Do you shout at your children?

Yes, but it’s controlled and deliberate. Not a shouting rant. I raise my voice and sharply and succinctly tell them if they are behaving unacceptably and what behaviour I expect from them. When they are ignoring me or doing something dangerous it brings them back to expectations.

My, my, aren't you all a load of saints tonight!😇😇😇

This resonates. Thanks for taking the time to post this, I found it quite reassuring x

My upbringing was ' different' also. Witnessing physical abuse, emotional manipulation, emotional neglect. I have always always tried so hard to not be anything like this. I have lost it spectacularly a few times over the years. And I believe that it takes a certain mix of life ingredients to make it almost impossible sometimes not to lose it.

The people who reply with understanding and support will probably share some of the life ingredients that you have. It's difficult to compare and ask for relatable responses from people who have no comprehension.

One key ingredient I refer to is parenting an ND child. Everyone is different of course but this generally can involve living life whereby you are on high alert almost continually, judged appallingly by family and strangers, maybe friends behind your back. And anyone who thinks they can relate who doesn't parent in this scenario simply cannot.

I shouted and swore at my young teen recently. I completely lost it and even cried after. Because, my capacity has completely gone with the multitude of life challenges I have before me. Every single one of us has the capacity to be the mum we didn't want to be if there's enough stress there.

The one huge difference you can make compared to your parents is to acknowledge, take responsibility, be accountable and authentically apologise when necessary.

There will however be moments where you might be well reasoned to think - I'm human, this job, in this situation, is very tough. Your behaviour is incredibly difficult right now and you are seeing a very natural human response to that difficult behaviour.

You want to be Patrick Stewart / Judi Dench

That upbringing would be awesome.

Thankyou!

I never shout unless someone is about to do something dangerous and I need them to stop immediately but do raise my voice, almost always I will apologise after and explain that I got a bit frustrated and I’m sorry for raising my voice. My children sometimes do the same, I asked my DD6 to tidy her room the other day and she just exploded and really yelled at me, five minutes later she came and apologised and said she was looking for the hairband that she was using to put her dolls hair up and she got ‘really angry because she couldn’t find it and then I started asking her to do things’… poor kid got overwhelmed and I can totally understand that!
I think it’s human nature to sometimes get cross/frustrated/overwhelmed and it’s honestly fine as long as it’s handled properly and you’re not being intimidating or anything!

@ladygindiva Good old ones, count to 10 before responding, take deep breaths in the process.

Tone and pitch: You want to be Patrick Stewart / Judi Dench rather than a high pitched, hyper fast speaker. Lower your chin when you talk so that your voice is lower rather than angry and shrill which happens if you tilt your chin up and speak from the throat rather than chest, speak slowly and clearly. It gives you control of the situation and until you can respond like that step away from the situation, providing nobody is in immediate danger.

Body language: Stand still when you speak, no manic gesturing. Legs apart arms by your side not crossed infront of you, in the middle of a room not in a corner or doorway. Don't have things in front of you as a barrier like a table.

Please name these strategies, I'm genuinely desperate to learn.

No. Never. I grew up in a very peaceful household.

I'm not saying that rage is the right response, but hurting a sibling or deliberately damaging the house ARE big deals, and it's fine to get het up about them.

Yes, I do sometimes. Sometimes I know I was being a bit unfair and apologise for it. Other times I point that no one listened when I asked politely and calmly the first three times. I don't think it's ideal, nor do I think it's something to really worry and self-flagellate over. My view is that very few non-abusive parenting choices are as damaging to children as obsessing and becoming anxious over them is. I really do believe that good enough is good enough, and I believe that losing your rag occasionally in the context of a generally warm and loving family is good enough.

Word for word what I was going to write!

I grew up in a volatile home and struggle with my own emotional regulation because I didn’t have an example of healthy conflict resolution. I really want to break that cycle.

