This video shouldn’t be on his phone. It shouldn't even exist!

For those saying you need to confront him he wont tell you the truth will he. Hence you thinking you will drive yourself crazy. Keep a track of evidence on your phone. Dates and what happened. His responses your feelings. Take it to therapy. I did this and soon realised I wasn’t the crazy one. Good luck op.

But if he does lie/gas-light you isn't that confirmation?

I understand you just want this not to have happened, but it is happening so please get real life support c

Why don’t you just confront him? You’re literally gaslighting yourself here. He doesn’t even have to gaslight you, you’re doing it to yourself! Why is your self esteem so low? Perhaps you need to work on that and get some professional help with setting and enforcing boundaries. Stop rubbishing your feelings and ignoring your intuition. Go with your gut. Your gut is telling you that at the very least you’re uncomfortable with what’s happening and what will happen if he says he’s going away with the same group again. If things are this bad atm, why not just blow it up and get it out in the open? It’s ok to have uncomfortable feelings. And you should be able to voice those to your husband and talk through them. If you can’t, why not? What is missing in your relationship that makes you feel emotionally unsafe to do so?

It's seems as though you are going to see how this plays out and you don't have any capital with your husband.

He's definitely carrying on as if you are not an important factor as to whether he had/has an affair, he's pretty secure that you won't mind or he's fallen head over heels because he's not hiding the impact that meeting her has had on him and how he is making changes to his life to try and be close and pursue her.

I understand that you want to bury your head in the sand, but you seem incredibly stressed to me, how long can you live like that? Especially as your marriage seems to be being dissolved by your husband.

Have you got friends and support in real life? Could you cope with your husband leaving you for good?
It might be worth getting professional support like therapy while this is going on, it won't change the outcome but might give you some help understanding why you don't have closeness or connection with your husband, yet are very scared he will leave you.

@SpaceyChapman, I just posted on your other thread where you announced the latest development. I’m not sure which thread you want to focus on.

I agree with @BustyLaRoux that your marriage is under threat. Your H is working toward having a rendezvous each month with this new woman in his life.

I believe you are doing yourself a great disservice by keeping quiet and swallowing your unsettled feelings. Strong, decisive action from you is warranted.

Gosh I read your update on your other thread. Wow! That’s a bit of a turn up. I completely understand how you feel. I’d be very concerned. There is no guarantee he will get the job of course. And there is no guarantee she would welcome any advances from him (despite being a nymphomanic gymnast 😉). I do think he is thinking with his dick, as so many men do. Honestly I think he is mentally beginning an affair. It may come to nothing or, if it all lines up, be the start of the affair he seems to be after. I do understand a desire to put your head in the sand and hope it all goes away. Can I ask if there is a reason you’ve chosen the path of least resistance? (You don’t have to answer). Are you frightened of the answer maybe? If he says yes he does fancy her? Do you generally avoid any kind of conflict? How do you resolve other contentious matters with him? Is it just this issue which you’re struggling to confront him about? (Questions for you, rather than ones you need to reply to here).

Of course it’s up to you, but this is dangerous territory now. Sharing recipes and mooning over his wank bank video are one thing. Trying to engineer a monthly visit to her home town out of the blue is entirely another. What’s that expression? “Shit’s getting real”. I think you need to find your voice and say something. This is very not OK. I hope you’re OK x

www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5189316-this-crosses-the-line-by-exactly-349-miles?reply=139096808

Entirely your decision and we must respect that. It’s not for anyone on here to tell you what to do. You came for advice. That is all. Good of you to come back and update everyone.

If you do this, it will eat away at you and come back to bite you.

I would go for an honest conversation, tell him this video and the sudden cooking interest and sharing to gain her attention, has sent you into panic mode, he is trying to gain her approval to strike a connection her in particular, as you say she is young and could be unaware of his intentions, other people in the group could of noticed also , it's all rather embarrassing on his part and extremely upsetting for you his dedicated wife.
Your gut is telling you all you need and on top of that you've seen evidence of an obvious crush (on his part) , they could have private banter , or she could also be taken by his attention which you picked up on in the video (by the sounds of it).
If your previous post was angry then that's how you felt in that instance, nobody should judge you , you felt this was a safe place to offload. I am sorry you are going through these emotions, you wouldn't feel like this for no reason.
You obviously love your husband and he has disrespected you and his vows, he is obviously trying to impress this woman through cooking.
Don't let this eat you up , just bring it up and tell him if it was the other way around he would be equally unimpressed and worried.

100% filmed for the wank bank

I think this is a good way of handling it.

Good luck, OP

This happened in our house. The moony look, the mentonitis. CLEARLY something up. So I talked to him, as if I was talking to a friend with a problem I wanted to help. Explained I wasn't interested in keeping him in a relationship if he wanted to be elsewhere. No asking, no accusing, just telling what I knew was real.

He was very taken back, clearly hadn't noticed I'd noticed. Didn't have a sensible explanation. But it went away, or rather she did as she moved away. The behaviour went back to normal.

Your DH has clearly developed a bit of a thing for her.

So speak to him, let him know you've noticed and that you know what this is; rather than asking him and triggering lying.

I think you need to tell him how you feel and see what happens.

Anyone who expect their partner to never fancy anyone else assuming that if they love you it just won't happen is deluded. Finding someone attractive is not the issue. It's how it's dealt with. And he's not dealing this well.

Even watching the video I could forgive if there was no chance of them ever meeting again and he'd had the respect not to do it in front of the OP. That would be little different to a celebrity crush. But to brazenly go puppy eyed in front of her and now to start fishing for WhatsApp engagement is disrespectful.

As he's quite open about it he either doesn't care how it makes the OP feel or he's so lacking in self awareness that he doesn't realise his 'harmless' antics could lead him into an emotional affair and then possibly a physical one if this woman happened to reciprocate his attention. I suspect she won't and nothing will happen but he needs to wake up and stop or risk hurting the OP and damaging his relationship.

I thought that too.

Seems reasonable.

Op did you confront your dh ?

You are who you are and your feelings are your own. Never mind what anyone else thinks about how you should feel.
If you feel insecure now after seeing this video what happens when he wants to go on another retreat?
Tell him how you feel - that he needs to respect this, delete the video and consider your feelings and relationship before embarking on another such trip.

This reads like AI

All of this.

Be reasonable. DH has every right to enjoy new friendships with both men and women. You do. How many guy friends do you have and would it be just fine if the woman was "ugly"? Your jealousy could result in your DH doing more. At this point, DG has a video and maybe he has a great conversation with this woman. Maybe, you should communicate after you deal with your own insecurities. Sorry if this sounds cruel, but jealousy and assumption are easy cop outs. Do yourself a favor and ask DH about his new friend. Do not demand that he delete the video.