Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want partner cooking for other women?

135 replies

Kendra43 · 15/10/2024 14:46

We are long distance but manage to see each other every two weeks usually and we have trips booked so we always have something to look forward to.

In a recent dinner out together he mentioned two women he has befriended at work (the women live together and are both friends) asked when he's coming over to cook for them. He's known at work as 'the chef' as he always brings the best baked goods

I know he brought this up because he wants to and it's his way of testing the waters with me.

Unfortunately I'm quite a jealous person and I don't feel comfortable with the thought of him doing something he usually does just for me or his parents for these women. AIBU?

OP posts:
MrSeptember · 15/10/2024 15:20

The comment regarding "an immediate connection" is a bit icky, yes.

But cooking for two women friends? No big deal at all. And if you have a tendency to jealousy, that's something YOU need to work on, and not make his problem.

user2848502016 · 15/10/2024 15:20

YABU sorry, very controlling

Original poster
Kendra43 · 15/10/2024 15:19

@Allmychickenscometoroost I know!

He has hit it off with a couple of guys at work too, but I don't think he ever described them as an immediate connection 🤔

OP posts:
Allmychickenscometoroost · 15/10/2024 15:18

Yes the immediate connection comment would bother me and is probably what has piqued your interest. You need to clarify what he means. It seems like he is attracted to her. Funny that men like your dp never talk about having an immediate connection to another bloke 🙄

ThisBlueCrab · 15/10/2024 15:17

Kendra43 · 15/10/2024 15:14

In the past I have also been interested in a man who was long distance and nothing happened, but his girlfriend didn't feel 'real' to me until we met

That changed when I actually met her and we all became friends

Show quote history

So you are judging based on your own poor behaviour then?

BaconMassive · 15/10/2024 15:17

Sounds like he wants to have his cake and share it.

Nodlikeyouwerelistening · 15/10/2024 15:16

Kendra43 · 15/10/2024 15:14

In the past I have also been interested in a man who was long distance and nothing happened, but his girlfriend didn't feel 'real' to me until we met

That changed when I actually met her and we all became friends

Show quote history

The trouble is January is a long way off with Christmas and it’s drunken shenanigans between now and then. Not to make you more paranoid, but are you going to really be okay until then?

Original poster
Kendra43 · 15/10/2024 15:14

Lifeisarealchallenge · 15/10/2024 15:11

I agree with this.

If you actually meet up with them they will see you as a couple, and you will also be in a much better position to judge the vibes of his relationship with these women - particularly how he acts with the one he feels he "has a connection with. "

Edited
Show quote history

In the past I have also been interested in a man who was long distance and nothing happened, but his girlfriend didn't feel 'real' to me until we met

That changed when I actually met her and we all became friends

OP posts:
JenniferBooth · 15/10/2024 15:13

Maybe OP should go cook for some bloke she feels an immediate connection to and see how he likes it.

yeaitsmeagain · 15/10/2024 15:13

Long distance never works, if you're paranoid about the things he does mention to you, imagine all the things he's not telling you. Either move there or break up, it's better than watching yourself turn into a jealous paranoid mess that spends your whole time alternating between yelling at him and feeling bad about yelling because you know it's pushing him further away.

Original poster
Kendra43 · 15/10/2024 15:13

rarebits · 15/10/2024 15:10

I’d be very bothered if my partner said he had ‘an immediate connection’ to a woman and then went over to cook for her (and her friend, but only because she’s also there, because let’s be honest here…it’s about the one with ‘the connection’).

Listen to your gut.

I think is what really bothers me.

Because when I was single my friends and I occasionally did this and it was really a way for one to spend more with the man and suss out the situation.

OP posts:
Lifeisarealchallenge · 15/10/2024 15:11

Kendra43 · 15/10/2024 15:04

One positive is he said he can bring a plus one to a work function in January

I do feel it would put a different light on things if at some point I can meet them and they are aware of me and us as a couple.

I agree with this.

If you actually meet up with them they will see you as a couple, and you will also be in a much better position to judge the vibes of his relationship with these women - particularly how he acts with the one he feels he "has a connection with. "

rarebits · 15/10/2024 15:10

I’d be very bothered if my partner said he had ‘an immediate connection’ to a woman and then went over to cook for her (and her friend, but only because she’s also there, because let’s be honest here…it’s about the one with ‘the connection’).

Listen to your gut.

