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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU for Inviting Family to Australia?

34 replies

freebirdblue · 15/10/2024 14:02

My sister and I both live in Australia, though we’re originally from the UK. She’s in her thirties, engaged, with kids, and owns her home. Growing up, her relationship with our parents wasn’t great, and I’d say both sides were at fault. Now, I feel my sister can still be selfish and ungrateful. She holds grudges, especially against our parents. For example, when she asked our mum to babysit (when we all lived in the UK), and mum couldn’t make the trip, my sister never let it go and still often claims mum wasn’t supportive (because of it) - for context, our parents lived two hours away, and they’re low-income, so spontaneous travel wasn’t easy/affordable for them.

Our mum is generous and thoughtful. She loves finding pieces and sends clothes across for my sister’s kids, but my sister looks down on them because she assumes mum only bought them because they were possibly on sale. Last year my older sister claimed she didn’t have money to buy anyone presents (but bought her in laws expensive gifts) so I bought everyone gifts on her behalf.

On the other hand, my sister has been very supportive of me since I moved here. I currently live in her spare room, pay minimal rent, and she cooks dinner for me every night. So while she can be difficult towards our parents, she can also be caring towards me.

Recently, I offered to fly our mum and younger sibling over to visit us in October as a Christmas present. Before extending the invite, I asked my sister if she’d be okay hosting, and she nodded yes, so I went ahead and confirmed with our family. But tonight, when we discussed it again, my sister said she and her partner plan to return to the UK next year and won’t have any annual leave left to entertain our family, saying that I could just do it. When I pressed her on whether they’d still be around in October, she said they’re saving and would go whenever it’s most affordable. When I asked if she’d prefer our family not to come, she avoided giving me a straight answer.

I love my sister but on occasions like this, I can’t help but feel frustrated with her and feel negative about her as a person.

So AIBU for being annoyed? I’ve already invited our mum and sister, but now I feel like they aren’t welcome, and I’m unsure how to handle this with both my sister and our mum.
My sister also knows they can’t afford a hotel and that I most likely won’t be in a situation (flatshare) where I could put them up either.

OP posts:
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Harry12345 · 21/10/2024 22:17

Meganssweatycrotch · 21/10/2024 21:08

You have a very enmeshed relationship with your sister. Are you her support system and she doesn’t want to upset you but yet doesn’t want to do what you have suggested? I would seek some therapy and review the relationships in the family. I wouldn’t relocate halfway round the world for a sibling because they were depressed and lonely. . I’m guessing you did it for other reasons too? if not, then that’s pretty bizarre.

Families come in all shapes and sizes, my sister is my best friend and I moved to stay with her in London for a year, it was the best time! Why wouldn’t someone take the opportunity to move to a sunny place and be closer to a family member? Bizarre is thinking we’re all the same or should act a certain way

Meganssweatycrotch · 21/10/2024 21:08

You have a very enmeshed relationship with your sister. Are you her support system and she doesn’t want to upset you but yet doesn’t want to do what you have suggested? I would seek some therapy and review the relationships in the family. I wouldn’t relocate halfway round the world for a sibling because they were depressed and lonely. . I’m guessing you did it for other reasons too? if not, then that’s pretty bizarre.

Anywherebuthere · 20/10/2024 17:19

Sounds your sister isn't totally sure of her own plans of where she will be and what point. And doesn't want to entertain family either. Nothing wrong with that. She obviously has different memories and experiences to you.

If you want to entertain/host people you'l have to do it yourself without expectation from her. Maybe you can book them into a hotel instead?

SkaneTos · 20/10/2024 17:11

Happy to read your update, @freebirdblue !
Sounds like everything will work out well.

Calliopespa · 20/10/2024 09:46

freebirdblue · 20/10/2024 02:12

Just an update.

My sister reached out and said that our mum and sister are more than welcome to come and stay, but reiterated that they won’t have annual leave to take off and spend with them. For context, my sister works part-time, and her partner is off evenings and weekends so there is still opportunities there for us to spend time together.

I lightly discussed the situation with my mum (without saying too much) and she said she would be happy to stay in a hotel, and will budget accordingly for it as she has a year to save. Just as an FYI: I will be taking two weeks off work while they’re here (which was always my plan) for those of you saying I’m expecting my sister to host and entertain.

I did say to my sister I was sorry for inviting them when it’s her house without properly discussing and would understand if she didn’t want to host, but my sister explained that they actually have no problem hosting but it is bad timing for them because they don’t have annual leave and they won’t have money either for activities.

