To be disappointed & offended by this

You must not have been around many young children. OP said her child was embarrassed hence why they threw their leggings for fear of the couple finding out. A 5/6 year old isn't really rational enough to push through embarrassment and do the right thing, are they?

This is what I don’t get with comments like this. You have kids yourself, and yet a 6 year old who has an embarrassing accident at your home means you ban them from ever visiting again?! Kids make mistakes. Everyone makes mistakes. Poo can be washed off. Unkindness not so easily removed with soap.

OP, given your friend was so warm to your little girl, do you think she is in full agreement with her partner about not having children? Maybe that's another factor in all this.

It sounds to me like it might be nice for you and her to meet one another half-way for a weekend and just hang out and chat. It could clear the air a bit and make everything less dependent on your particular living circumstances. She might even feel able to confide in you if she's unhappy with her partner or if he's being overly controlling.

I can see that if he has a limited tolerance for socialising he might find children a bit tricky to be around as they require adjustments in the way he interacts, and maybe he is not confident enough about his social communication to take that on.

By the way, I do get why you feel a bit hurt but if you want to move on I'd say you need to have some time just with your friend to see if there's something behind all this.

Ah I see I misunderstood your post, you weren’t actually asking why childfree posters are on Mumsnet. Apologies.

Sounds like your friend was a bit naive about the reality of a having a small child to stay. There’s a difference between playing with a kid in their own environment for a couple of hours and having them as a houseguest, in a foreign country, for three days.

The partner, and the fact it’s his flat, changes things further.

And no - not a shock !! I know lots on here who are child free! It’s not that at all. It’s the downgrading way that some commenters refer to children. Like mumsnet hardly seems the place for that whether you have kids or not!

Right. But why would someone be on here saying children are as dull as rats ????

This might come as a bit of a shock to you, but Mumsnet welcomes posters without children. There is even a Mumsnetters Witnout Children board.

Makes you wonder what on earth their life must be like to be so downgrading and condescending to a total stranger on here. I also really don’t understand the commenters who are generally downgrading about children - like why are you on Mumsnet?????? 🙃

Yea that is my fear. It wasn't so much what was said but the twitchy nervous reaction. My friend suggested one night we have a drink on the balcony and the partner didn't want to and said no, thats not happening and said something like 'I've allowed you bring a whole family into our home, isn't that enough?' and friend says of course we don't need to go on the balcony anyway and that was that. I'm still cringing thinking about it. They were very physical together holding hands and kisses which I thought was even weirder to be honest, I'd be shooting daggers at DH if he was rude to my guests!

It is his home, and it sounds like he is ND, but even if he isn’t children aren’t for everyone op, it’s not personal.

He may well find socialising difficult and having a child stay in his home hard, it is hard when you aren't used to kids. But he was reasonable when you were there, all he has said is that he doesn't want kids in his apartment and that is his right.

I don’t think I would extend an invite after the soiled leggings incident and I have children!!!

Ifs run it’s course op. No need to be hurt just move on.

Honestly I stay away from Mumsnet for absolutely ages at a time. Then delve back in and then I’m always reminded why I stay away for long periods of time. It’s worrying to me that they are influencing young minds at home. The very quick assumptions and judgments are mind-boggling.

Actually having read your OP again I think you have to either stay elsewhere when you go (if it's Berlin you could get a nice hostel that would not be expensive) or go alone. In my experience of German culture, homes are very much a private space and being invited to stay is quite a big deal. They are often more reserved/private and it's clearly too much for her partner, and it's his flat. Maybe he's had a few too many house guests and has had enough, I don't think it's your fault or your child's it's just that he finds it too much. Past a certain point many people get tired of house guests, I know I have!

oh I’ve lots of kids but don’t recognise your characterisation. Maybe your children are particularly annoying?

It is hurtful but at least she is being honest and establishing boundaries (not possible for you and your DD to stay in the flat). It is up to you now if you want to stay in a hotel and still visit or just let this go.

Depends on the personalities involved though. Depends on how invested the mother is, in the friendships she’s nurturing. Choosing to take your time and energy away from your small children is a sacrifice (the time goes so fast and they aren’t little for long) and if it feels like the time away from your little family isn’t appreciated by the friend, then it’s not worth it in my opinion. Especially if my children are actually banned from that person’s home.

My child is only 3 and I’d still be mortified if they threw pooey trousers at someone’s wall and I wouldn’t want to stay again after that.

Things like that are particularly gross for non parents so you can’t blame him for being put off.

OP I totally understand you are offended. Your pals partner sounds unpleasant and I see how she may be torn but at the end of the day has to go along with partners wishes. Any adult should understand that a child becomes part of the package for a while and inviting someone without their children is just token when it's not possible.

I had a similar experience recently, a friend who lives overseas has been asking for years that we come and stay. Ds1 was a nightmare we couldn't bring him anywhere and then I had two more so my wings were clipped for many years. Now they are between 10 and 16 we finally went to visit this Summer. Friend insisted we stay and we purchased inflatable beds to be delivered. Friend couldn't do enough for us but the partner made it very obvious we weren't wanted. There were lots of rules about not eating in the house and timings of things. The partner wasn't rude to us and was quite nice but made comments constantly in front of us to my friend- maybe you could tell YOUR friends to not talk to loudly/ spend time in the shower etc. My pal was constantly anxious and fussing and I got the impression there was going to be a lot of payback or consequences for inviting us. I know I could never visit again with or without my kids as I have developed a very low opinion of the friends partner.