Rarely

awful childhood so had to train myself not to copy my parents

shouting at your kids is like your boss shouting at you …. Won’t work

No never. Not a shouty household. My teen has never raised their voice to me either. The only person who ever shouted at me was an abusive ex, shouting is just another word for verbal abuse.

No never. We speak and treat each other with respect. I used to teach at a Secondary School and learnt to manage my own reactions so as not to escalate my own behaviour to effectively manage situations. And as such I have a teenager that never shouts, moans or even rolls her eyes but talks to me calmly.

Aggressive shouting adults are adults who have lost control and have escalated their behaviour. It does no good to anyone and causes the child to escalate their own behaviour.

Calm, collected adults with speak confidently and with firmness will manage situations better.

There is ofcourse a difference between shouting to a child in a different room to give information, shouting out at a child to warn them of danger, and aggressively shouting at a child (or anyone) because you can't cope with the situation.

I do on occasion and I hate it. I’m generally very calm and don’t shout day to day but I really struggled with my emotional regulation since having kids. My own mum shouted a lot at us and lashed out in a rage relatively often. I’m really triggered by the eldest hurting the youngest or willful damage to the house.

I swore I would never do this but i can’t always avoid shouting or even just feeling the anger even if I don’t act on it. I’ve read all the books and am having coaching to help me manage it. It takes a lot of work to move on from your past experiences - I’m so amazed by those that are able to more easily than me, well done if you had crappy parents and have managed to break the cycle.

Last night I was looking at pictures on my phone of my kids from about five years ago and I felt sad. The pictures are all gorgeous but behind every photo I know I was an exhausted single mum, desperate for a minute free, probably faking my interaction with them, and I often broke and snapped and shouted. I often went to bed thinking "must do better need to do better" and it was a hard time.

My son (9) can be a bit shouty now.

But I've stopped. And it's catching once you stop. I hate the overload of weariness after I shout. I stopped a few years ago when my stress levels shifted down and work life balance got a bit easier.

I shout way less now and when my son shouts I respond even quieter than normal and I say "there's no need to shout" "you don't need to use that tone" etc, I can see him hearing me finally. (Not always!) but it's much better)

Parenting is hard.

We do our best. I'm trying to forgive myself for being sad all the time when my kids were little. Since they hit about 6 or 7 I've found parenting altogether different. This I can do. I was the same with the little baby stage, loved it.

Exhaustion from single mum-ming ruined a bit in the middle for me.
I hate when there is shouting now. But sometimes you've got to shout to stop something, in the moment, immediately. That happens too!

Yes I do shout. My kids are very high energy and would probably be considered Naughty. They fight, they get loud, don't do as they are told, jump and climb on everything.
It's not always possible to remain calm and softly spoken.
I wouldn't say it is abusive. I didn't grow up with shouting but it was never necessary as I was very well behaved and responded well to instructions. That isn't the case with mine.

Unfortunately, yes I do. I really despise myself for doing it and I always try to apologise for it afterwards, but there's nothing that brings you to the end of your rope like two hormonal teenagers arguing.

No. I've never been a shouty parent. Mainly because I was raised in a very shouty house and it was horrible. Fortunately my DH wasn't, he can't remember his parents ever raising their voices, and he helped me to learn how to be a more relaxed, calm parent. I'm far from perfect, but I don't shout.

Fighting in the car needs a quick and immediate response- it’s incredibly dangerous.

Yes now and again.

I try not to. Sometimes I do but that’s my issue - there’s only so much I can take of things that are massively frustrating.

I do agree that it does no good.

Punishing rarely does any good with ND children either.

I try not to. I’m 22 years into this parenting journey and of course there have been bumps in the road and times where my parenting has been less than perfect, but I grew up with a shouty mum and try not to be the same.
It’s harder though, when your own experience isn’t what you want to be like.

My kids are ND too. One has no concept of authority, so if I shout, he just shouts back. I have to take a more collaborative approach with him.
The other is really sensitive and I feel terrible if I shout - he doesn’t hear what I say anyway. Just loud angry noise.

There are more effective ways to communicate.