My mum and younger sister will see my sister and her family when they visit the UK, so they’re quite happy with doing their own thing on the days they’re not available and would still like to come. For 1 of the weeks that they are here, we are renting a campervan and travelling the East Coast / and there’ll be a weekend trip (where I have extended the invite to my sister and her family, fully
paid for, and on the days they both have). My mum and younger sister aren’t going to be at my sisters house all the time, probably less than 50% off the time they’re here.

I understand the financial side of things, but I said to my sister that I would be more than happy to help out, pay for the activities, and our mum said she would also pay for things, that she doesn’t have to worry about money. My job pays generously, I don’t have any debt, extreme outgoings (even for when I do move out and factor in rent), so I can afford to spend my money on the people around me and with them - and still save.

Show quote history

You seem to have worked things out well oP.

Fwiw, I was thinking the same about the annual leave: you don’t need them to take it, especially if you take some. It’s fine to just spend time with them at weekends etc and let your DM and DSis have opportunities to explore alone. Things that seem interesting to them will be less interesting to the rest.
Well done for your facilitative approach.

Flatandhappy · 20/10/2024 07:46

It sounds like things have worked out which is great. Not being at your sister’s house the whole time is definitely a good idea. Our last family visit was a disaster mainly because they had promised to spend a week elsewhere but when it came to it didn’t so I ended up hugely resentful (and knackered) as the family concerned seemed to think it was an all inclusive resort including full on maid service and all the wine you can drink! I hope you all have a lovely time.

rosesaredeadvioletsaretoo · 20/10/2024 04:51

YABU. Your sister has welcomed you into her home and is putting you up. You know she doesn’t get on with or like your parents and get you invited them to visit?? She said yes, obviously just to be kind to you. She doesn’t need to stick around and make herself feel uncomfortable and shit, it’s more than enough that she’s not made a fuss about them coming!

Original poster
freebirdblue · 20/10/2024 02:12

freebirdblue · 15/10/2024 14:02

My sister and I both live in Australia, though we’re originally from the UK. She’s in her thirties, engaged, with kids, and owns her home. Growing up, her relationship with our parents wasn’t great, and I’d say both sides were at fault. Now, I feel my sister can still be selfish and ungrateful. She holds grudges, especially against our parents. For example, when she asked our mum to babysit (when we all lived in the UK), and mum couldn’t make the trip, my sister never let it go and still often claims mum wasn’t supportive (because of it) - for context, our parents lived two hours away, and they’re low-income, so spontaneous travel wasn’t easy/affordable for them.

Our mum is generous and thoughtful. She loves finding pieces and sends clothes across for my sister’s kids, but my sister looks down on them because she assumes mum only bought them because they were possibly on sale. Last year my older sister claimed she didn’t have money to buy anyone presents (but bought her in laws expensive gifts) so I bought everyone gifts on her behalf.

On the other hand, my sister has been very supportive of me since I moved here. I currently live in her spare room, pay minimal rent, and she cooks dinner for me every night. So while she can be difficult towards our parents, she can also be caring towards me.

Recently, I offered to fly our mum and younger sibling over to visit us in October as a Christmas present. Before extending the invite, I asked my sister if she’d be okay hosting, and she nodded yes, so I went ahead and confirmed with our family. But tonight, when we discussed it again, my sister said she and her partner plan to return to the UK next year and won’t have any annual leave left to entertain our family, saying that I could just do it. When I pressed her on whether they’d still be around in October, she said they’re saving and would go whenever it’s most affordable. When I asked if she’d prefer our family not to come, she avoided giving me a straight answer.

I love my sister but on occasions like this, I can’t help but feel frustrated with her and feel negative about her as a person.

So AIBU for being annoyed? I’ve already invited our mum and sister, but now I feel like they aren’t welcome, and I’m unsure how to handle this with both my sister and our mum.
My sister also knows they can’t afford a hotel and that I most likely won’t be in a situation (flatshare) where I could put them up either.

Just an update.

My sister reached out and said that our mum and sister are more than welcome to come and stay, but reiterated that they won’t have annual leave to take off and spend with them. For context, my sister works part-time, and her partner is off evenings and weekends so there is still opportunities there for us to spend time together.

I lightly discussed the situation with my mum (without saying too much) and she said she would be happy to stay in a hotel, and will budget accordingly for it as she has a year to save. Just as an FYI: I will be taking two weeks off work while they’re here (which was always my plan) for those of you saying I’m expecting my sister to host and entertain.

I did say to my sister I was sorry for inviting them when it’s her house without properly discussing and would understand if she didn’t want to host, but my sister explained that they actually have no problem hosting but it is bad timing for them because they don’t have annual leave and they won’t have money either for activities.

My mum and younger sister will see my sister and her family when they visit the UK, so they’re quite happy with doing their own thing on the days they’re not available and would still like to come. For 1 of the weeks that they are here, we are renting a campervan and travelling the East Coast / and there’ll be a weekend trip (where I have extended the invite to my sister and her family, fully
paid for, and on the days they both have). My mum and younger sister aren’t going to be at my sisters house all the time, probably less than 50% off the time they’re here.

I understand the financial side of things, but I said to my sister that I would be more than happy to help out, pay for the activities, and our mum said she would also pay for things, that she doesn’t have to worry about money. My job pays generously, I don’t have any debt, extreme outgoings (even for when I do move out and factor in rent), so I can afford to spend my money on the people around me and with them - and still save.

OP posts:
Original poster
freebirdblue · 20/10/2024 01:57

WorthyBlueHare · 19/10/2024 16:13

YABU. She said she couldn’t afford to buy family Christmas presents and now she’s working out her holiday based on affordability. You might want to check in with her about if you should be paying more rent or making plans to move out. Or maybe she doesn’t want to see your family.

You seem to be able to take a lot of credit for Xmas gifts when she is subsidising your life. If you want to keep freeloading off her like this, you should be very careful how you approach conversations where you don’t understand her approach.

You clearly didn’t read one of my previous replies before commenting? In terms of the gifts I subsidised, no one was aware bar my sister that I had done the same. I have also offered to pay more multiple times but they refuse.

OP posts:
SkaneTos · 19/10/2024 18:30

@YouveGotAFastCar wrote
"Siblings often have different memories and views of their parents. Neither of your opinions negates the other."

I agree with this.

SkaneTos · 19/10/2024 18:28

I understand that you love and care for both your older sister, and you mother, and your younger sister.

But your older sister is entitled to her own opinion of your parents, and her own relationship with them.

Even if you help your older sister a lot, with many things, I think that you have to accept that you live in her spare room, and that it is the decision of her and her partner if they want to host her mother and other sister.
You write that "she nodded yes". Perhaps it would have been better if you had a real discussion about the situation.

You write that your mother and sister can not afford to stay at a hotel. Is there any chance that they can afford to stay at a hostel, or a cheaper hotel?

I hope everything will work out for you all.

WorthyBlueHare · 19/10/2024 16:13

YABU. She said she couldn’t afford to buy family Christmas presents and now she’s working out her holiday based on affordability. You might want to check in with her about if you should be paying more rent or making plans to move out. Or maybe she doesn’t want to see your family.

You seem to be able to take a lot of credit for Xmas gifts when she is subsidising your life. If you want to keep freeloading off her like this, you should be very careful how you approach conversations where you don’t understand her approach.

Harry12345 · 19/10/2024 14:06

Why are people saying she can’t invite people when she said she asked her sister first and she said yes?
I think your sister sounds really entitled and it’s a shame for you that you can’t all come together, I’d be upset to

Coconutter24 · 19/10/2024 08:14

Recently, I offered to fly our mum and younger sibling over to visit us in October as a Christmas present. Before extending the invite, I asked my sister if she’d be okay hosting, and she nodded yes, so I went ahead and confirmed with our family. But tonight, when we discussed it again, my sister said she and her partner plan to return to the UK next year and won’t have any annual leave left to entertain our family, saying that I could just do it.

Are you planning taking annual leave to entertain them? Your sister has said they can stay at her home but that she hasn’t enough annual leave so can you not do the entertaining whilst she is at work and then sister can see them after work?

HappyTwo · 19/10/2024 08:08

saraclara · 15/10/2024 14:21

You can't invite people, even your parents, to stay with someone else! Even if she's they daughter.
You're getting bed and board for next to nothing, and now expecting her to host, entertain and feed them because YOU'VE invited them?

It's not your house to invite them to!

This

Flatandhappy · 19/10/2024 08:05

Having people to stay for 2-3 weeks tests the best of relationships so I’m not sure why you thought this was a good idea. Presumably your sister has either thought about it properly or has had a conversation with her partner and it sounds like it isn’t something she really wants. Pushing ahead is going to cause all kinds of grief - you really can’t issue an invite like that unless you are the only person affected. If you can’t afford independent accommodation for them I think you need to go back and make whatever excuse you need to to withdraw the invite.

Calliopespa · 19/10/2024 08:00

freebirdblue · 15/10/2024 14:23

Far from freeloading, I only moved to Australia because my sister was feeling depressed and lonely, and she asked me to relocate.

I pay $$$ per week in rent and say it's minimal because it's about half of the typical rental prices here. I’ve offered to pay more, but my sister always declines and even gets offended if I try to send extra money, returning it to me.

For my first two months here, I only worked casually and didn’t travel because I was helping them with childcare while my brother-in-law’s parents were away. I also cover the costs of big family outings, like trips to the zoo or AFL games, and I regularly take my niece and nephew on trips.

On top of that, I treat my sister and her partner to a monthly date night, covering the costs ($$$) and babysitting for them. I often babysit so they can have time together or to themselves, and I wake up early on weekends to take care of the kids, giving them a chance to sleep in.

All in all, what I save in rent, they save more on in terms of childcare and babysitting. We both acknowledge that it's quite balanced.

Show quote history

I actually wish you were my sister!

ETA but I can see from her DH’s pov it might all be starting to seem like “ Relation Invasion!”

Calliopespa · 19/10/2024 07:56

saraclara · 15/10/2024 14:21

You can't invite people, even your parents, to stay with someone else! Even if she's they daughter.
You're getting bed and board for next to nothing, and now expecting her to host, entertain and feed them because YOU'VE invited them?

It's not your house to invite them to!

I was wondering if maybe her DH was starting to say things like this in the background! I can understand op that with the tensions between your Dsis and mum you immediately connected it to that, but it may be a more straightforward objection to the arrangement . I do admire your efforts to keep everyone together and in contact.

YouveGotAFastCar · 19/10/2024 07:55

Siblings often have different memories and views of their parents. Neither of your opinions negates the other.

Your sisters relationship with them isn’t good; and is limited to being friendly when you’re on FaceTime with your mum. That’s not your problem to fix. She doesn’t really want them to come over, but she’s not said they can’t - just that she won’t be there. That’s really, really reasonable.

Yours is different and you’d rather fly them over. That’s lovely, although I do think they should make some contribution to costs; and if they can’t; it’s not a holiday they can afford to take right now.

To be honest, in your situation, I’d be mapping out how it can work without using your sisters home as a base for parents she has a difficult relationship with, because your sister is lovely to you and it sounds like you’ve got a good relationship, and I wouldn’t want to sour that. If it’s not possible, perhaps you go home for Christmas instead?

But even if you keep things as they are, don’t expect your sister to use up valuable AL on your parents when she doesn’t want to see them. It’s enough that she’s willing to have them in her house. More than enough.

ZekeZeke · 19/10/2024 07:48

You invite = you host

BeWittyRobin · 19/10/2024 07:45

your request for her to host to be insinuated that it was so they could stay at her home. Having to take annual leave when it’s your gift I think is unreasonable of you to accept and then take offence and be annoyed.

you both clearly have very different relationships with your parents and neither one should accept you to change those. It’s your gift then you take leave from your job to entertain. Because in essence expecting her to take annual leave when they come that’s what you are wanting from her not to host and have the stay at her house but you are miffed because she’s not prepared to use her annual holiday to entertain xx

Lemonadeand · 15/10/2024 14:47

I don’t think you can offer to host in someone else’s house unless the person you’re renting from is fully on board with it. I know that’s frustrating and disappointing. None of the rest of the back story really matters, because regardless of whether she’s right or wrong it’s her house.

Sporadica · 15/10/2024 14:26

Under the circumstances, I think more of a conversation than a nod yes might have been better, as you were inviting them to stay in someone else's house. But as things stand, it sounds like your sister has no objection to them staying with you at her house, just won't/can't commit to actively hosting or even being there herself? If so, I think you can go ahead with your plans as long as you're sure your sister won't have moved away and left you homeless before the visit.

Also, I would stop doing things like buying presents from your sister to your mother unless she explicitly asked you to do that. Your sister seems to have a lot of patience for you, but it's fundamentally unfair to manipulate things between her and other family members. She's an adult and has the right to manage her own relationships and if your mother wants to push back (for example, if your mother thinks that your sister is taking advantage asking for "UK goodies") that's got to be up to her.

Ponoka7 · 15/10/2024 14:26

Did she ask her partner and confirm before you extended the invite? A proper conversation should have been had. You need to accept that your sister doesn't feel the same way about your Mum as you do and it isn't for you to say that she is wrong.

Birdscratch · 15/10/2024 14:26

Has she actually said that they can’t stay at her house?