up on it. Now instead of saying ex wife’s name she says ‘the name I’m not allowed to mention’ which is frankly hilarious.

There's a huge difference between what OP said and this!

Sounds like your DH is on board which would make this less of an issue for me but I get it still grates.

Make a couple of bingo cards, one for you and one for DH. Whenever she brings up ex in conversation with either you or your H (alone) each of you should intentionally get out your cards and put an X on the card. If she brings up ex infront of both of you (together) - get your cards out and decide between yourselves who should claim that 'X' on their card. Make a merry discussion about how you have 3 so far, he only has 2, and so on and so forth. Have immense fun with your cards, and make a point of looking for a pen/marker/whatever to make the 'X' on your card. Make rules for the game and go the whole hog! Cards renew at the end of each month - whoever's got the most 'wins', has to buy the other their favourite bottle of wine etc etc.

She will be most irritated if you and your DH share a joke at her expense every time she does this. The two of you united in ridiculing her will be the last thing she wants to facilitate.

I'd go with the sweepstake option every time. You also need to make sure you win every time and the prize you get is something that will irritate her too. Is there anything she hates that you have or do?

My MIL likes to call my DM by my DH ex girlfriends name (split approximately 18 years ago) on purpose... the 2 names share the same first letter. I find it hilarious that she would need to go out of her way to do this. Sad woman. No you are not being unreasonable. I'd stop asking her over for roasts until she stops.
Oh in return I make sure to ask my FIL about his girlfriend from university too (equally as bloody ages ago) We all know her by 1st name 😂😂😂 poor old man loves reminiscing about the multiple conquests he had before her (she has only been with him)