Do you shout at your children?

Very rarely. I tend to change my tone more than shout. My DD doesn't like that either, but I always point out that she could have avoided my stern voice by doing what she was told the third time when I asked her nicely.

My childhood, parenting and professional experiences are all more or less in line with yours, OP. I don’t shout at my youngest because I understand the impacts of this now, but did with my eldest. Yet still I find myself wondering if I’m being too gentle with my youngest. I’m torn between research around child development and psychology which suggests more gentle approaches, and family, friends (and MNers!) who tut at my apparent “gentle parenting”. Recently, whenever DS is having a meltdown, I find myself panicking about what the best response is. Do I go with my gut and be gentle with clear boundaries, or do I take the advice of everyone else and tell him off? It’s a conundrum.

Now that they are teenagers.

Yes it happens. It's better than murdering then.

When they were younger only in safety/danger situation. E.g don't run into traffic.

Yes I occasionally do sometimes mainly when he does something dangerous or about to accidentally hurt someone and I'm aware I need to work on it. My ds is extremely hard work with suspected adhd and he is very difficult to parent. Everything is uphill. I feel very guilty when I do as it's not his fault for being the way he is. I get overwhelmed by him a lot and he is extremely physically and mentally full on.

Yes. When I've been repeatedly ignored then I shout.

Incredibly rarely, like about 3 times in 22 years. I have been known to raise my voice of a morning when we are meant to have left the house and a 14 year old realised he doesn’t know where he left his shoes and hasn’t packed a bag and then starts a hunt for headphones but I think that’s understandable

I'm afraid I have done a lot when they were little. I'm quite an easygoing attentive mum but for 5 days I have terrible PMDD. I have 3 kids all ND a mix of AuDHD, ASD and ADHD. So a heady mix of emotions.
It was the mornings that were worst. I often explained to them that I sometimes ended up shouting because I have to ask them to do most things at least 3 times each which would be 9 times for each thing. Sometimes if was more on one bit and less on nother but because they were easily distracted because of being ND it averaged out. Couldn't ask them at the same time as needed to separate them as one of them had a tendency to be violent in the morning.
So getting dressed (9), eating breakfast (9), brush teeth (9) brush hair/wash face (9), get PE kit/swimming stuff/instrument/homework in bags(9), but lunch box in bag (9) put on shoes (9), put on coat (9). Let alone all the fighting between them, the inability to decide what to wear or eat that morning despite pre planning it.
So that's 72 times of asking every morning. Over the years I tried charts and pictures and using sign language, big voice, little voices, getting everything ready before, talking about it the night before. But nothing much changed so eventually every few days I would shout. It made everyone feel bad but always got them out the door.
They are teens now and we have a good relationship, I almost never shout now. I think I prefer shouting than when people go really quiet. MIL does this and I find it terrifying! She then also holds a grudge for days whereas I get annoyed and then get over it in a few minutes. Apologise for shouting and being silly and we're friends again.

I do - on the very very odd occasion and usually when I’ve already asked nicely about 10 times and been completely ignored. However I always apologise to DD afterwards, and have a conversation about how my reaction wasn’t her fault and I should have done better. Equally, if she shouts at me, we have a similar conversation about how it should have been handled better so there is that mutual respect for each other.

I also grew up in a household where my mother would hit us and scream at us rather than talking all the time - she never ever apologised and I just remember going into school or going to bed crying most days (and we have a pretty shit relationship now I’m an adult and have realised those faults growing up) and I vowed that DD would never experience that.

Yes I do when they've pushed me to the edge and they just aren't listening - so I have to shout over the noise and arguing

I never shouted when i just had the one child - she was so well behaved but throw 3 in the mix and I'm outnumbered. Wonder how many of these "I would never shout" parents have only 1 child 🤔

Nope shouting solves nothing.

Yes but I don’t call him names like mum did to me

Occasionally when I've lost my rag, but it's a moment when I've unfortunately lost control not something I actually want to do.

Shouting absolutely does not work to modify behaviour, just upsets everyone. Only time it's useful is to shock stop them from doing something dangerous, like walking out in a road etc.

Yes. I recognise that when I do it’s because I’ve lost control of my own emotions. It’s something I work on and try to avoid. But I do more often than I’d like to admit. I’m a loud, highly strung person and it’s something I’m constantly working on but I haven’t yet eliminated it. I always apologise if I’ve overstepped.

I grew up in a similar house, and have made a conscious effort with DS not to shout, so no.

That being said, I only have 1 DS and he's reasonably well behaved ~ I'm sure I would've lost my cool by now if it were more challenging (and I still have the teen years to come 🫠)

Yes, but only once I've lost my patience. She's 7 and possibly ADHD and does really push me. I wish I didn't though.

I did sometimes shout when my DC were younger, but it was something I tried to avoid, it was a sign that I had lost control of my own emotional regulation.

This is not true at all. You don’t have to train teenagers to get them ‘used’ to being screamed at.

If you have a teen thet hasn’t been exposed to anger and shouting, they certainly do not desolve into tears! They distance themselves from those types of people, which is exactly why they won’t have issues with abusers and bullies.

Teens that are used to being treated with care and respect treat others in the same way, and attract friends that are of a similar nature.

My teens would think the problem lies with the person shouting and would leave to it, as they should.

You don’t mistreat children to ‘toughen’ them up, you treat them well so they know what to expect and look for in later life!

I can count on one hand the number of times I have raised my voice over the last year, that's to anyone. It's not a very a shouty person. I don't find it helps situations.

Only time I'd shout is in an emergency. I want to make sure it is effective when needed

Firm boundaries and consistency coupled with respect and understanding. Model behaviours you like to see and set the example. You don't want your child to shout (don't shout at them).

Label and acknowledge big emotions, give them strategies to manage these emotions. Big emotions do not excuse bad behaviour so in my house there are natural consequences.

Everyone parents differently, trends and advice fluctuates continually.

Yes unfortunately it's been more times than I'd like recently due to menopausal rage although I'm finding I'm a lot more patient than I was since starting hrt (still a way to go though) and I don't want to be that shouty parent. They don't listen to me half the time though and sometimes the only way I can get them to do things like put their shoes on when we have to be somewhere on time, after asking them nicely then firmly 6 times is to then raise my voice I hate it. Their dad only has to say firmly once and they do it! But there's no physicality and if I feel I really have gone ott on shouting I will always apologise to them and acknowledge that it's not a nice way to behave towards someone. It's definitely better since our 3 year old started sleeping through the night.

All of our kids seem to have no trouble apologising when they've not behaved well too so I'm taking that as a win, at least in demonstrating how to behave after you've behaved poorly.

I imagine this is most of us. But I have started sometimes, instead of raising my voice, going up to sit next to her and whispering what I want her to do in her ear. It makes her laugh and quite often gets her moving much faster!

No, I discipline by being firm but don’t shout. I grew up with a volatile father and do my upmost not to follow in his footsteps.

I did a course called circle of security and it really helped with moments when kids push your buttons.

Any advice welcome, obviously:)

No.

I grew up in a house like you describe and I vowed my children would not grow up in fear.

Shouting achieves nothing as most children/people shut down and look to protect themselves: they literally stop listening.

I have found other strategies work much better with children. I would consider shooting at an autistic child to be abusive actually.

I’m quite relieved to see some of you have distinguished between shouting and raising your voice. I feel like I don’t do the former but I do definitely do the latter and have been feeling really guilty.

trouble is, I can say ‘put your shoes on’ in my normal voice 10 bazillion times and it’s only the final time when in frustration I say ‘PUT YOUR SHOES ON, NOW’ that I get two small children put down the craft/toys/books and scurry to actually put their shoes on, 5 minutes after I actually wanted them to. I try timers, reminders etc and nothing really works.

I have a handful of times when my kids were smaller, I was trapped in an emotionally and financially abusive relationship, exhausted and at the end of my tether. I got out, apologized to my kids for those times and haven’t shouted since, though I do speak firmly occasionally.

My kids are incredibly well-behaved so I definitely don’t think shouting is necessary. Clear boundaries and “natural”consequences (eg if you refuse to get off the PlayStation one day, you won’t be allowed on it the next) are much more effective IMO.