My girlfriend is hypervigilant and I feel judged

She sounds very immature and controlling, if there's this many red flags a week in I'd start thinking of an exit plan

She sounds very immature. Maybe show her this thread? Explain how she makes you feel. See if she's big enough to take the feedback onboard. Better to know sooner rather than later.

@piccolorhinoceros well yes, we’d spent enough nights together by that point for him to know that I’m not a morning person! Growing up, there was never an expectation that breakfast was a social event in my family, everyone just got their own, and the same for my flatmates in my 20s. Other times of the day I’ll be perfectly cheery and chatty., just not great in the mornings before I’ve had breakfast and a shower.
Obviously this isn’t just about breakfast, I just wanted to point out that for many people not actively making conversation at breakfast because they’re tired is a normal morning thing rather than being rude and grumpy, and that their partner accepting that can be one of the compromises of living together.

This is the female version of these insecure controlling men that you have to walk on eggshells around..
In my experience it only escalates abd there's nothing you can do to reassure them.
I had an ex who would sulk for days for things like me not seeming grateful enough when he picked me up from work or not putting enough Xs at the end of a text.
He became obsessed I was cheating on him. I was not. His mood was constantly up and down. Tiny little things I did, mannerisms, throwaway comments.. he'd turn them all into massive issues.
I was so worn down by it, I was like a shell of myself.
It was awful. Stuff like I'd want to walk home from work (it was a beautiful coastal walk) and he'd insist that was wierd and why didn't I want him to pick me up, I just didn't want to spend time with him, I didn't respect him etc etc
Absolutely suffocating.

One day you'll find someone whose communication style is similar to yours and whom you don't have to explain your every gesture to. You'll find someone who is secure enough not to constantly demand proof of love.
Honestly end this relationship now because you aren't compatible abd there's nothing you can do. It will never be enough to heal her insecurity. That's something she has to go on her own journey with. Or perhaps she will find a man who communicates in a way she responds to well.. but the bottom line is you won't be able to both change yourselves enough to please the other, and also not be miserable because of how you've had to change yourself

I'm fine in the morning whatever time I get up but come from a family that mostly are definitely not. Just how they all are. I just got on with my day and left them to it.

We're all different. You can't change those things about yourself you are either a morning person or you are not.

@LifeofBrienne and is that how you felt one week into living with your first partner/husband..? I doubt it.

People want to have conversation over breakfast? I would HATE that. The highlight of my morning is having my cup of tea and toast first thing with just my phone to browse. No need to engage my brain with other people’s demands, just quietly absorbing caffeine on my own for 10 minutes before I wake the kids up

Sounds similar to an ex colleague, soon as they get a bee in a bonnet then hell have no fury but as soon as you say x item they think its personal criticism even when they say no sugar coating and be honest etc,

Exactly but I hate when someone else said she sounded nuts its not its how our brains are

Yes, but I’m wondering whether the OP is, unbeknownst to him/herself in fact using it correctly — if they’re often grumpy and silent, it’s possible the girlfriend actually is hypervigilant as to their mood changes.

I also understand what @junecat is saying of their experience.

When I was younger I used to care far, far too much about the mood of my partner (day to day). I worried they were unhappy, that they didn't have EVERYTHING. I really did care and I wanted to fix it. I thought it was my job.

I am older now. Lived more. I am tired. I have a lot of responsibilities. I simply have moved by this phase. I do not have capacity to care so much. This is the hard thing about being young. I wish I had been more focussed on myself, on getting ahead of my own worries. It is not easy being in your twenties.

You can set your boundaries OP. I think your partner is enmeshed with you. And you don't like that. Do listen to what you want.

Is she actually literally jumping with joy? All the time?
If she is not, does she actually live normally but now and again look round the house and give a little shiver of excitement and grin and express how pleased she is to be there? Do you or could you do that - do you just not think that way so it never occurs to you to notice the flat/her/what is going on, out loud? Could you learn?

Bin her off, she's coming across as hard work. This love island generation don't know how to live in the real world.

It's very clear that the OP does mean hyper vigilant: an enhanced state of sensory sensitivity. The ability to notice changes in the environment, in people and patterns.

She is constantly hyper attuned to what she perceives has him being unhappy.

I lived with a twat like that once. Constantly watching my every move and jumping on me if I didn't seem happy enough about something or whatever emotion he'd decided I wasn't showing enough.

I used to be bothered about my husbands reactions. I wouldn't vocalise it but I did used to worry that he wasn't happy when I thought he would be.

Now I love that he's calm, steady and supportive. It's just the way he is with everything in life.

She sounds exhausting. I couldn’t be doing with that.

While I agree she sounds exhausting I have to say you're setting your stall out early! You have to make some bloody effort at breakfast one week in. Buck up!

She does though sound exhausting and there is also a time to recognize you do not live to make others happy - that is on each of us.

Think you need to discuss expectations and your boundaries before week 2!

That's not what hypervigilant means

She sounds like hard work.

She also sounds like she believes what she sees on social media.

You're not a good fit for each other. She's looking for a Disney relationship not a real world one.

Christ, she sounds EXHAUSTING!!!

People who get pissy when others don't react in the way they think they should are the absolute worst.

You need to run, and fast.

She sounds absolutely fucking tiring, needy and high maintenance

I couldn't love like that OP

This sounds like a classic anxious/avoidant attachment relationship.

This isn't just her. You sound detached and disconnected. You both need to work on this either together or alone.

Anxious attachers attract avoidance and vice versa so you will just keep repeating the pattern unless addressed.

Have a read of this:

www.rebeccavivashcounselling.com/post/cracking-the-code-anxious-and-avoidant-attachment-styles-demystified

There's loads of stuff on the interweb about it. There's a fantastic TED talk on it if you can find it.

Just to add the avoidant attachers are often VERY resistant to the fact that they may be part of the problem. But you not connecting is fuelling her anxiety, making her feel not safe and then amplifying all the behaviours you talk about in her that you don't like. Everything you've said that she's said just yells that she is needing connection with you. But she's just pushing you away as you feel criticised for not feeling right or not expressing it in the right way.. It's a horrible vicious circle.

My DH and I are anxious/avoidants and I could have written your post (or a very very similar one) a few years ago. But we have both worked really hard on it and are in a much better place. So it is possible but very hard to overcome. If you really want to make this one work, then couples therapy for both of you is probably a good idea.

@Megamooch I'm a complete grump but you don't sound annoying at all. Why not romanticise your life?

@GreyCarpet as I say, I'm quite grumpy, also very reserved and grew up quite shy. But I also grew up in a household with a depressed, angry father, whose moods dictated how the rest of us had to act and feel, and I get red flags from the OP. It's week 1 of living in their own place, it's not unreasonable for the gf to expect her partner to speak to her. I get the impression gf just wants a little romance. The text about going home, all OP had to say was 'on my way home, can't wait to see you and spend tonight in OUR flat!' and I bet she'd have been happy. Do you remember being 24? She shouldn't be telling OP how to feel, but I suspect that's a clumsy way of expressing her disappointment that OP isn't more enthusiastic.

I'd leave her like a shot. She sounds nuts. You're in for a world of trouble if you stay with her.