Original poster
Kendra43 · 15/10/2024 15:08

I don't want to lose him. So if I have things to work on I should.

The thought of this just made me feel uncomfortable. Sounds like it's my issue and others wouldn't be bothered.

OP posts:
MinervaMcGonagallsCat · 15/10/2024 15:07

Your jealousy, lack of trust and wish to control will destroy your relationship.

YABU

SouthLondonMum22 · 15/10/2024 15:06

YABU. This is something you need to work on because a long term relationship isn’t going to work otherwise.

NewName24 · 15/10/2024 15:05

Nodlikeyouwerelistening · 15/10/2024 15:01

Respectfully OP, if you’re a jealous person a LDR is never going to work. If it’s not this cooking scenario it will be his work Christmas do, or his female neighbour asking for help moving, or after work drinks on a Friday night.
There’s no shame in admitting when a situation isn’t for you.

Edited: just seen your update. You don’t get to hang out with people you “have an immediate connection with” when you have a girlfriend, let alone in a LDR when boundaries are more important than ever. I don’t think this is jealousy, I think this is you listening to your gut.

Edited

This.

Yes YABU, but if you aren't able, or willing to work on your jealousy and your desire to control who your partner sees and how he spends his time when he isn't with you, then you are going to struggle to maintain a relationship anyway. That is probably what you need to work on.

Original poster
Kendra43 · 15/10/2024 15:05

Lifeisarealchallenge · 15/10/2024 15:01

Well if he is saying things like " having an immediate connection " to one of the women then that puts a whole new light on things.
I wouldn't be happy with that because he has basically told you he is attracted to one of them.

Show quote history

Yeah I did wonder.

For me I can have an immediate connection with a woman and it just means we hit it off and became friends. But maybe subconsciously I picked up on that from him.

OP posts:
Coconutter24 · 15/10/2024 15:05

Unfortunately I'm quite a jealous person and I don't feel comfortable with the thought of him doing something he usually does just for me or his parents for these women. AIBU?

YABU sounds like a you problem tbh, he’s done nothing wrong

Original poster
Kendra43 · 15/10/2024 15:04

One positive is he said he can bring a plus one to a work function in January

I do feel it would put a different light on things if at some point I can meet them and they are aware of me and us as a couple.

OP posts:
Nodlikeyouwerelistening · 15/10/2024 15:01

Respectfully OP, if you’re a jealous person a LDR is never going to work. If it’s not this cooking scenario it will be his work Christmas do, or his female neighbour asking for help moving, or after work drinks on a Friday night.
There’s no shame in admitting when a situation isn’t for you.

Edited: just seen your update. You don’t get to hang out with people you “have an immediate connection with” when you have a girlfriend, let alone in a LDR when boundaries are more important than ever. I don’t think this is jealousy, I think this is you listening to your gut.

Lifeisarealchallenge · 15/10/2024 15:01

Kendra43 · 15/10/2024 14:58

@Lifeisarealchallenge probably? He socializes plenty in public.

The thought of going to these womens homes and cooking for them is different somehow. He said he had an immediate connection to one of them and got on quite well with the other, I think the way he put it sounded a bit odd to me.

Well if he is saying things like " having an immediate connection " to one of the women then that puts a whole new light on things.
I wouldn't be happy with that because he has basically told you he is attracted to one of them.

Original poster
Kendra43 · 15/10/2024 15:00

@elizzza at the moment he has several male friends he spends time with

He doesn't do this with any women apart from his ex he meets once or twice a year, and another woman he sees when she's in town (lives far away).

So none locally apart from in a group.

OP posts:
elizzza · 15/10/2024 14:59

Kendra43 · 15/10/2024 14:54

I suppose I wouldn't feel the same if he was cooking for a make friend or a couple.

I only cook for him and wouldn't cook for a make friend. That's me though.

Show quote history

Okay, so it’s not actually about cooking for other people. Is it spending time with women? Does he have any female friends (other than these two new friends)? Do you have any male friends?

(Doesn’t seem that helpful to just say “yes you’re unreasonable”, I think the only way through jealous feelings is to work out what’s going on under them)

Original poster
Kendra43 · 15/10/2024 14:58

@Lifeisarealchallenge probably? He socializes plenty in public.

The thought of going to these womens homes and cooking for them is different somehow. He said he had an immediate connection to one of them and got on quite well with the other, I think the way he put it sounded a bit odd to me.

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread