Is it weaponised incompetence or are men just rubbish?

Yeah

Don't be so bloody smug. You know as well as any woman that often issues around chores do not make themselves know until it's "too late" - ie when you've had a child and the household requirements are multiple, constant and require planning

Yes and then they want a fucking round of applause for doing one job while you've done 10 in the same time period.

If my DH dies or leaves me I'm never living with another man again

Jesus. Your NP is nothing short of evil

@JaninaDuszejko this is such a good post. It would be like saying mysogyny doesn't exist and women do not have the same career prospects as men because of their brains.

I'm a childless woman. Even I feel I have had to work harder and be louder than any man to move up the ranks. It has nothing to do with my brain. Women have to show they can already do some of the next job in order to get a promotion. Men get promoted with the assumption they will learn the next job. As a woman you also have to proof that you are an expert at your job (the scepticism and 'advice' I received from men who have never even done my role is unreal) whereas men are automatically trusted to do their job adequately well.

Also men and women’s brains ARE different and traditionally male and female tasks started that way because it is generally speaking what each gender is good at!

This is quite simply not true. There is no evidence to suggest major differences in male and female brain function. Our brains have great plasticity and we train boys and girls differently from a young age. However, how we train them varies from society to society. So 100 years ago medicine and teaching were male dominated and are now female dominated. Knitting was historically a highly paid male profession. While ~15% of engineers in the UK are female, in Spain it is 30% and in Russia 40%. If there really was a gendered difference in brain function that would remain consistent across geography and time.

We need to stop the bullshit and bring up our children to do all tasks, and not base what we encourage them to do on their genitals.

I do believe it is weaponised incompetence the vast majority of the time. If a man is fully capable of having a “big” job, he is capable of working a washing machine and running the hoover around.

I think we have such low expectations of men that many of them would happily live down to the low standards we set. They aren’t genetically incapable of hoovering properly.

I’ve lived with a partner who was useless (round the house, organising things, with money). When dating, I saw how some single men lived. One of the (many) things in my current DP’s favour was him having his shit together. He kept his house clean and organised, he cooked himself proper meals, he managed his finances properly, he did at least his share of organising joint plans. Basic stuff, but it’s depressingly rare.

My DH is a trusted advisor to FTSE100 companies and multinationals worth billions. I have given up showing him how to stack plates in the drainer thing.

It is definitely strategic incompetence. He’s too smart to not know how to do this.

No mine is genuinely useless at some things. I know he’s not doing it badly on purpose so that I will do it, as he knows full well I won’t do it and I will have a go at him until he does it. I do think he has ADHD though.

They just can't be bothered and have no interest in it.since I chucked my useless husband out my life has improved 100%. I've got the job I always wanted, bought a bigger house which is always tidy and my finances are always sorted. The garden always looks great.
I no longer have to go hunting round the house for his hidden debt and clean up his dreadful mess. I don't know how I stuck it for 20 years. No sex pestering or whingeing either.

I suspect this is the case much of the time. And also indifference to the fact that doing things to certain standards is important to their partner. And many men don’t care about their partners to the degree that they will learn how to do stuff they find completely boring or unimportant, for them. They also aren’t socialised to think ‘I need to learn to do boring shit for the sake of others around me’. Women are. Vast generalisations of course but apply in many cases.

I also think in some cases women can be insufferably inflexible about ‘their way’ of doing things. I remember a conversation with a woman in her 60s who had taken care of laundry her whole life due to her DH’s incompetency in her view. When unpicked it turned out that she insisted every item be hung up in a particular order on the line, facing a certain way etc, which sounded like a preference and not about a practical improvement. Sometimes I can see why a man would say ‘fuck that’. But equally as I said above, I’d like to think genuine love for someone means sometimes going along with their batshit preferences because you want them to be happy.

You are absolutely on the money here.

Reminds me of a guy I dated. We went to a function together. There were six of us around the table. The waiter bought some appetisers to the table and placed them in the middle. There were six. I immediately thought, right, so we have one each. He proceeded to take two. I was embarrassed so didn't have one so everyone else would be able to.

@SlothOnARope what a sad post. How often does soul destroying tech stuff need doing? And how often do typical household chores doing?

No, men are the centre of their own universe. It's as simple as that. Women are taught from a young age to care about everything and everyone, ideally before themselves. Men are not taught this. All the things that need doing are therefore not on their radar. It's infuriating.

I recently was on a business dinner with 4 men. I took the bread basket and took a piece and was asking a man to put it back in the middle please. Instead all men started taking bread out of the basket and I had to say again 'please put it in the middle'. They simply thought I was serving them.

It's interesting how men arent so helpless in the workplace and manage to work their way up. Also always interesting to see how some men find younger female colleagues to do 'admin' work for them.

It works for men, so why would they see a need to change anything.

What have you ‘failed’ at? And why is it just his mum’s fault? His father is equally to blame for not raising him well.

I honestly pity your son’s future girlfriend. Many women (rightfully) don’t want to put in the effort ‘look after’ a man these days, especially one who cannot be bothered to cook more than two specific meals. Young women are going to be far more tech savvy than someone of your generation, so what exactly will he bring to the table for a future relationship?

“Managed incompetence” is a frequently used phrase in our house. DH is in a very highly paid prestigious role and clearly great at his job. But washjng, dealing with our dodgy heating , cleaning the cat tray out… total numpty so clearly I’ve failed after 25 years of marriage. I blame his DM who did everything for the whole family without expecting any support. He obviously has other redeeming qualities otherwise I’d have been long gone 😂

Meals have to be cooked every day. How often are routers installed and TV reprogrammed in your house?

My husband is far mair competent than me at a load of hoosehold tasks. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I think it works both ways. Eg DS refuses to cook anything new, or learn, so has 2 or possibly 3 meal options if left to himself. He may think life is too short, if there's a female around who can do it easier and better. But on the other hand, I refuse to install routers, reprogram tellys or do soul destroying tech stuff because life really is too short for me to learn, get it wrong and irritate the entire family, so I will cook DS dinner while he does it and gets it right 1st time.

IME men rarely have to do these jobs so they genuinely don't really know how. I never did housework as a child and at university genuinely had to google how to clean a bathroom & other basic stuff because I had NO idea what products to use/ how to do it. Many men I think actually have no idea at all. It's not an excuse & they need to step up and learn (like I now have lol) but sometimes I don't think it's "weaponised incompetence" but "actual incompetence" lol

Yes to whoever said men don't multitask!

Mine husband can and does.

I try, but I find it difficult and stressful.

Um,no, they're not different.

I have had (ahem) quite a large number of husbands/live in partners. And every single one of them has considered that housework is easy, that women make it look difficult for some reason (perhaps to justify the complaining about it) and that if you just concentrate you can keep a house immaculate to hotel standards, work a day job, care for the children and animals, etc etc.

They then do one task, usually reluctantly, to ridiculous standards which takes all day, and pretend that women could do this too but choose not to, carefully ignoring the fact that they have done ONE THING in the time it would take me to clean the entire house, walk the dog, cook the dinner and help the kids with homework. Because they don't want to do it. They'd rather concentrate on stuff they enjoy.

I remain single now and only get annoyed with myself over jobs not being done.